Camis are Not Only For Girls
by I am the Cake Fairy
Summary: Orientations will be questioned, camis will be worn by a different gender, and gallons upon gallons of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream will be consumed. SasuNaruSasu complete
1. As if wearing a Cami wasn't bad enough

It's when you have to borrow one of your sister's (well, technically, it's my grandma's, but she looks young enough to be my sister) camis in order to leave the house so you can follow the "no shirt, no shoes, no service" policy at McDonald's that you realize you need to do your laundry.

But I must admit, it looks pretty good on me. I mean, black always has looked good on, and the v-neck is very flattering, since it has the sparkles that attract and hold the attention in the correct area. It's made mostly out of cotton, but it has some spandex in it, so it hugs all the right curves.

However, I definitely should not be wearing this out of the house. Why?

Simple. I'm a guy. Girls wear camis, not guys.

Unfortunately, I didn't have any time to do my laundry before I had to meet up with Sasuke at McDonald's, at least before the breakfast was over. We had planned to go to the arcade later, but I think I'll refuse and throw a tantrum until Sasuke lends me a shirt. Then we'll go.

Sasuke and I have been friends since third grade, about seven years ago, when I helped him pick a scab off his knee, then freak his 'fangirls' out using the pus that came out. Gross, yes, but effective. Even when he was a little kid, Sasuke had always attracted the attention of all the girls. I was always jealous of him for the reason, but he told me that since I was the best friend, I was always the rebound for those girls who got rejected by Sasuke the hotshot. I guess I can't blame him for stealing away the girls; he _is_ pretty good looking.

Wait. I did not just say that. I shook my head to dispel _those_ thoughts and continued walking down the sidewalk, and to the McDonald's that was roughly four blocks from my house and five from Sasuke's, in the opposite direction. We often go there to talk over school assignments, and other stuff like that.

But we weren't going to discuss school assignments today, thank kami-sama. Yesterday was the last day of exams, and the whole school had a week off to relax and all that jazz. The principal probably thought us troublemakers would get rid of all our extra-energy and mischief. Yeah right, in his dreams.

It was a pretty nice day, not too hot and not too cold, the sky a nice shade of blue. A romantic would have said that my eyes were the exact same shade as the sky that day, and that my hair had captured the sunny disposition of the sun and were giving off a happy mood. However, my eyes do not have puffy clouds in them, and my hair is not hot enough to be the sun, nor do I think the sun has a happy mood. It always kind of struck me of having an "Augh! I'm gunna burn yo ass!" kind of mood. Therefore, a romantic would have been wrong.

As I entered the more heavily populated portion of town, I heard several catcalls and wolf-whistles directed my way. Did those horny men absolutely _have _to? You would think that my muscled arms (though Sasuke says that they're weak), short hair, and clearly male pants were dead give-aways at my gender, but apparently, all these guys cared about was the fact that I was wearing a revealing women's shirt, therefore somehow making me a woman automatically. Or they were gay.

Thankfully, I was brought out of this train of thought when I entered the McDonald's. Looking at my cell phone, I noticed that I was amazingly five minutes early. I decided to go ahead and order our food before Sasuke got here. We always ordered the same thing.

"May I help you?" asked the person at the register. He appeared to be the same age as myself, with crazy brown hair sticking up in every which way, and a red triangle tattooed on each cheek. The facial ones, at least. He had dog hair all over his shirt. His nametag read, 'Kiba'.

"Yeah, I'd like two sausage McGridle's, two apple juices, and orange juice, and a medium coffee," I replied. The boy gave me a look as if to mean, 'How are you going to eat all of that food?' He told me the total, and I gave him a ten-dollar bill. After receiving the food and my change, I thanked him.

"Have a good day, ma'am," he said, rather boredly, as if his lines had been drilled into him for every situation. They probably were. I once worked at a Burger King, and had to go through a similar training regiment, and got fired for not following the lines exactly.

Giving him a dirty look for thinking me a girl instead of a guy, probably due to the fact that I was wearing a cami, I took our tray of food to where we usually sit, by the windows, watching the buses and cars pass by, and generally seeing everyday life unfold. Setting the tray down, I took out my cell phone to look at the time. Ten thirty one. Wow, looks like I got here in time for the breakfast menu. There was that one time when I thought breakfast stopping being served at eleven, and I had to get a burger instead.

Sasuke was late. He was supposed to be here by ten thirty or earlier. I shrugged it off. He probably slept through his alarm clock, with it being a day off from school and all. Plus, it was nearly summer. What else was a lazy teenager supposed to do, get up on time and actually do something productive? Hah, I think not. Well, at least that's what Sasuke and I think. Logic clearly states that (according to me and the fangirls; do not associate me with the fangirls just because of this logic!) whatever Sasuke thinks is correct. Just ask the (rabid) fangirls.

"Hey, baby, you look good in that shirt," said a suave voice from behind me.

I turned around, ready to smack whoever just said that, but stopped. It was Sasuke, and he was grinning at me, probably for wearing this stupid shirt. Stupid cami. Stupid dirty clothes. Stupid Laundromat that costs twenty-five cents a load, plus extra for bleach.

Sasuke was wearing his dark hair in his normal fashion, shaped like a duck-butt (he denies this, but I know I'm right), and had a tee shirt on with a high collar. He had on some white shorts and Vanns. His dark eyes glittered back at me in amusement. I narrowed my own blue eyes and growled in annoyance of him play-flirting with me.

"Shut up and eat your McGridle," I replied, gesturing toward the breakfast sandwich. He grinned at me, and slid into the seat across from me. "Be glad that I actually remembered to get you something this time around. You own me three dollars."

"Yes, well you owed _me_ somewhere around thirty dollars, so I wouldn't be talking if I were you." He looked me up and down, stopping particularly at the sparkles on my chest. I immediately felt flushed and cursed the sparkles. "Really, that shirt _does _look good on you. However, I would not recommend wearing it to school. For one, it's not dress code, and two, you'd get jumped."

"Thank you for your support in my fashion sense," I replied sarcastically, sipping my apple juice and biting into my own breakfast sandwich. "And don't worry, I'm not wearing this shirt in public again anytime soon. Speaking of which, do you have a shirt I could borrow? I am _not_ going to the arcade in _this_."

"Aw, but think of all the hot emo guys you'll attract!" I frowned, and stuck out my tongue at him.

"But I wanna pick up hot emo, or any kind for that matter, girls, not hot emo guys!" He, in turn, shuddered and stuck his own tongue out in distaste.

"Girls are icky! How could you even think of them in _that way_?" I grinned at him, and we entered a companionable silence while we enjoyed our deep-fried fast food feast. Yes, Sasuke and I have had this discussion several times before. It was common knowledge that the most desirable guy in Konoha High was out of the reaches of the many fangirls he had acquired since he was old enough to go out in public. That, however, did not stop them. Hell, it was Sasuke's and my opinion that nothing could. Nothing, except knee-pus. Man, that sent them running in the opposite direction. So, to recap the point, Sasuke, my best friend, was gay. And I'm alright with it.

So, we continued our silence, except for the sound of sausage being chewed among other things, until I asked one of those questions that are always floating around in my head.

"Hey, Sasuke…who's Pete?"

Sasuke choked on his coffee, and ended up spraying it across the table, and even on me somewhat. I wiped it off with my bare arm. Oh how I love Sasuke's coffee backwash on my face at ten forty five in the morning. It's one of my favorite things, right next to being digested and being run over by a lawnmower. "Who's Pete? I know no Pete! And I certainly dated no Pete!"

I rolled my eyes. "And you call me a blond idiot. I mean Pete as in, 'for Pete's sake!' Who's this Pete everyone's talking about?"

Sasuke, too, rolled his eyes. "Well, two things: One, you _are_ a blond idiot for asking such a stupid question. And two—"

He was cut off when his cell phone began ringing. I sighed, exasperated at his ringtone. Really, he didn't have to be _that_ prominent about it.

"…Guy love! That's all it is, guy love! He's mine, I'm his. There's nothing gay about it in our eyes…"

"You really are obsessed with it, aren't you?"

"With what?" he asked innocently.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about!" At least _I_ knew exactly what I was talking about. I think. Oh yeah! I was talking about his obsession with announcing to the world he's gay, and Scrubs. Sure, I like Scrubs too, but I don't have it on my cell phone as my ringtone. Nor do I have a song that's basically saying, 'Hey, look at me! I'm straight!' Instead I had Spice Girls. I don't why I did, but I just do.

"Oh, but if I don't?" Still the fake innocence.

"UGH! Well, at least you're not singing along with it…" He directed a smug grin at me.

"I would, but I _really_ need to take this call." He stood up and flipped open his phone. "Hello? Oh, hi Neji…"

Sasuke began walking to the door. Taking my chance to embarrass him in front of total strangers, I shouted out to him, "Don't have any phone sex!"

"You only wish it were you on the other end!" he yelled back, and I felt myself become flushed.

"No thanks, I've got my mind set on girls!" Several people turned their heads to look at me. It was then that I realized I was wearing grandma's cami, and therefore looked pretty feminine. The girls sitting in a booth several booths back gave me a thumbs up. I sweatdropped. They also gave Sasuke a thumbs up, but he didn't notice. Or if he did, I don't think he cared. Still, it was sweet of them. I guess. Actually, it was also kind of creepy.

Being bored, I held a conversation with my apple juice. Well, attempted to. It was like trying to talk to Sakura, one of my other friends, when she's PMSing. She ignores me and only talks to Ino. My apple juice apparently preferred talking to Sasuke's orange juice rather than talk to me. I feel unloved.

I finished my apple juice, and sat waiting for Sasuke for around fifteen minutes at the booth. But, since fifteen minutes is my patience limit, I soon grew tired of waiting and went out to see if he was done with the phone yet. Sure, Neji called often, but he really didn't talk that much, even to his drop-dead gorgeous boyfriend, and his calls weren't longer than five minutes.

Wait. I did not just say that. Whoa. Déja vu.

I looked around. Eventually, I found Sasuke sitting on one of the bus stop's benches. But something was wrong. His shoulders were shaking, he was holding his head in his hands, and his phone was lying abandoned beside him on the bench. I knew something was wrong, there. He never leaves his phone out of bodily contact! Not even when it's charging, or he's showering (he has a plastic cover for it). Hell, I bet he even has it with him in bed!

…Why am I thinking these sorts of thoughts?

I walk over to the bench and slowly sat down, awkwardly thinking of something to say or do, because I had realized my best friend was sobbing his poor, cold, shrivled-up, munchkin-like heart out. So I attempted to do what I saw one of my friends Sakura due to Ino, her best friend, when she got rejected by Sasuke. I awkwardly rubbed Sasuke's shoulder, and was scared out of my wits when he turned and buried his face into my shoulder and began crying harder.

"Um, it's okay Sasuke…" I said, though I didn't exactly know what to say in such a conversation. I suspected it had something to do with that Hyuuga Neji Sasuke's been dating since we started our sophomore year. Neji was a junior.

"He broke up with me! He said he found someone better, and…and…and that he didn't want to go out with a…a faggot!" I felt my cheeks flush in anger, and my hands curl into fists. The only thing occupying my mind was a picture of one male Hyuuga suffering several horrible, gruesome deaths, all at the same time.

"That hypocritical bastard!" I hissed, my anger still coursing through me. How dare anyone, especially not a two-faced bastard who thought someone was better than Sasuke. "I swear, if I ever see him again, I will make sure his insincere ass roasts in hell. You were too good for him anyway."

Sasuke let out a single wet laugh. "Naruto, you idiot, you'll see him in week."

"Then he'll have to buy a fire-proof suit or something," I replied. He gave another sob-filled laugh and we sat there for several more minutes until Sasuke's crying had pretty much subsided.

"Hey," I said softly, poking him gently in the shoulder. "Wanna go back to my place? Grandma's out gambling, so it'll be just the two of us. We could watch sappy comedy romances, and devour about ten gallons of mint ice cream, or whatever."

Sasuke gave me a watery smile. "Sure." I stood, and held out my hand, which he grasped. Together we pulled him up. He turned and picked up his phone, sliding it back into his pocket. He sighed and ran his hand through his dark, oddly styled hair, which, if you looked at it in the right angle, had a nice blue highlight to it. Why am I noticing this now?

"Hey, can we have chocolate chip cookie dough instead?" Sasuke asked, absently wiping his nose on the back of his hand. I handed him some random unused tissue I found in my pants pocket. Sasuke nodded his thanks.

"Whatever you want," I replied, slapping a small smile on my face, not too wide, but not wearing the angry scowl we both knew I wanted to wear. "But I'd have to stop by the convenience store first."

We began the slow walk to Joe's Fast Stop, the closest store to my apartment, though it wasn't all that far. Once there, Sasuke and I made a beeline to the freezer in the back. We both took an armload of the chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, about four each, and got ourselves a place in line behind guy with side burns and a huge beer gut and a small old lady. Then my phone rang. I winced at my choice in ringtone.

"…_I'll tell ya what I want, what I really really want. So tell me what ya want, what ya really really want…"_

"Damn phone, now I can't reach it," I said, and would have made a hand gesture at my armload of gallons of ice cream if it wasn't for the fact that both hands were currently indisposed. Sasuke took pity on me, and used his incredible sense of balance to maneuver all four of his gallons into one arm and used his free hand to reach into my pants pocket and pull out my phone. He flipped it open and pressed it to my ear.

"Hello, Naruto's phone, Naruto speaking," I spoke into the phone. A shrill voice answered.

"_Brat, I'm gonna be out for a couple day or more, gambling. Don't burn the apartment down_," Grandma said.

"Uh… all right. Hey, baachan, can Sasuke stay over?" I asked, then looked over at Sasuke, who nodded his head.

"_You brat! I am not that old! And tell Sasuke that if he wants to stay over, he's not allowed to burn anything either_."

"Right…I don't really think he had that in mind. Okay, see you…whenever!" The phone on the other end clicked, showing that it has been hung up. Sasuke pulled it away from my ear, ended the call, and flipped the phone closed, sliding it back into my pocket. By that time it was our turn at the register. I spilled my armload on the counter while Sasuke placed his down carefully, fully organized. I noticed this because whenever Sasuke becomes depressed, he becomes cleaner and more organized than usual. He must be taking his breakup pretty hard. Poor guy.

"Hello you two," greeted the old cashier. I smiled in response while Sasuke nodded in acknowledgement. "My, what a lovely couple you two make! Now, normally the punk guy and preppy girl don't pull it off, but you two look nice together." My face fell, and I seriously wanted to bang my head into a wall several times. Couldn't people see from lack of chest that I was clearly male? Apparently not.

"No, just friends," Sasuke said quickly at the exact same time I mumbled, "I knew I shouldn't have worn this in public."

"Sure you are." He winked at us. I felt my face become hot. Man that guy was suggestive. "So, may I ask why you have so many tubs of ice cream?"

Sasuke's eyes were downcast, and there was a soft frown on his lips, so I answered hastily, "Family reunion. Lots of little munchkins with sweet tooths. Teeth. Heh…"

"Okay then," he said and went to ring up the tubs. I placed a comforting hand on Sasuke's shoulder, and found that he was lightly shivering. The man told me the price, and I could feel my eyes widen. How could eight tubs of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream cost that much? I took my wallet out of my pocket and opened it.

"Ah, darn. I only have enough to cover about half of it. Can you cover the rest?" I turned to Sasuke, who nodded and fished out his own wallet from his jeans. We counted out the money and laid it out on the counter then gathered up our ice cream in two bags and walked out of the store.

We passed the movie store on our way to my apartment. "Hey, you wanna go in and rent a few movies?" I asked Sasuke, knowing that he liked different genres of movies for each knew mood of his.

"Sure," he replied, and we headed into the store, our ice cream dangling from our arms. I immediately headed towards the Anime section while he headed to the Family selection. This vaguely surprised me, but I ignored it otherwise. We met back up in the comedy section, with me holding Princess Mononoke, and he holding The Princess Bride. I raised my eyebrows at his selection, but said nothing of it. Out of the comedy section, we chose Little Miss Sunshine. I don't know why. We just did.

I checked out the movies and we finally made our way into my apartment. It seemed like it had been forever, but in reality the digital clock on the oven in the kitchen read noon. I sighed, and helped Sasuke put all but one of the ice cream tubs in the freezer, grabbed two spoons, and led the way into grandma's room. Her room was the only one with a TV that had a DVD player.

I lived all alone, pretty much, since grandma was out a lot, gambling. But when she was home, she was a good parental figure, I guess. She made sure I wasn't dead, I went to school, and that I ate something other than ramen. I loved her for that, being there for me when I most needed it.

Sasuke lived with his older brother who honestly didn't give a crap whether the younger boy was alive or not. So Sasuke hung out with baachan and me a lot, and even came to her for relationship advice. I don't know why, but I found that pretty funny.

While Sasuke removed his black sweatshirt from his body, I turned on the TV and DVD player, popped in The Princess Bride, and hit play. He snuggled under the covers, grabbed the ice cream and began shoveling it into his mouth. I could practically hear it screaming out, "No! Don't eat me! I promise I will serve you well for the rest of my life! No---!" Flipping the switch and turning the lights out, I too crawled into bed, and grabbed a spoon.

About a fourth of the way through the first film we finished the first tub of ice cream. I paused the movie, and went into the kitchen to get another tub. When I came back, Sasuke was in tears again, so I handed him both a box of tissues and the chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and climbing under the blankets next so him. He curled against me, totally vulnerable, and completely miserable. I leaned my chin against his head. Though when standing, Sasuke's about two inches taller than me, in bed, curled up against me like this, he's shorter.

Man that sounded wrong.

Why am I just now noticing all of the sexual innuendoes like this?

We'd gone through two and some small fraction by the end of the first movie, and it was about two. So I popped in Princess Mononoke and resumed my spot by Sasuke's side. By the time the second movie was over, it was about four thirty, and five of the tubs had been downed. The stress of the day was really showing on Sasuke. It had been his first breakup, and he really thought Neji was The One. Sure, Sasuke was being rather naive about it, but what do you expect? For me, it's like having your first girl crush, and fantasizing your wedding day, and your children that were going to have together only to find out she was extremely rude and didn't like you anyway.

Sasuke yawned. I followed suit. Yawns are contagious, right?

We popped in the third movie. However, we were both lulled into sleep by the warmth of the blankets and covers, and each other. I've never really slept with anyone else in bed with me like this. Sasuke often came over for sleepovers, but we never really shared the same bed or sleeping bag or whatever we were sleeping in at the moment. But I liked it. It felt good.

* * *

_The author-ess laughs at her horrible grammar and plot-that-has-no-plot. Ya know, now that the author-ess is looking over this, she realizes that this could totally be a one-shot if she was too lazy to write more chapters. But she really wants to shove in there a perverted Sakura, and doesn't know how. She also wants to force into here something involving the electricity being out and having to eat uncooked ramen. The author-ess wants to actually finish this story this time. That would be really nice._

_Being the ever forgetful author-ess that she is, the author-ess needs to remind herself that several things in this movie are not hers. The first and foremost of course being the lack of ownership of Naruto, which is quite a morbid thought indeed; however, the author-ess will simply have to deal with it. The second would be the song 'Guy Love' by Turk and JD from Scrubs, and 'Wannabe' by the Dixie Chicks. The author-ess actual has those as her ringtones, she would like you to know. She also does not own the movies mentioned here. But she does, in fact, own eight tubs of chocolate chip cookie dough. She would like to point out that they cost her more than should be legal.  
_

_Reviewers get cookies, please!_


	2. Oh ho ho The Plot Thickens

Mornings are generally a jumbled up, senseless mess to me, especially when I wake up to find an extremely soft cushion beneath the whole of my body that I do not remember falling asleep on. I groaned, trying to keep the sun out of my eyes, still about sixty five percent asleep, and snuggled further into whatever I was lying on. It was about then that I noticed that the 'whatever' I was sleeping on smelled extremely good, and tickled my nose. In the jumbled up, senseless mess of my mind, I vaguely recognized the tickling sensation to be that of hair.

I cracked open one of my eyes, and let my gaze come into focus before scanning the 'whatever' that I was lying on. Apparently Sasuke falls into the category of 'whatever.' Never knew that. Sasuke was _coooooooooooooomfy……………_

Ah the joys of just waking up…Wait. What did I just say?!

Okay, for now I'll just ignore whatever thoughts are traveling through my half-asleep mind, and occupy my time with scrambling off Sasuke. Hmm. It appears Sasuke doesn't want me to leave quite yet. He had thrown his arm over my back, and turned over so I was trapped beneath him. As warm as it was, I really needed to get out of bed.

Ramen was calling. Oh yeah, and work.

I worked at a second rate pizzeria, not the most glamorous of jobs. Monday through Friday, one 'til seven. The pizzas actually tasted better than cheese on cardboard, which was a surprise to all of the staff including me, since that's all they seemed to be made of. Really, it was a nice little joint, though its color scheme scared away more customers than it attracted. No I'm serious: Not even a _gay guy_ could make those colors work. No offense, Sasuke. I know you tried, but…

As quietly as I could, so I wouldn't wake him up, I squirmed and struggled out from beneath my best friend. Once free, I glanced at the clock. I saw nothing. No red blinking numbers, no pixilated figures to tell me the time. Groaning, my hand began moving around the night table in a fashion that could only be described as those of a caveman. Ah, darn; now the cavemen are gonna kill both me and Geico…

I will say this once more: ah the joys of just waking up. The many thoughts that float in and out of your head!

Eventually, my hand grasped a cell phone, and I flipped it open, looking at the time. Ten thirty eight. Not too bad. Considering that I could've slept until one or later, like I usually do on Saturday mornings….er, afternoons. Then again, this isn't Saturday afternoon. In fact, it is Monday morning.

Why do I always state the obvious when I first wake up? I shrugged, though I was only talking to myself. My conversation with myself being over, I ambled into the apartment's kitchen, fully prepared to make myself a bowl of ramen, and maybe get one for Sasuke too.

Only after three minutes of watching for the water to boil did I sadly realize that the power was out. No! My ramen! Gone from me forever!

…I wonder what uncooked ramen tasted like.

So completely involved in my thoughts was I that I didn't notice Sasuke stumble sleepily into the kitchen to stand behind me.

"Do you have some boxers I could borrow?" he asked, with more than a little sleep slur in his voice. I looked at him.

"Why?"

"I need to take a shower…"

"Okay…" I drawled, still not fully comprehending. Why would he need my boxers just to take a shower?

"Blonde idiot," he mumbled, smacking me lightly upside the head. "I need a pair of clean underwear to wear after the shower."

"Oh…" Right… Darn. I still need to do laundry. I looked down at what I was wearing. Having not changed since yesterday, I was still wearing the very flattering cami and pants. Yup, still need to do laundry. "Ne, I don't have anything clean. Hey, could you help me do laundry before I go to work? Pleeeeeeeeeease? Oh, andcanIborrowsomecashforthemachine?" I asked bunching the words together, hoping Sasuke's brain was too sleepy to understand.

"Moron," he said, yawning and stretching. Darn, he understood. "Ne, sure, whatever. What's for breakfast?"

I held out the package of freeze-dried ramen. "Ramen?"

"Tsunade forgot to pay the electric bill again, ne?"

"I guess…baachan has always preferred gambling over paying the bills."

"And who wouldn't?" he replied, more awake as he took the package out of my hands and ripped the plastic open. Eyeing the noodles suspiciously, he took a bite, crunching through the noodles and causing a few to fall onto the tiled floor. Shrugging, he continued to munch away on the noodles. Seeing as Sasuke hadn't keeled over dead, I grabbed a package for myself and began munching away happily. "Go sort your clothes."

"What is this 'sorting' that you speak of?" I asked, grabbing a basket which was conveniently located by my bedroom door. Heading into my room, I piled the basket as high as I could with soiled garments, disregarding their color, make, and any further washing instructions. Sasuke stood watching me, leaning against my door frame, for a while before shrugging and grabbing another basket out of my closet, and piling it with clothing as well, following my lead and forgoing any further sorting, despite his OCD-like habit of separating the lights from the darks, and so on. That's why I had Sasuke clean all of my expensive clothes.

Grabbing the detergent out of the supply closet, pocketing the cell phone I had grabbed earlier and the keys, and hefting the basket of clothes onto my hip, I headed to the door before realizing that I couldn't open it with both of my hands full. Carefully, I attempted to hold the detergent by my teeth, with my mouth clamped around the handle. Feeling as if my teeth were about to be pulled out, I quickly removed the container and balanced it on my knee. Not being able to move my legs whatsoever, I began stretching my hand towards the door handle. Almost…nearly there… My hand had virtually touched the doorknob when I saw a pale hand reach out and turn the knob.

"Idiot. You could've just waited for me to come and open it," Sasuke said, pulling the door open and gesturing for me to leave the apartment. I glared at him, gripping the container of detergent in my hand, I left the dwelling.

"I nearly had it. Then you just had to come and ruin my near victory." He just gave me a grin and walked down the hallway to the elevator. I huffed and followed him, and pressed the 'down' button with my nose before Sasuke had a chance to reach for it. He rolled his eyes as the doors slid open, and we stepped into the small enclosed space.

My apartment building had horrible taste in elevator music. The least they could do is play, I dunno, classical instead of the songs that only people a hundred years dead would even vaguely remember from their very early childhood. Okay, so I'm exaggerating, so sue me if I hate the 'oldies'. Anyway, Sasuke and I rode the elevator down to the basement where there were separate laundry rooms, one for the women and one for the men, in case anyone decided to wash their clothes in nothing but their underwear, which was pretty common.

When we walked into the room, there were two other guys, new, judging from how they were attempting to use the broken machines. Also judging by the looks they sent my way, which I translated loosely into, 'Man you're hot, but why are you in the men's laundry room anyway?' I stopped in the doorway and glared at them. Why can't people tell I'm a guy?!

I yelped when I felt a knee nudge me in the butt. Then I remembered I was in Sasuke's way. Damn bastard sure was assertive. My butt hurt.

"Move it, moron, your clothes are heavy and I want to take a shower." Oh how those men over there glared at Sasuke! I shrugged, and moved over to the two nearest machines that worked. Sasuke followed, and began sorting through the clothes and putting all the whites in one machine. I looked at him and rolled my eyes. "Well, at least sort the whites so you don't ruin them."

"OCD-freak."

"Dumb blonde."

Needless to say, those two other guys sure were confused. Think about it: a girl in the men's laundry room, along with another man who was sorting the clothes, and both were hurling insults at each other. Wow.

Turning on the water, I began shoving other clothes into the other machine until Sasuke stopped me, telling me that the washer couldn't possibly hold anymore clothes without bursting into a bubbly mess the second it was turned on. The thought of such a thing happening made me grin, but the grin vanished when I thought of the damage costs it would probably cause. I measured out the detergent rather messily before dumping it into the swirling mass of moist clothes of various colors and makes. Then, I moved onto the next machine, emptying what was left of the dirty clothes. Noticing that there was a little room for a little more, I turned to Sasuke.

"Ne, wanna wash your shirt and pants?" I asked, already stripping out of my pants, having already put the keys and phone into one of the empty baskets, but leaving my orange boxers on. What? I was not in a strip club! However, the other two guys in the room seemed to think so, 'cause they began to whistle appreciatively.

"Mm, sure," Sasuke said, before slowly removing his shirt. His must have done this before. Wait. That last statement sounded so stupid! Of course he'd undressed before! What I meant was that he must have stripped in front of someone, making his movements flowing, and taking so slow you just want to go right to him, and yank the shirt off from him, before—

Why the hell I am thinking like that?!

But…wow. Even those two other guys are staring. Is that blood I see?

Ever so casually, as if he hadn't been practically stripping in front of his best friend and two strangers and actually acting like he meant it, Sasuke dropped the shirt into the machine and proceeded to drop his shorts, less sensually than the shirt, but still pretty damn hot.

…WHY?!

Just for the hell of it, I, too, began slowly removing my cami, grinning at the wide-eyed expressions of the two guys. I crossed my arms over my torso, gripping the hem of the shirt in two delicately curled fists. Slowly, I began pulling the tight black cotton over my body, wriggling my hips a little, and showing off my stomach muscles. I could practically hear the rushing of the blood from the nose of one of the guys in a nosebleed. I smirked, something only Sasuke would usually do.

However, once I pulled the cami over my chest, I knew something was wrong. The whistles had stopped. Yanking the black cotton off my head and dropping it into the machine, I shot a confused glance at Sasuke who in turn nodded his head worriedly towards the two men who, I could see in my peripheral vision, were flushed, half angry, and half still aroused. Pouring in the detergent and switching the machine on, I turned back to my best friend.

"So, what do you want to do now—" I began, but was cut of by the angry yelling of the two guys.

"You gay sons a' bitches! Get your fruity asses out of real men's territory, you faggots!"

I winced at what they said, but not because it hurt my feelings. Oh no, I'd had that thrown at me several times before, sometimes only because of what some would call guilt by association, the association being Sasuke. But I winced at the look of hurt that passed over my friend's face, apparently being reminded of his painful breakup with Neji yesterday.

So I picked up a conveniently placed Stiletto with a five-and-a-half-inch heel and lobbed it in the general direction of the two guys who were now hurling insults at Sasuke and I. The Stiletto impaled itself in one of the guys' foreheads, causing blood to splatter onto walls, the floor, their newly cleaned laundry, and the second man, who was staring at me with his eyes widened fearfully. I grinned maniacally.

Well, that was what I wanted to do. I wanted to do that _so_ badly. But sadly, I do not wear Stilettos. Nor did anyone leave any Stilettos around for such an incident.

Sasuke must've seen how angry and bloodthirsty I was because he sighed sadly and said, "Come on Naruto, forget it; they're just closed-minded bitches with nothing else to do but insult others due to their lack of self esteem and happiness in themselves." Man, Sasuke _must_ be depressed: he _never_ talks like that. _Never_.

Luckily, the two guys grabbed their individual baskets of laundry and left the room, but not before sending Sasuke and me looks filled with contempt and disdain. Together, we sat in silence, waiting for the three loads of clothes to finish washing. Once they were, we quietly shoved them into the dryers and watched as the clothes went in a colorful spiral motion. As was tradition, Sasuke and I sat in front of the dryer to watch the show that never got boring. Beginning to feel an odd mixture of drowsiness and dizziness, I leaned my head against Sasuke's pale shoulder, and he slumped a little to accommodate for my height disadvantage.

When the dryers all beeped, about ten seconds between each other, making a weird-but-cool-sounding harmony, we gathered the clothes up into the two baskets and took them back up to my apartment, which had somehow magically gained electricity in our absence.

"Sasuke, mind if I take a shower first? I kinda promised Sakura I'd be early today to help with the extra customers, or something." Beside myself, Sakura, Ino, and two guys named Lee and Chouji worked at the pizzeria, which actually paid a rather nice amount of money despite lack of aforementioned customers.

"Go ahead," was all Sasuke said, so I grabbed a new pair of boxers, white with blue polka dots this time, and waltzed into the bathroom, ready to wash away all the ickiness of the black cotton cami (that would make a cool song, kinda like the 'Itsy bitsy, teeny weeny, yellow polka-dot bikini,' except it would be like 'Black attractive, comfy fitting, uber stretchy cotton cami') from my body.

"'Lather, rinse, repeat,'" I read off of the bottle of the shampoo after I had turned the water on and stepped into the shower. "Huh. How many times do I repeat, though?" Still confused, I decided to go with a nice even number. Three. Wait. That's odd. I'll go with two then.

After two repeats and a conditioning, I stepped out of the shower and toweled myself dry with the orange cotton towel hanging on the towel hanger, where towels are normally found, unless the towels are dirty and therefore in the hamper, or if they are clean and new, which in that case one would find the towels under the bathroom counter. Quite simple really. Tugging on my boxers, I stepped out of the bathroom, and into my room, where Sasuke and I had dumped the clean clothes, and where I would find my work uniform. Actually, it's not a uniform really, just a tee shirt that said Al's Pizzeria, and some blue jeans of some random brand. Levi's, I think. I looked at the waist band of my jeans. Yeah, Levi's. Pocketing the cell and the keys from the bottom of the basket, I searched around the apartment until I found Sasuke in baachan's room, watching some show about a singing yellow thing with his best friend a pink blob.

"Hey, Sasuke, I'm leaving. There's one or two more things of ice cream in the freezer if you want anything to eat, or you could have some more freeze dried ramen, and you can borrow some of my clothes if you need some clothes to change into. However, I would not recommend wearing anything of baachan's, as she has a large chest and it really wouldn't fit you that well. And stay away from my tee shirt with the phrase 'It's a blonde thing, you wouldn't understand,' because it really doesn't fit you, both personality wise and in size. You generally know the rules around here: no strange boys over, don't burn the building down, don't go all emo and suicidal on me, and no downloading porn under my name or baachan's. Use your own." I sounded like a mother would. A sudden image of me in one of those dresses from the fifties and holding a black haired, blue eyed baby made its way into my mind and I shuddered in horror.

Sasuke gave me a small grin. "Sure thing, mommy!" Darn. Even Sasuke thought I sounded motherly. I gave an exasperated sigh and grabbed my bus pass, putting it into the same pocket as my key and phone.

"Right. Well, then, bye, son!" I said I a falsely high voice as I strode out the door. A passing neighbor gave me an odd look and I gave her a sheepish grin. Deciding to take the stairs now that I didn't have a sixteen pound basket of laundry and eight pound container of detergent to hold, I walked down three flights of stairs until eventually reaching the bottom. Man, why do I always point out the obvious, half asleep or not?

I waited at the bus stop for approximately five or fifteen minutes before the right bus arrived. It was white, with an advertisement for some sort of teeth whitener kit from some obscure company I had never heard of. Offering my bus pass to the driver, I scanned the seats, looking for anyone I knew. Surprisingly, I saw Hinata, Neji's shy but nice cousin sitting in a seat near the back. After receiving the bus pass back, I went to her. She wore a loose-fitting sweatshirt as always, and had her long dark hair pulled back in to low braids on either side, draped casually over each shoulder. Her pale eyes were lowered and reading a large novel, her legs tucked under her.

"Mind if I sit here?" I asked, her head snapping up to see who was talking to her. She gave me a small smile when she recognized who it was.

"Sure," she said quietly. Back in middle school, she was known schoolwide for her huge crush on me, her habit of stuttering when spoken to, and her extra baggage. Since middle school, she had lost many things: some weight, her stutter, and her immense crush on me. I didn't know who she liked now, though.

I sat down beside her, and gave her a large grin. She returned it with another small smile of hers.

"How're Sasuke and Neji doing?" she asked. My face faulted. She looked at me concern. Then realization dawned on her face. "…he didn't…?" It wasn't a question. It was more of a statement.

"He did," I confirmed. Normally, I wouldn't tell anyone about Sasuke's love life, but this was Hinata and I trusted her.

"It was bad, wasn't it?" she asked softly, and I nodded. She put a consoling hand on my shoulder. I wished Sasuke was here to feel the condolence that was radiating off Hinata. "Tell Sasuke that he didn't lose anything that should be mourned after breaking up with Neji; if anything, he should be celebrating, possibly burning anything and or everything that Neji has touched. Neji should be the one mourning loss of boyfriend, not him."

"I will, and thanks Hinata," I said. It was common knowledge that Hinata didn't exactly get along with her cousin, and didn't approve of her cousin's relationship with Sasuke. Not because she was homophobic (actually, she preferred gay guys over straight, she once said to me; it never occurred to me at the moment that it was during that time that she had crush on me) but because she thought Sasuke could do better than Neji. Right now, I know I agree with her. "Well, here's my stop. I'll see you sometime soon!"

"Bye Naruto! Give Sasuke a big hug from me!" she said quietly, and I nodded back, waving. I stepped off the bus and looked up at the fading paint job that proclaimed to the world of pizza-shaped-cardboard-and-cheese connoisseurs that Al's Pizzeria was open to the world. Not that the world cared, of course.

The bell above the door jingled as I walked into my chosen work area. I mean, despite the amount that I complain about what with the cardboard-and-cheese pizza, it really is a nice place, with extremely cheerful management, good pay, and pleasant coworkers.

"Dammit Naruto, you were supposed to be here fifteen minutes ago!"

Yes. I emphasize pleasant.

"Get in the damn kitchen before I fry your ass in the deep fryer!" Ah, that happened to be my favorite coworker, Ino. Please note sarcasm. And yes, we do sell fries too. I sighed and yelled out to her, "I'm coming!"

In response so my yell, I heard a loud thump and hysterical laughter. "Dammit Sakura, don't be so perverted!" Ino again. On my way to the kitchen, I mentally examined my last statement, looking for anything that could have suggested something provocative or something of that sort. Then I found it.

"Sakura, you're worse than Sasuke, who is THE biggest closet pervert I've ever been friends with!" I told her while tugging on my apron. She grinned at me.

"Yes, we know he's a pervert in the closet, but what else does he do in there?" she asked. I gave her a Look, Ino face-palmed and shook her head making her long pale blonde ponytail wiggle, Lee looked up from where he was youthfully making a pizza crust, and Chouji paused in the munching of his chips.

"You do realize that what you just said made absolutely no sense, don't you?" asked Chouji, causing Sakura to literally shake with laugher.

"It does to me!" she said before returning to the cash register where an unsuspecting victim was looking over our food choices on the menu. The four of us left in the kitchen gave a consecutive head shake and returned to our work. Lee, with his shiny black hair with a bowl cut stuffed into a hair net, continued rolling out the dough; Chouji, a sweet guy with just a little extra baggage and auburn hair, continued chopping vegetables; Ino, her long pale blond hair tied up and out of her face, continued deep frying the…fries and getting the sauce ready. I got to work putting the vegetables, meat, cheese, dough, and sauce all together.

It wasn't until four, three hours later, did we get a break; we had a surprising amount of customers today, probably more than in a whole month. Suddenly my phone began ringing. Except it wasn't my ringtone.

"…_He's a cold hearted snake, look into his eyes, oh-ohh, he's been telling lies…_"

Man, Sasuke can change his ringtone pretty quickly. And what the hell _was_ that!? Poor, depressed Sasuke! I pulled the phone out of my pocket.

Not looking at the ID, I flipped the phone open and pressed it to my ear, cheerfully answering, "Sasuke Uchiha's phone, Naruto Uzumaki speaking."

"_I knew Sasuke was whore, but I didn't know he was _that_ much of a slut_," a haughty voice replied, his voice dripping in disdain.

"What the hell are you talking about?" I asked, feeling the fury rising within me. No one hurts my Sasuke and gets away with it!

And by my, I mean that in the no-one-hurts-my-best-friend-Sasuke-and-gets-away-with-it kind of way.

"_Less than twenty four hours of breaking up with him, I call my ex's phone to have it picked up by his new boyfriend. He's such a manwhore, I bet he fucked you senseless last night too, then again this morning. I bet you can't even walk right now."_ I really didn't need to be hearing this from him right now.

"Shut the fuck up, you bastard!" I yelled into the phone, catching the attention of several customers and turning's Sakura's facial expression serious. She had agreed with me when I told her that I thought Sasuke was too good Hyuuga. He wasn't even good enough to be called by his first name. Shun the Hyuuga! Shuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun! Sorry….

"You're lucky enough to even look at him let alone date him! He's too good for you and you know it; I don't know how you tricked him into it, faking your true self, but I know he'll never be fooled into anything like that ever again!" I would have continued my rant further if Sakura hadn't yanked the phone out of my hand at that moment.

"Go fuck your hand, Hyuuga," she said simply before hanging up on him completely. Pressing the phone into my hand, she turned to look at me. "So I take it that the motherfuckin' bastard ditched our Sasuke?" It amazed me that she could say such obscenities in such a cold tone. Then again, she's said much worse (as in perverted things) in a calmer, colder voice than that, so I shouldn't be so surprised.

"Yeah. I don't think he said anything other than that he found someone better and that he didn't want to date a faggot," I replied, trying my best not to crush the phone in anger.

"That hypocritical fuck!" she hissed.

"My thoughts exactly," I answered dryly. "Since then, Sasuke's been way out of it, crying, and eating ice cream. He stayed over last night, and we watched some semi-romantic movies, and that seemed to make him feel better."

She grinned at me. "If I didn't know better, I would've said that it sound a lot like a date you two were having." I grimaced at her.

"You know I'm straight," I reprimanded. I was straight…wasn't I?

Having heard the commotion from where Sakura and I were sitting from earlier, Chouji, Ino, and Lee had dared to venture closer, so see what was up.

"Hey, Naruto, you alright?" Lee asked, apparently concerned from my lack of 'youth.' He has a weird obsession or something with 'youth.' That sounded so pedophilic.

"Uh, no not really. I really want to pound a certain somebody's face into the ground; buy a thousand dogs just to have them piss on them, then force them to listen to Barbie Girl until their ears bleed," I said to Lee, though my glare was directed at the fist that still held the offending cell phone. Sakura raised an eyebrow at me.

"What? No maces, matches, or mutilating? No rats, ropes, or railroads? No fucking hair cuts for God's sake?" I grinned at the last one. Everyone knew Neji was obsessed with his hair and would probably die is it got marred.

"Eh, I was trying to keep it mildly child-friendly," I said.

"Why? We're all old enough t curse without our elders yelling at us for disturbing the peace," she said. Chouji murmured, "Not all of us."

"Yes, we are, but the troop of five year olds aren't," I commented, moving my head to the side so I could look at the gaggle of midgets behind my friend. She turned and gave them a friendly, if sheepish, smile.

"Hullo, munchkins!" she said. Ino turned to me.

"Naruto, I think you should go home to console Sasuke. Neji probably called your phone after getting you on his; probably said a lot of hurtful things, too." I nodded, completely understanding. Sakura turned back from the munchkins.

"You have no idea how suggestive that sounded!" she said.

"I was trying to avoid that!" Ino shouted back.

"Chouji," I began, turning to look at my friend and coworker, "do you think your dad would mind if I take the rest of the day off?" Yes, Chouji's family owned Al's Pizzeria, though none of them were named Al. Chouji nodded, happy to help a friend in need.

"I can probably even get him to pay you while you're off," he said. I gave him a grateful smile.

"Thanks, Cho. Before I forget, can you guys give me a few names of some feel-good movies?"

They all gave me knowing smiles before all shouting out the first movies that came to their minds. By the time I left the pizzeria, I had a list about twenty movies long._  
_

* * *

_The author-ess is proud of herself for making this one over four thousand words long as well. She has also thought of the plot. It was about time. By the time she posts this, however, she will probably have typed everything up, which is good, so she doesn't leave people hanging. She admits that it was too fun writing the strip scene in the laundry room. It was also too fun writing Naru-chan's rant to Sasuke, telling him what he can and can't do._

_The author-ess told you that there would be Perverted!Sakura and freeze-dried ramen being eaten! What to look for in the next chapter: some possible plot. Joy!_

_The author-ess does not own Naruto, and she will not repeat this every chapter, so she will have to expect the readers to take it for granted that there is a disclaimer. She also does not own "Cold-hearted Snake" by Paula Abdul. The author-ess just realized that Paula Abdul is old…er than she thought._

_She was extremely happy to put the "I'm coming!" line in there. It makes her happy. Just think about it._


	3. I'm Emo Cuz I Cut My Finger

Hmm…_The Object of My Affection_ or _Legally Blond_? Eh, I'll take both. Carelessly, I threw the two movies into a small basket along with _Napoleon Dynamite, The Fox and the Hound,_ and _Finding Nemo_. Just as I was reaching out to grab a movie to read its summary, Sasuke's cell phone began ringing.

"…_Do you think I'm pretty, just like a super model, do you like my hair? Whoa-oh-oh, Whoa-oh-oh, Do you think I'm special, am I your one and only…_'

I looked at the ID. Huh, well what do you know? It says Naruto is calling. Flipping the phone open and pressing it to my ear and cheek, and answered, "Sasuke Uchiha's phone, Naruto Uzumaki speaking, how may I be of assistance sir or ma'am?"

"_H-hi, N-naruto_," Sasuke said over the phone, his voice sounding stuffy and wavering, as if he had been crying a lot. I bet the bastard called him on my cell phone and told him exactly what he told me. Now don't me wrong, Sasuke is normally a totally emotionless emo dude, but when it comes to relationships, Sasuke is a total emotional wreck, the poor guy.

"Oh, hey, Sasuke, I'm on my way home right now." I made sure that my voice wasn't overly happy, or overly sad, just the right mixture, a sort of subdued voice that I only use when talking to someone's who's been crying.

"_T-thanks, Naruto. N-neji called me on y-your phone and- and—_" I knew what he was going to say, so I cut him off before he had another emotional breakdown. I just didn't want him to have one in my apartment all alone. Unlike some people I know, I'm not a heartless bastard. Cough, Neji, cough.

"I know, he called me too; I accidentally picked your phone instead of mine this morning. Um, Sasuke?" I began, remembering his ringtone.

"_Y-yeah_?" he asked.

"_I_ think you're pretty…" I grinned at myself while saying this. I don't know _why_ I said that, I just _did_. It's like I kinda knew that it would make Sasuke both flustered and happy. Plus it's not like I was lying; that boy, as I've probably stated before is drop-dead gorgeous. I shall ignore the fact that it is my best male friend I am talking about and not some hot porn chick. I knew I had accomplished this little goal of mine when I was answered with a hoarse, "Oh."

"I'll see you in a couple of minutes, fifteen tops," I said, flipping the cell phone shut. I think I'll change my ringtone when I get to the apartment. The sudden urge to listen to Gwen Steffani overwhelms me all of a sudden. Maybe some Japanese mixed in. Sasuke would be proud of me.

Sasuke was part of very influential clan from Japan, and was in fact very loosely related to Neji and Hinata, though it was only be marriage, thankfully, or there would be some incest in there. Incest is not good, in Sasuke's case. I wouldn't like to see any little man-babies of Sasuke's running around with their little mutations dragging behind them. That'd be scary. And totally ruin what beauty they inherited from Sasuke. A couple of generations back, a portion of the clan including Sasuke's family had come to America (_The author-ess is sorry for this sudden note, but this is basically in America; she is extremely sorry, though!_). I'm pretty glad they did, too, or else I wouldn't have the best friend that I do now.

According to Sasuke, the Uchiha had been known for their intelligence (Sasuke is the smartest in the class, let alone school), their power (Sasuke has good leadership when he actually shows interest), their wealth (Sasuke's loaded!), and their good looks (damn straight!). Damn gay, actually…no, no, damn STRAIGHT! I am straight!

Still pretty preoccupied with my thoughts, I picked up one last movie randomly from the shelf and threw it into the basket. With my movie-fishing completed (for now) I made my way to the front desk. The lady who checked my movies out was rather old and senile-looking: Her glasses had such large frames that her eyes were magnified to a frightening size, and her hair was wiry and grey. Looked like she could have had met her great-great-grandchildren, really.

"Good afternoon, son," she greeted me, taking the card from my outstretched hand. After scanning it, she took out each individual DVD, and ran them across the scanner. We fell into a comfortable silence, until she picked up the last movie I had chosen. She looked up at me quizzically. "Son, are you planning a…romantic…evening tonight?" The way she said romantic made it sound dirty, and sexual.

Sexual with Sasuke? No way, right? Right?

I looked at the movie title, and blanched. "Listen, my guardian asked me to pick it up for her and her date, alright? I just retrieve the movies, I don't watch them."

The lady didn't seem to accept my explanation, but she stopped questioning me about the movie. I waited awkwardly until she had finished scanning everything before taking the movies she held out to me and exiting the premises. I stopped by Joe's Fast Stop, to pick up some more chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream for Sasuke and me, as well as some peanut butter chocolate fudge, homemade, for later maybe. After getting those items rung up and paying, I trudged those last few blocks with my arms completely full, and my visibility near zero.

Which is why I didn't see Temari when I bumped into her. Temari was Shikamaru's girlfriend; Shikamaru was Chouji's best friend, though he _was_ a bit lazy. Wait. A bit? Anyway, Temari had her short blonde hair tied up into four ponytails. She was two years older than Shikamaru and me, and had two younger brothers, a year difference between each sibling. I think the older one was Kankuro and the younger was Gaara. I think.

"Watch where you're going you little— hey, you're one of Shika's friends aren't you?" Temari asked, helping me pick up my scattered ice cream tubs, movies, and fudge.

"Yeah, and you're Shikamaru's girlfriend, right?" I replied, attempting to take the things from her hands but she would only let me have half back.

"Sure am. Listen, you have a lot to hold there, let me help you."

"But my apartment's only a couple blocks away—"

"All the more reason to help! It won't take too long and I can continue on my way to Shika's with the good feeling inside me knowing that I helped someone." I rolled my eyes at her logic. So, I sighed and continued my way to my apartment with Temari in tow. Once we reached the elevator, I turned to her.

"Um, thanks for helping and all, Temari, but I can take it from here now, okay?" I said to her, taking the movies and ice cream from her arms. She nodded, then gave me this huge grin that I've only seen on Sakura when I've said something suggestive to Sasuke without meaning it.

"Oh, and have a _fun_ night!" she said, saying fun the way the old lady at the movie rental store said romantic. Why must everyone think I want to get sexual with Sasuke? Do they know something I don't? 'Cuz if they do, they really should point it out to me sometime around now. Please, world, enlighten me! Despite my unworthiness to Know the Known, I ask that you Share with me!

"Don't give me that look, I saw that movie you were holding! Oh, and since your hands are full, I'll get that elevator for you." She pressed the up button, and with a ding the elevator's doors opened. Temari lightly shoved me in and pressed buttons two through five. "I don't know which floor you live on, so I just pressed them all!" And with that, she was gone, leaving me to muse over my inner thoughts on how people seemed to know more than I did. Well normally they did, but I'm talking about the subject of Sasuke and me, which I should know more about than anyone, excluding Sasuke himself.

I stepped out of the elevator when it reached the third floor, and walked down the hall until I reached 3-13, my room. Three thirteen, my two favorite numbers. Thirteen, despite its unlucky reputation, was quite a lucky number for me. Back in elementary school, at the cake walk, whenever I landed on number thirteen, that number got pulled and I won a cake. During the end of grade exams in middle school, whenever there was a math question that I didn't know the answer to, and a choice was thirteen, I would pick thirteen and it would be correct. It was pretty much the only thing that got me passed to the next grade. I liked three because it was in the third grade that I met Sasuke.

Setting down the DVDs and a few of the ice cream tubs, I unlocked the door to my apartment and stepped in, scooping up my items before maneuvering my foot so it closed the door with a grace that was only acquired after several months of practice. I dumped the tubs of ice cream in the freezer, noticing that what was left from yesterday was gone. I flipped my (well, Sasuke's) phone open and dialed the Al's Pizzeria's number and waited for someone to pick up. They normally didn't deliver this far out, but since I was an employee, I was also an exception.

"_Hello, Al's Pizzeria, Kiba talking, what may I get for you sir or madam_?" answered a voice I had never heard before. Well, honestly, it did sound vaguely familiar, but I'm not one to remember anything that isn't relevant to me personally. But apparently this Kiba fellow was new; I knew all of the workers at Al's, but I had never met Kiba.

"Hi, it's Naruto. Just mention that to the manager or whatever and he'll know who it is. I'd like two large pizzas, one cheese and sausage, the other with jalapenos and mushrooms. Oh, and a two liter bottle of coke, please!" I ordered cheerfully, using my other hand to block out the sound of Sasuke's music that had seeped through the bathroom's closed door.

"_Will that be all?_"

"Yup, and tell the manager to put it on my tab or take it out of my paycheck or whatever floats his metaphorical boat. I live at Twelve-ten, three-thirteen Red Moon Way."

"_I'm sorry sir, we don't deliver in your area—"_

"Don't they teach you trainees anything anymore?" I asked in fake annoyance, even going so far as to remove my hand by my ear to place on my hip. "I'm an employee, so you _can _deliver to me." So ha.

I heard an exasperated sigh on the other end. "_Your order will be delivered to you in thirty minutes or less._" With that said, 'Kiba' hung up, and I followed suit.

With the pizzas and drink ordered, I went to see what was up with Sasuke in the bathroom. He had left the door slightly open, so I figured he wasn't showering or, as Lee puts it, being the smart dork/ jock that he is, using the facilities. I pushed open the door to see Sasuke bent over the sink with a red blotched tissue draped unceremoniously over one side of the basin. I frowned at him when I realized it was blood.

"Sasuke, you emo bastard, I said specifically no going suicidal on me!" He jerked his head up and blushed.

"You idiot, I sliced my finger while trying to remove the damn plastic around the tub of ice cream!" He held up his finger, which sported a lovely orange band-aid, as if to prove his point. "When people cut, they usually don't cut their fingers!"

"Well, how was I supposed to know? For one, I don't cut, so I wouldn't know where, and second you were all hunched over the sink and I couldn't see! I just saw the blood!"

He sighed, and mumbled 'idiot' under his breath. That got me flushed with anger. Or at least I think it was anger. I just don't know anymore!

"_Excuse_ me for caring about your well-being," I said, and turned my back to him, my nose in the air with (mock) anger. I heard him sigh again, and surprised me by wrapping his arms around me in a friendly hug.

"I know you care. And thanks for caring," he whispered into my hair before releasing me to walk out of the bathroom and down the hall before sitting on the couch in my Kitchiningroom (kitchen, dining, and living room all rolled into one, specialty of my small apartment) and settling himself so he could look at me with one eyebrow raised.

His hug felt nice. Sasuke really wasn't a touchy person, unless he was either, a) crying, b) asleep and not doing it consciously, or c) in a relationship that goes beyond friendship with you. I have never experienced c. _And why the hell does that last fact make me sad?!_

I stuck my tongue out at him and went to sit next to him on the couch. Leaning back into the cushions, he closed his eyes. "So…"

"So…?"

"So…what did Neji have to say?" I grimaced. I didn't give a crap about Neji! He deserved to rot in the seven-tiered city of the slugs who forever feasted upon his flesh, and forced him to be their monkey slave when they held a ball for their visiting neighbors the snails, and last but not least to have each and every one of the slugs be eaten by the Owl of DOOM, who would puke out his skeleton into a neat little pellet to be squished upon by the feet of Fate for all ages!

Oh, but before then, he has to have his hair styled in a very unfabulous way, then chopped off.

"Eh, nothing worth listening to," I said, stretching out over the couth and putting my feet in Sasuke's lap.

"Oh…"

"Hey, can we go to your house tomorrow and have a bonfire?" I asked, remembering what Hinata had mentioned on the bus earlier today. Sasuke immediately perked up at the mention of fire. He's what one might call a safety pyromaniac. He loves fire, but not like arson or anything remotely like that. However, he does like throwing slugs into the fire, after putting salt on them of course; Sasuke doesn't really like slugs. Neither do I. But I think baachan does.

"Bonfire?" he asked, looking over at me.

"Yeah, I saw Hinata on the bus this morning, and-oh!" I suddenly remembered the last thing the girl had said to me. I jumped onto my best friend and gave him a big hug before resuming my previous position. "That was from her," I answered the question on his face.

"Right. Continue."

"Well, she said that you have lost nothing that is worth being mourned or something like that. She also suggested that you burn anything and everything that Neji has touched. A bonfire would be suitable. Oh, and Sakura told him to fuck his hand!" Sasuke smiled at that part.

"It was about time someone told him too. And I think that bonfire idea was a good idea."

"You know what's a good idea? Making it into a party of sorts. Like, invite all the people at Al's, and Shikamaru. Baachan should be back by then, and she'd love to do that! But only if you want to, that is," I added softly, and looked over to him.

"Yeah, that sounds fun," he replied, grinning at me, still pretty excited about the whole aspect of fire. "And remind me to burn the sheets, please."

"W-what?!"

"The sheets. They need to be burned."

"Wha- why?!"

"Do you really want to know?"

"Uh….not really…"

"Good. Now let's go make the invitations." He got up and disappeared into my bedroom for a while before reemerging with the lap top he had gotten me for my fifteenth birthday. It was slow as a slug riding a lava flow in the Antarctic (and that's pretty slow), but only because I wouldn't let Sasuke buy me anything better. He plugged it into the wall and started it up. When the welcome screen came on, he tapped the touchpad on the name that read 'Dobe.' It was more like an endearment rather than the insult that it really was.

"Man, Naruto, how did I let you talk me into buying you the slowest computer on the market?" he said, resting his chin in his hand in a very (sexy!) bored manner, eyeing the computer as it ever so slowly began the logging in process. Once everything was all logged in and loaded up or whatever, he started up some Word thing and began making the invites.

Halfway through, the doorbell rand and I got up to get it. When I opened the door I was surprised to see the same boy that had served me in McDonald's.

"Here ya go," he said emotionlessly, looking very bored and very pissed for having to drive out here.

"What, no hello?" I asked, pouting. "You mean you don't even remember me?"

"I didn't sleep with you, did I?" Kiba asked, a look of panic appearing in his eyes. I gave him an odd look.

"Uh…no…you served me at McDonald's…yesterday!" I said, realizing that it was only yesterday that I saw the boy. When I still received a look of confusion, I sighed and decided to elaborate. "Come on, you _have_ to remember me! I mean, how many guys can look _that_ good in a black cami!"

"Oh, no wonder I thought that girl was cuter than usual!" Kiba shouted, grinning at me.

"Hey, you go to Konoha High, right?" I asked the boy, and he nodded. "Do you know a guy named Neji Hyuuga?" Well, duh, everyone knew him!

"Know him? I dated him!" Well, that surprised me. People weren't usually this open towards me with their orientations. However, that may have been because of the fact that the other day I was walking around publicly with a cami on. That says a lot about a guy really. "And then a couple weeks back, he dumped me, saying he didn't want to 'date a faggot.' Isn't that a nice way to end a relationship? And here I had thought he was The One. Yeah, maybe The One Who Breaks Thy Heart or some shit like that."

All I could do was stare at him with my mouth open. A couple weeks back…? But it was nearly the end of the school year, and Sasuke had been dating Neji since the beginning… And apparently Neji had a little speech memorized for each of his victims.

"A couple weeks back, you say?" Sasuke had heard what Kiba said. I looked around me to see him looking emotionlessly at the brown-haired boy in front of me, still holding the two pizzas and the two liter bottle of coke.

"Yeah," Kiba said, looking back at Sasuke.

"When did you two get together?"

"Uh…beginning of this school year, I guess…"

"Oh, so not only is he a lying two-faced bastard, but he's also a cheater," he said in a hard voice. …I'm ignoring the implications the word 'hard' make and how sexy it made him sound… Kiba looked up at him, his eyes as wide as the two large pizzas he was holding.

"You're kidding me…" he said, still shocked. A few minutes of sunned silence passed before the boy at the door handed me the two pizzas and the coke and grinned at Sasuke and me. "Well, the good thing is that I've got myself a good boyfriend, and from the looks of it, you do too!" He then turned from the door, still sporting a wide grin, and headed down the stairs. He didn't even notice the elevator.

I felt my face turn red at the heat rose to my face. I turned to see Sasuke's reaction to Kiba's implications. He was glaring at the exact spot where Kiba's head disappeared down the stairs. Typical behavior of him.

"Uh…pizza?" I asked him, trying to break the ice that had suddenly formed around the apartment like a giant…something that was ice like…. Don't blame me! I'm horrible at similes. "Then we can watch Finding Nemo…or something…"

"Yeah…pizza…and Nemo sounds good," he responded, heading over to the cabinet that held the paper plates and napkins, as well as the plastic cups. I set the pizzas and the coke on the counter and we took what we wanted to eat. After getting our food selected, we went into baachan's room to watch Finding Nemo, the best computer animated movie by Disney ever created. I am serious, that movie is the best thing that has ever come into my life by way of a disc and technology that transfers the memory of the disc onto the screen.

The next some odd hours were spent laughing hysterically at various parts, spewing half-chewed bits of pizza onto the comforter and not really caring since this isn't even my own bed in the first place. I even began choking once, while trying to say, "Mine!" along with the seagulls and Sasuke had to whack my back to get me to spit the pizza back up. No, I am not childish; I am simply still enjoying the joy of youth. …Crap, I sound like Lee…and pedophilic!

Just as the credits began rolling up the screen, I heard the door open and slam closed, which meant only one thing: Tsunade was back and she didn't have much luck with gambling. Despite the consequences (being killed, beheaded, and slapped are included; she was worse than Sakura PMSing) I walking into the Kitchiningroom to greet her. Sasuke followed. Whatever we were expecting, what we found certainly was not included.

Tsunade was standing in the middle of the three-in-one-room, dancing a happy little jig, her two blonde ponytails at the base of her neck bouncing along in time, as was her chest. Beside her were a couple of suitcases, which I could only guess held money. I myself was shocked; Tsunade was horrible at gambling, despite how much she loved it, and always lost quite a lot of money. For her to win would be like for our high school's football team to actually get through one game without beating up the referee. Also know as impossible.

"What's in the suitcase?" Sasuke asked, interrupting my baachan in her DOJ, also know as the Dance of Joy. Very few people dared interrupt her in such a ritual as this; however, Sasuke fell into the category of very few people. Tsunade turned to face him, her chocolate colored eyes glittering in happiness and victory.

"Pack your bags, boys! We're going to an amusement park two states away for a night on Wednesday!" she announced, posing and flashing a victory sign at us. I felt like my brain was imploding.

"APOCALYPSE!" I screamed before blacking out and hitting the back of my head on the stingily-carpeted floor after collapsing.

* * *

_The author-ess is trying desperately to incorporate as many things that has happened to her best friend and her (though they are nothing more than that; she just felt like adding stuff like that cuz she can). She is also quite proud of herself for making this story four thousand words as well. Well, including the author-ess' note, it is. So ha. The author-ess was watching Finding Nemo, can you tell?_

_What to look for in the next story: FI-YAH! Yes, fire shall be brought unto this story, and therefore the author-ess is happy. She is bielemental, did you know? She likes water and fire. AT THE SAME TIME!_

_ Okay, so the author-ess said that she wouldn't say it again, so she won't. Instead she will just say that any movies or music mentioned in this story are not hers. Not. Hers. Got it? She would also like to mention that she absolutely loves Neji-kun, and does not write the bastardness of him to spite him. She just couldn't think of anyone else to use. So sorry, okay?  
_


	4. Giddy Gay Children

Ow. The back of my head hurts. I wonder why. I had the weirdest dream. Tsunade baachan had actually done something right while gambling and had won enough money for her, Sasuke, and me to spend two days at an amusement park. Crazy, right?

"…_that brat! I'm not that bad at gambling_…"

Wow…where'd that come from?

"…_yeah you are, you old hag! Why else do you think he shouted 'Apocalypse!' and passed out?! Now he probably has a concussion and it'd be all your fault!_"

Hey! That sounded like Sasuke, with his suave and sexy voice. Damn, Sasuke was sexy as hell. He's too sexy for Milan…New York and Japan…He's so hot, and caring when he feels like it, I'd kill to be his boyfriend.

"…_well, well, well, being possessive are we?_"

I wonder what flavors of flowers Sasuke likes. I myself prefer lilacs. If we were in a relationship, I wonder who would be top. Sasuke seems a bit more emotional than me at the moment, but I guess that's because he just had his first break up. But I'm shorter, so that could make me bottom…

"…_no! I'm just being the caring best-friend that worries about a friend's health when they pass out and hit their head on the floor!"_

I like vanilla. Ice cream, that is. My computer's bipolar. I mean, it's all like, 'Bleh! I shall be slow and not do this, that, blah blah blah!' and then it'll be, 'Oh, I'm sorry, Naru, did I hurt your feelings? Here, let me load a page that you didn't want to go to in the first place super fast!' Gosh, it's so mean to me.

"…_you forgot 'loving.' When do you think he'll wake up?_"

Purple sparkly markers are fun to draw on yourself with. Sasuke once wrote 'I love Naruto' on his thigh. He wrote 'I love Neji' on his other thigh, too. He then wrote 'Eat my multicolored bubbles' on my back. It tickled.

"…_I hope before midnight…_"

Midnight means tomorrow. But then, when it is midnight, it would be today. Hey, day rhymes with bay, which rhymes with cay, which rhymes with way! And they all rhyme with gay! I'm gay…

"…_say, did you two brats leave any pizza for me?_"

Wait…I'm gay? Since when? Well, since I started to like Sasuke more than I should. And that wet dream I had of him a couple nights back also had something to do with it, too, I bet.

"…_yeah, I think so. You can have some of that jalapeno and mushroom one that we didn't even touch…_"

Okay, so me: gay? Me equals gay. Gay equals me. Me, a giddy gay child? Oh…

"SHIT!" I shouted, my eyes flying wide open as I sat up straight from my position on the couch, where Tsunade-baachan and Sasuke must have carried me. I winced and clutched my head when the pain caught up with me.

"Profanity!" Sasuke reprimanded me. I glared at him; because, when you totaled it all up, or something, he was the cause of the profanity. Tsunade, now that I was awake, left the room to scavenge what was left of the pizza.

"You shouldn't be talking," I said, falling onto my back on the couch. He took this opportunity to sit on my stomach. He was heavy. Much heavier than me. Which means that he would definitely top… No! Must not think such thoughts! Must not think such thoughts!

Oh, what's the use? In my state of unconsciousness I had pretty much admitted to myself that I was…_attracted_…to Sasuke. Sasuke, my best friend. Oh it was so wrong. But no, I was not gay. I was…Sasuke-sexual. Damn, that meant the world _did_ Know more about me than I did!

"Hey Sasuke, are we giddy gay children?" I asked, my mind wandering.

"I dunno. By giddy gay children, do you mean happy happy children, or happy homosexual children, or high happy children, or high homosexual children?" he asked, giving me an odd look.

"The last one." I closed my eyes and leaned my head back into the cushions.

"Well, then, you're high most of the time, and I'm homosexual, so yes, I guess together we are giddy gay children." Oh, how little did Sasuke know? Well, it'd be Know, really. Apparently he Knew less than the world did, since the world Knew that I, too, was gay. No! Not gay! Sasuke-sexual. Yes, that was it.

No wonder I wasn't getting any kicks from those porn magazines with the girls. And here I thought that it was just the dry air in the health room that caused that nosebleed during the male anatomy lesson! Oh, how was naïve was I?

"Then as the self-proclaimed giddy gay children we are, we must go skipping in the parking lot," I said, pushing myself up slowly this time, and causing Sasuke to fall off my stomach and onto my legs. He gave me another odd look, but I ignored it and grasped his hand, pulling him to the door as I made my way across the room. Tsunade-baachan reemerged from the kitchen area with a plate of pizza.

"Be back before…whenever," she said, heading to her room. Darn. That meant that Sasuke and I would have to share the sardine container that was my bed. Oh well. More snuggling for me with an excuse.

"Right," I said, and opened the door, dragging Sasuke down the stairs with me. I opened the fire exit at the bottom floor and we entered the parking lot. By looking at the sun in the sky, I would say that it was sometime past ten, seeing as there was no sun to actually look at in the sky. It would have been completely impossible to see if it wasn't for the streetlamps that came on every night at seven, even though it was still bright out then.

I pulled Sasuke to the very middle of the parking lot and began skipping, linking my arm with his. After stumbling a bit at first, Sasuke finally fell into my skipping pattern, and we spent several minutes skipping around in circles in the parking lot of one apartment building, at twelve-ten, Red Moon Way, Konoha.

We soon lost our breath; it wasn't that we didn't have the stamina, it was just that we were laughing so hard we couldn't continue at that rate. I fell into the grass at the end of the parking lot, pulling Sasuke with me. Yeah, I'm childish, but I know that all of my friends love me that way. Plus, I can't really help myself.

Some odd minutes pass as we laid on our backs, staring at the sky; if I looked hard enough I could see maybe one or two of the brightest stars. If I had lived in a more rural area, I would have been able to see more. I looked over to gaze at Sasuke, who was probably bathed in the artificial light of the street lamps, his dark hair glistening, and looking even more beautiful than usual.

Instead, I found him staring at me intently. I felt the blood rise to my cheeks as I blushed hard. His black-eyed stare was trained on me, and I couldn't help but feel like he was undressing me with his eyes, but I suppose it was probably just wishful thinking.

"What?" I asked, sticking my tongue out at him. He responded with sticking his tongue out as well and I couldn't help but think of all the other things that he could be doing with his tongue. And how good it would probably feel to be at the receiving end of the tongue.

"Is staring at my best friend against the law, now?" he asked playfully, turning to his side to give me his full attention.

"Yes, and I'm fining you two thousand dollars," I retorted. He snorted, and turned back onto his back.

Eventually, Sasuke stood, and pulled me up with him.

"As fun as the last couple days have been, I have to go back to my house to get ready for the bonfire. So…thanks, Naruto," he said, and hugged me. I hugged him back, propping up my chin on his shoulder. As much as I loved the contact, I let go immediately, albeit reluctantly, when Sasuke let go.

"See you tomorrow, Naruto," he said, and began walking in the direction of his home (mansion). I gave him a dreamy smile, knowing full well that he couldn't see it, and turned to go back into the building.

When I entered my apartment, Tsunade glomped me, for lack of a better word.

"Aw, my little Naru has finally realized his sexuality!" she said, causing me to literally turn as red as a tomato going through a red paint factory with a sunburn the size of Alaska despite its size is that of a tomato.

"Shut up, you old hag!" I shouted at her, tearing myself from her arms and flinging my body into my room, and barricading the door.

"It's okay, Naruu" she said through the wood of the door separating us, drawing our my name in a completely annoying way. "I still love you and I'm sure whoever your new boyfriend is will love you too!"

"I said shut up, you lousy excuse for a guardian!" I shouted through the door, my back pressed up against it, and wondering why the hell my brain hadn't exploded from the amount of oxygen it was receiving from all the blood rushing to my face. It was bad enough that she too Knew what the rest of the world had and I hadn't, but she didn't have to shout it through the door. Oh well, at least she didn't say it to me while Sasuke was over.

I kinda wish that it wasn't Sasuke that I liked, so I could talk to him about it. But no, I had to go and fucking fall in love with my best friend. Wait, love? Since when was this love? I guess it was just always love. A friendship, brotherly love that kind of evolved into something more. On my part, at least. Man. Since when did my life get so messed up?

Since I decided I was Sasuke-sexual, that's when.

Well, that explains a lot, I guess. All the jealousy I felt toward Neji whenever he and Sasuke would go on a date, or something. And here I thought it was just because I wanted to eat at the same restaurant they were eating at, or see the same movie they were going to see. But since when did I ever feel like watching a stupid chick flick that Neji apparently wanted to see _so badly_? Never.

Utterly spent, what with the new discovery of my sexuality, not to mention everything else that happened today including the Neji shit and the Knowing of the Known, I dragged my sorry ass to my matchbox-bed (it was seriously that small) and climbed in, not bothering to remove my Al's Pizzeria shirt or blue jeans, even though both garments had large pizza sauce stains covering at least fifty percent of their surface area.

Soon enough, I fell asleep.

I woke up to the blaring sound of quite possibly the world's loudest and most obnoxious alarm clock in the history of forever and beyond. Yes, I hated my alarm clock that much. I can confidently say that if the US government used it as part of their interrogation and torture routine, then they would have all the enemy information they ever wanted, it was that bad.

Groggily, I began unwinding myself from the covers, which I had sadly gotten myself caught up in, probably from tossing and turning due to some dream, wet or otherwise. I glared at the alarm clock before realizing that, no, death glares could only kill inanimate objects if it was Sasuke who was the one doing the glaring. It was a proven fact. He once glared at a Weasel Ball so hard that it literally split in half when no one did anything to it, save Sasuke's Uchiha Death Glare. I slammed my hand down on the clock, effectively shutting it off as well as activating the radio feature.

"_What is love? Baby, don't hurt me…don't hurt me…no more…What is love?_"

Man, that song sounded old. But it had a nice tune to it. I wonder what time it is. I removed my hand from the clock and looked at it until my eyes regain their focus. It was nine thirteen. After nearly falling out of bed, I substituted the dirty clothes from yesterday with some of the newly washed clothes. I pulled on some dark blue jeans and an orange tee shirt with a red and blue peace sign on the front.

"Brat! Have you see my black cami?"

Shoot. I forgot to put it back in her dresser. I rummaged through the laundry baskets until I found the cami. Still as black and cottony as ever. I opened the door and walked down the hall and into baachan's room. When she saw the cami in my hands, she gave me an odd look. I was getting used to receiving those.

"What were you doing with it?" she asked me, removing the shirt with a built in bra from my hands.

"Laundry day," I replied, as if it were the most common thing in the world. She grinned at me.

"Well, in that case, you have it. I'm sure it looks much better on you than me. Plus, I bet you'll get a lot more boyfriends that way." That hag—!

My face did another impression of a tomato going through a red paint factory with a sunburn the size of Alaska despite its size is that of a tomato. Deciding that I was above this type of banter with my own grandma, I turned my back to her and strode through the doorway of her room with my nose turned up in distaste. Serves her right if her new anti-aging night cream doesn't work.

"Just for that, you're not going to get any great grandchildren!" I said before I could think. I usually do things like that.

"Fine with me as long as I get a grandson-in-law that's cute!" she replied giddily. And by giddily, I mean happily, not light-headedly. There is a difference. Just ask Sasuke. He's much smarter than he lets on (and he lets on that he is very smart), and knows a lot more about synonyms and antonyms and homophones and other stuff like that.

I stomped over to the door to check the mail. After unlocking the door, I opened it and checked the little mail box that was right beside the apartment's door. Flipping through the bills and other stuff that did not apply to me yet, I found something addressed to me from Sasuke. I pulled it out of the other mail and read it out loud.

"_Dear Naruto,_

_You are cordially invited to the annual Burning of the Clothes (that Neji has touched) that will only be held this year. Please bring with you anything that you wish to dispose of that has been touched by a certain hypocritical cheating Hyuuga (not Hinata). The bonfire will be held at the Uchiha Manor, at sometime around ten in the morning. Please come sometime around then._

_Your host, the Fabulous Sasuke Uchiha_."

Sasuke is so full of himself. 'Fabulous'? He's so weird. But I like him like that, so I can't complain.

"Baachan, I'm gonna go over to Sasuke's for a while, do you have anything you need to burn?" I shouted in the general direction of Tsunade's room while rummaging around in the coat closet for my Skechers.

"What? Do I have anything I need to burn?" she repeated, incredulous. "Not that I can think of…"

"Alright, then, see you whenever!" I yelled to the apartment before leaving, correct cell phone, keys, and wallet all in my pocket. Lazy, I took the elevator, and began the mile-or-something walk to Sasuke's.

When I said Sasuke's house is huge, I seriously mean huge, as in, it could fit several elephants and its entry way. No lie. Bowlin'. Knowing that the Bonfire would take place in his backyard, I meandered around the house, walking casually through the gardens until the gardener forcefully shoved me off the petunias, yelling at me the whole time. As I neared the back yard, I could hear Carrie Underwood blasting out of some stereos.

"…_Dug my key into the side of his pretty little supped up four wheel drive, carved my name into his leather seat. Took a Louisville slugger to both headlights, slashed a hole in all four tires…_"

Wow, that girl was violent. If I ever dated her (which I never would, considering how I was Sasuke-sexual and all) I sure as hell wouldn't cheat on her. Unless it was Sasuke. Then, I sure as hell would cheat on her. That's just me and my Sasuke-sexuality for you. Huh, since when did I become so firm in my Sasuke-sexuality? And since when did I start asking myself 'since when' questions?

When I finally reached the backyard, I was startled to see a very large fire in the middle of the yard. However, I shouldn't have been: I mean, this was Sasuke, safety pyromaniac extraordinaire. But I guess what startled me more were the figures of my friends dancing around the fire, occasionally throwing in an object. I scanned the faces of my friends, who were flushed because of the heat of the roaring fire, searching for Sasuke. I finally located him, and proceeded to pull him out of the dance.

"Sasuke, what's going on?" I asked, amused at the lazy smirk that was on his face, if not scared a bit.

"The bonfire, remember?" he said, clearly very happy to be around his favorite element: the FI-YAH! He actually spells it that way in our IM conversations. In fact, that's his name: FI-YAH!lover. Mine's Rmn4lfe. We're so creative, right?

"Right, but what's with the dancing?" We both looked over to the dancing circle of friends, where someone had just tripped into someone else, causing an all-in-all hilarious domino effect.

"Lee, you overeager fool! You did that on purpose!" Sakura shouted from underneath the boy who had, for as long as anyone could remember, had a crush on her and had been begging for dates. Lee looked embarrassed and quickly removed himself from my perverted friend, holding out his hand to help her out. She gave him a small grin and grasped his hand. I don't know why she hasn't accepted his offers yet; they'd make such a good couple.

"Che…troublesome," Shikamaru commented from the sidelines, using his favorite catch phrase. Sasuke rolled his eyes and turned back to me.

"I dunno, but it makes it pretty fun. You should try it." He grabbed my forearm and dragged me over to the circle of dancing, which had started up once more. When the Carrie Underwood song began to die down, everyone took that as cue to flop down on the ground, laughing hysterically and clutching the person next to them in an attempt to regain their breath.

Once I had recaptured my lost breath, I sat up to look at who exactly was at this little bonfire (FI-YAH!) party of Sasuke's. Sakura was there, since she was basically our second best friend, plus the only friend who was both very close and a girl. Ino was there, being a friend and fellow Neji-distruster, as well as Sakura's best friend. Chouji and Lee were here as well, being from Al's Pizzeria. Hinata, even though she was the 'hypocritic and cheating Hyuuga's cousin, was at the bonfire (FI-YAH!) thing, too. Shika, being part of the group, had of course shown up, deeming this not as troublesome as other things. What surprised me, however, was seeing the Kiba that I had talked to last night.

I turned to Sasuke. "Hey, why's Kiba here? We just met him."

"Well, he was cheated on too, plus he's moved on. I mean, it's not like he'll go crying back to Neji. He shares in our distrust," he replied as if it were the most logical thing in the world. Which, once I started thinking about it harder, it was.

"Alright!" I said in my normal happy-go-lucky voice, and flopped back down onto the grass, yanking Sasuke down with me. This took him by surprise, and he gave out a little yelp. He smacked me upside my head, but it didn't hurt that bad since it was Sasuke who did it.

The 'party' continued until twelve thirty, when us who worked at Al's Pizzeria had to leave for work which began at one, as always. I told Sasuke that I'd see him later and made my way to the bus stop with the rest of my coworkers. The bust stop wasn't too far from Sasuke's mansion, and we made it just in time for our bus.

When I got on, I decided to sit next to Kiba, to ask him some questions that I really wish I could ask Sasuke, but couldn't because of a specific hormonal issue.

"Hi, Kiba!" I said, sliding into the empty space on his seat. He looked at me.

"Hi…?" he said, hesitantly. I then remembered that I had never even told the poor guy my name. How great a potential friend am I?

"Naruto. Naruto Uzumaki. Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" I asked, fidgeting slightly.

"Depends on what the question is," he replied casually, stretching out his legs and putting his hands behind his head. He gave me the impression that he was rather loud among good friends.

"Um, what was it like when you first realized you were … not attracted to girls?" I asked, looking up at him.

"You new at homosexuality?" he answered my question with one of his own, looking down at me.

"No, I've been gay for years," I replied sarcastically. "I just figured it out yesterday, and I'm confused."

"Why don't you ask your boyfriend?"

"He's not my boyfriend, he's my best friend. And I can't ask him, because it's too awkward asking that of someone you like like _that_."

"Ah, don't want to ruin the relationship?" I shook my head. "I had the same issue. Me and my best friend. There's a fine line between lover and friend, you know. But nothing like a good gallon or so of alcohol and a big beg can't fix."

"You still haven't answered the question," I said dryly, my face once more taking giving the impression of a tomato…well, yeah. I was blushing hard at his suggestion of sex.

"Right. I was confused at first, and kind of angry at myself for being different from all the other guys. Shino-he's my boyfriend now-always supported me, when I doubted myself. He always sorta struck me as an asexual kind of guy, you know? But when I first noticed my romantic interest towards guys, I shrugged it off, never really took it seriously, and never really came out of the closet until Neji came into the picture. I'm kind of glad he came into my life, but not because of what he did to me. I mean, he helped me sort of come to terms with myself. Don't take me wrong, Shino didn't not help, but it took Neji asking me out to really actually deal with it. You know?"

I shook my head, and he sighed. "This is a topic that is different for everyone. There is no cement answer to your question, and one person's answer is different from the last, or the next."

I slowly nodded my head, kind of getting at what he was saying. "Thanks Kiba, I think that helped. I guess."

He smiled at me. "Well, glad I helped."

The rest of the day passed like normal, with no more customers than usual, and no pizza that actually tasted like pizza, in my opinion at least. Work ended at seven, like it usually did, and I went back to my apartment to eat a dinner of ramen, and watch TV until ten, when I went to bed. I couldn't wait until tomorrow, and the amusement park!

* * *

_The author-ess huzzah's, glad because she knows that by the time the first reader reads this, she will be done with chapter five. She just works like that. And with the whole 'giddy gay children': the author-ess' best friend actually skipped in a public parking lot with her while shouting this to the world. It was fun. They decided that they were really high happy children, not the high homosexual children that Naruto and Sasuke are. So ha. And with the rambling in the beginning: the author-ess doesn't know really. She was just typing random stuff._

_What to look for in the next chapter: an obnoxiously long car ride that was a bitch to write, and a party invite._

_Though she loves Carrie Underwood's song, Before he Cheats, the author-ess does not own it._

"_Just because I'm straight doesn't mean I can't love yaoi!" shouts the author-ess._


	5. Are There Polysexuals?

"_Buzz…"_

"_Thud…"_

"Oh shit!"

Damn phone. It just had to go and receive a call at…nine thirty in the morning. I rubbed my head, where it hurt doubly, after my collapse last night and when I fell off the bed just now. My poor, energy deprived phone had apparently vibrated in my pocket, since I forgot to take it out last night. Being annoyed at the dirty looks the people on the bus sent me every time my ring tone, Harajuku Girls, played; I had turned it to vibrate. I crawled over to my cell, where I had flung it when I woke up in alarm.

It was Sasuke. What a surprise. But a good surprise nonetheless. I flipped it open, surprised that it hadn't gone to my message box yet.

"Yeah."

"_Is that anyway to greet the love of your life?"_ Sasuke cooed on the other end of the phone. I nearly dropped my cell.

"W-what?!?!?!"

"_You're so cute when you're confused!"_ This time I really did drop the phone.

"…?!" I shouted at it anyway, long before it was back in my grip.

"_Aw, is my cute little Naru-chan flustered?"_ Damn you Sasuke! Damn you and your Japanese suffixes, and your psychic mind! Oh, why must you turn seme on me just when I realize my sexuality? Oh well…

"_From your lack of response, I deduce that you actually took that seriously. God, Naruto, you're so gullible!_" Is it possible for a person to be disappointed and relieved at the same time, because I think that's what I felt.

"I am not! But…why are you calling me?" I asked, trying not to show my relief slash disappointment.

"_Because…one sec,_" I heard a muffling sound, which was probably Sasuke covering the receiver. Then I heard him yelling. "_Itachi! Turn the damn music OFF!"_

"_NO!"_ I heard as the answering yell. I swear, for someone who is somewhere around twenty, Itachi acts so immature! No, I am not a hypocrite! I accept and embrace my inner child daily. Sasuke simply embraces his inner emo child.

Suddenly the noise that I had at first thought was a mild buzzing suddenly blasted through the phone, and I had to hold the phone away at arm's length to even figure out what the song was. Once I did, however, I began singing along quite happily.

"_Ai-ya-ya, ai-ya-ya, ai-ya-ya, where's my Samurai? I've been searching for a man, all across Japan just to find, to find my Samurai…"_

What? Is it so wrong to love a Japanese-sounding song that is in fact sung by a Swedish pop group? Well, I guess the 'wrong' part would be the 'searching for a man,' but I have already established the fact that I am in fact Sasuke-sexual and besides, Sasuke's ancestors are from Japan. So ha.

I didn't notice when the music was turned off, which was the reason why I kept singing on the phone when Sasuke picked the phone back up.

"_Ai-ya-ya, I'm your little butterfly. Green, black, and blue make the colors of the sky,"_ I sang, but stopped immediately when I heard chuckling from the other end of the phone.

"_That's reassuring; it really is, to know that you're _my_ little butterfly. But sorry about that. Itachi was being childish and picked up the phone in his room. That's why it was so loud. Anyway, I was calling to find out when we were leaving for the amusement park. We're driving, right?"_

"Um, yeah, I think so. Lemme go check," I said, and covered up the receiver. I then opened my mouth to its maximum width and shouted, "Hey, baachan, when're we leaving?!"

"You brat! I'm right outside your door, you don't have to yell! I was about to tell you to get your lazy ass out here; it's time to go NOW!" she yelled back, causing me to fall backward due to the sheer volume of her voice. I removed my hand from the receiver.

"I presume you heard that?" I asked calmly, while I was really rushing around madly in my room, shoving various articles of clothing into an old duffle bag. I really should have packed last night, but I was too bored. Makes a whole lot of sense, right? The duffle bag was a washed-out red sort of color, and had a few thread-bare areas, but it was pretty reliable, and had seen me through several class camping trips, including at least two where we were rained out and Sasuke let me share his extra blanket.

"_Yup,_" he said, sounding as cool and collective and, dare I say, emotionless as ever. The bastard. And I mean that in the friendliest, and most loving sort of way.

"Right, we'll pick you up sort time soon, okay? No doubt you already have all your things packed, so you're good whenever. Just remember a pillow for the road, and maybe your laptop (because we both know mine sucks) and some movies. Scratch that, I'll bring the movies. Who'll bring the pencils? Well—"

"_Naruto," _he said in that voice of his that always makes my breath hitch. It's like the bastard's pretty much saying, Oh look at me being sexy, you can look but you can't touch it, if you touch it I'ma start some drama. No, wait; that's Fergie. But still, same concept, pretty much. "_It's just a four hour drive. I think two movies should be good. Plus, we can listen to music or play a DS or something. It's called technology. Now, go get the rest of your stuff packed. God knows you've barely even started. And don't go all mother-hen protective on me; as sexy as it is to hear you constantly going off on me about not eating before riding a roller coaster, I think I can look out for myself. Besides, you need someone to watch after you too. Cuz seriously: you're Naruto!"_

"Yeah…" I said, mentally slapping myself for even thinking of doing that. I kind of laughed at the way Sasuke was teasing me, what with his description of my voice. "Well, see you soon!" I flipped my phone shut, and shoved it back into my pocket, and continued packing my duffle with more clothes and toiletries. Before I forgot about him, I packed Kyuubi, the orange stuffed fox that Sasuke got for me at a school carnival back in fifth grade. It's pretty old and has several holes in it, but I won't let anyone but Sasuke touch him. When I asked him why he gave it to me even though he was the one who won it, he said that it reminded him of me, with the blue eyes and its obvious affection of the color orange. He also told me to shut up and keep it.

Not even bothering to comb my hair (what was the point?) I pulled on a fresh shirt, an orange one with 'I'm never wrong; I once thought I was, but I was mistaken' in red letters stretching across the chest, and sprinted out of my room and skidding into my kitchen slash dining room slash living room where Tsunade was waiting, two suitcases at her feet.

"About time, brat," she said, picked up her bags, and opened the apartment door, holding it open for me as I walked out. As she locked the door behind us, she asked, "So, Sasuke knows we're coming to pick him up?"

"Yeah," I replied, taking the stairs two at a time despite my heavy duffle. Tsunade followed, but at one stair at a time, and certainly not as excited as I was. We reached the parking lot at ground level and I hopped into the back seat of baachan's station wagon. Not the back-back seat, where you sit facing backwards, because, as much as I wanted to sit back there, there wasn't much for leg room. I tossed my bag into the back-back, and clicked the seat belt. Tsunade slipped into the driver's seat, revved the engine, and pulled out of the parking lot.

It didn't take us long to get to Sasuke's mansion, and he was waiting for us by the gates that fenced off his property. He was dressed in some ripped up old jean pants and a black Simple Plan tee shirt, a normal look for him, and had his hair styled in his normal duck-butt (Sakura claims it's more of a chicken-butt style, but I still stand strong to my theory of its similarity to a duck's behind) fashion. He threw his clothing bag into the back with mine, whacked me upside my head with his pillow, and sat on my lap. Yes, Sasuke Uchiha also known as the emotionless bastard, sat on my lap.

"Aw, you're excited to see me, aren't you?" he said in his sexy voice again. I flushed red and tried not to look as if I really was getting rather excited to see him.

"W-what?!" I said—well, shouted slash stuttered really.

"You know I'm kidding, Naruto. I would really think that you would know that by now, Mr. Gullible of the Year," he said, rolling his eyes at me and sliding into the seat next to me, pulling his computer bag in with him and closing the car door. In order to do so, he had to reach across me and I could have sworn he brushed my thigh on purpose. Of course, it was probably just me being wishful, with my Sasuke-sexuality. You know how bad it's getting.

I could see Tsunade grinning at us (meaning me) in the mirror. I gave her the finger when Sasuke wasn't looking.

Once we were on the highway, I began to fidget, feeling restless. I had always had an issue with sitting still during a long period of time, which probably explained my lack of good grades in school. Sasuke must have seen how restless I was getting, because he reached into his computer bad and pulled out his computer and DS, shoving the game into my twitchy hands.

"Here. It's Mario Double Kart Racing," he said, and opened his laptop. I turned on the game and began the oh-so-fascinating start. My favorite part was blowing up each other with bombs. That's right fellow Americans, fear me and my ultimate bomb-throwing skillz! I swear I have no clue what-so-ever where that came from.

Sasuke plugged in the head phones, and gave me one for my ear. I lodged it into my ear, not far enough to seriously damage my ear canal, but enough for the government to find me using the slight bit of earwax as a DNA sample. My best friend clicked something on the computer and turned to me, giving me the signal that I should sing the second part. He'd sing first. A familiar beat came on and I winced at Sasuke's choice in song.

"_Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk_?" he sang along.

"_I'ma get, get, get, get you drunk, get you love drunk off my hump, my hump my hump…_" I sang, swaying my hips suggestively despite the fact that I was sitting down and in a car. We continued on until we reached my favorite part of the song. This part made Sasuke sound so stupid, but at the same time it turned me on. Sad, right?

"_I met a girl down at the disco, she said hey, hey, hey, hey let's go."_ Even though he was singing along, he gave me this scowl, knowing that I was enjoying it as much as he was disliking it. However, he gave me a victorious smirk when _his_ favorite part came up.

"_They say I'm really sexy, the boys they wanna sex me."_ Okay, the only reason Sasuke likes this part is because it's vaguely true; in the eighth grade, a lot of the class seriously wanted to get into my pants; I blame it on the girls wanting to make Sasuke jealous and the boys wanting to make the girls jealous. I feel so used! No one loves me!

By the time we had finished the song, I was in hysterical giggles (manly giggles of DOOM; fear them!) and leaning against Sasuke for support. He himself was sporting a grin and was even laughing softly. Once I had regained my breath, he yanked the earpiece out of my ear, causing me to give him a pout.

"I'm gonna listen to emo music now, you don't want to listen," was all he said, sticking the earpiece into his ear. All I could think of was our DNA now mingling, my earwax and his. It wasn't the most romantic of thoughts, but it still put a goofy grin on my face.

That stupid grin got me slapped upside my head. I glared at Sasuke while rubbing my head; the fourth time in less than twenty hours that my poor head has been assaulted.

"You looked high," he said, and turned back to his laptop.

"Yeah, well you don't see me slapping every druggie I see," I replied sulkily, and focused all of my attention to my game.

"Because then you would be a hypocrite, and you know how much we hate hypocrites," he countered.

"Touché."

Two and a half hours into the drive, I really needed to go. Like, bad. Like, squirming in my seat, bad. Ooh. Squirming. Sasuke squirming underneath me. No; I can't picture that in my head. But I can somehow picture me squirming underneath Sasuke. Darn it all, Sasuke, why must you be seme in all of my perverted fantasies?

Damn, now I _really _needed to use the bathroom!

I must have whimpered or something because Sasuke looked up and said to Tsunade, "Naruto needs to go."

Tsunade sighed, something between exasperation and relief (I think she needed to get the beer from earlier this morning out of her system) and pulled onto the next exit ramp, where a Bojangles was supposed to be located. Baachan must have been booking, because we got to the parking lot in less than thirty seconds. I had practically ripped the seatbelt off and had the door open before she had stopped the car. Tsunade was right behind me when I rushed into the restaurant. I guess Sasuke must have oh-so-casually sauntered in, because I don't remember him being in a mad dash to the bathroom.

After relieving myself, I scanned the seating area and, after spotting Sasuke in one of the corner booths, slid into the seat next to him. His mouth was attached to the straw in his cup, but I didn't see any sucking action going on.

…Eew! (_The author-ess needs a life_.)

I stole the cup from him and took a long drag from the straw. I swallowed and stuck out my tongue at him; it was a diet drink. Why get a diet drink? I mean, comparing the words splurge and diet, splurge sounds a whole lot more fun to say, so why not go with splurging?

He rolled his eyes at me, and stole the drink that I had originally stole from him in the first place. He eyed the mouth of the straw and looked back up at me.

"Indirect kiss," he said, and stuck his tongue out at me. Wow, I must have really rubbed off on the guy after these long seven years.

"Hey Sasuke," I began, thinking of one of the many topics that had constantly floated in and out of my head these past few hours, "if there is such a thing as bisexual, what would polysexual be?"

Unfortunately for me, I had decided to ask that question as the exact time that Sasuke had decided to take a large gulp of the not-splurge-erific drink. That having been the case, I was covered in a mixture of Sasuke-spit and diet Dr. Bleh after Sasuke had shown exactly how surprised he was to hear such a question coming from me. Now normally, I wouldn't mind being covered in Sasuke-spit, but not when it's mixed with the diet-not-splurge-y-goodness of whatever was in the cup.

After choking down whatever he hadn't sprayed on me, and the table, and the chair, and the rest of the booth, and everything else in a one yard radius, Sasuke looked up at me. "In order for one to be polysexual, there must first be proof that there are multiple sexes, not including the given male and female sex." I grinned; now this was a perfect chance to totally show how much Sasuke had rubbed off on me throughout the years (and Sakura too, I guess).

"Well, of course there is the male and female sex, but we can't forget the oral sex, and the anal sex. And don't get me started on the other sexes, like car backseat sex, shower sex, bathroom sex, public restroom sex, and my personal favorite, the table sex." Sasuke stared at me for a while before letting his mouth turn up in an almost feral grin.

"I have taught you well, my student," he said, in reference in turning me into a total, if not complete, pervert. "Yes, the table sex is my favorite too."

"Oh, you know how badly you want to throw me onto this table and have me now," I flirted (not-so) subtly, batting my eyelashes at him. This is just too fun. It was nice to be able to flirt with him, and have him think nothing of it, even though I do mean a whole lot of what I say. Man, that made absolutely no sense.

"Ah, we both know that I'd _love_ to, but I doubt any of the people here would enjoy it as much as we would," he said, reverting back to his sexy voice. He paused a moment, as if in thought; I wonder what he was thinking about. I wondered if he was thinking about me. I have decided I am hopeless. "Of course we also couldn't do it here, because Sakura would kill us for not letting her see too."

"Of course," I replied as if we weren't just talking about Sasuke fucking me on the table we were sitting at. Unfortunately for me, we were only just kidding, but still; a guy could dream, right?

"Well, if you two are done _chatting_, we can go now," Tsunade said, standing behind me. I wonder how much she heard. I wonder why I'm wondering a lot of things all of a sudden.

The rest of the ride was rather uneventful. Yeah, there was this one time where we drove past a tree, and man did that get us excited, because no one ever saw a tree on the east coast, and golly gee, what a sight that was, but nothing else happened after that. Unless you counted seeing a high speed chase complete with gunmen and not-fat policemen exciting, but hey, why live it when you can play it in a video game?

We arrived at the hotel, which was about ten minutes from the park, at about one-ish, and we dropped our bags off at our room. I consider it purely coincidence that we were in the thirteenth room on the third floor. Coincidence, and that little smirk Tsunade gave me when I stared open-mouthed at the number in gold on the door. Just as we were about to get back into the car for that last ten minutes until the park, my phone went off.

And it just _had_ to vibrate in my pocket again, making me jump and slap my pocket like an idiot with mental issues. I took my cell out and looked at the ID. It was Sakura. I flipped it open and put it on speaker so Sasuke could listen too.

"Hey, Sakura," I said into the phone.

"_Hey, Naru. Why aren't you at work today?_"

"Oh, Tsunade, Sasuke, and I are going to an amusement park for today and tomorrow."

"_Oh, that's cool. I was just—wait, amusement?_" she said, in the same tone as if she just thought of something extremely perverted. However, this _was_ Sakura, so it could be expected. "_Okay, I know you two will ignore for that—and yes, Naruto, I know you have the speaker on, and no, Sasuke I will not shut up and get to the point quite yet—so I will continue with what I was saying before. Ahem. I was just calling to see why you weren't at Al's Pizzeria and I have an invitation for you. No questions please! I will explain. Ahem. It's gonna be this Friday night, seven to the wee hours of the morning at Ino's place. There's gonna be food and drinks, and a few other illegal items, happily provided by Kiba's older sister Hana. Ino said she'd love if you could maybe get off work a little early with us to help us set up and stuff, or maybe help in the morning."_

"I'd love to go!" I shouted into the phone before turning to look at Sasuke.

"Sure, whatever," he said in a noncommittal voice, shoving his hands into his pockets.

"He said he'd love to go too!" I repeated for him a more enthusiastic voice.

"_Right, see you Friday, and remember, safe sex is good sex!" _Then she hung up.

"Is that her catchphrase or something?" I said once I had closed my phone and slid into the back-middle seat. "Like how Buzz Lightyear's is, to infinity and beyond?"

"No, that phrase is too safe to be her catchphrase. Hers would be something more dirty, probably involving the words 'tight' and 'long,'" Sasuke elaborated while following me into the car and pushing me to the other side, causing me to shiver in disgust…or excitement…at what he said. I'm not entirely sure which.

Tsunade, after having located a snack machine and somehow getting a chocolate bar without paying, got into the driver's seat and started up the engine once more, probably trying to mentally prepare herself for the onslaught of various aspects of socialization. Sasuke was probably going through the same metal preparation, too; he's not much of a social butterfly. Me, on the other hand; well, let's just say that I'm like type O blood: I can go into everybody.

Baachan backed out of the parking lot and got back onto the highway, where we stayed for about three minutes before she located the exit ramp for the amusement park. She got into one of the lanes where we had to show the lady (or man, I couldn't tell) in the booth or parking pass before we could actually get into the parking lot. By this time I was practically vibrating in my seat in sheer excitement.

"Go ahead," the lady said, popping an obnoxiously pink bubble to punctuate her boredness. The gate opened and Tsunade drove through. We parked in the Ireland section of the parking lot, in row forty one. I nearly jumped out of the car, even going so far as forgetting to unbuckle my seatbelt. Sasuke sighed, and pressed the button for me.

Once I was free from my station wagon confinement, I leapt out of the car, pumped my fist in the air, and made a mad dash at the tram, all the while shouting very loudly, "Yatta!"

I could virtually hear Sasuke grumbling about how he wished he had never taught me that particular word in Japanese. I grinned a feral grin.

* * *

_The author-ess feels extremely angry. The author-ess is sorry if it shows in the story. Really, she is. She just wants to strangle a certain few friends of hers for being very unfriendly to her and each other. So grr. She would like to thank her guy friends for not being so fucking dramatic, and would like to give them a very big and happy hug filled with everything that is gay (happy), like sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows._

_A specific song lyric has really touched the author-ess and reminds her of her own situation as well as Naruto's. It's from Welcome to my Life by Simple Plan. If you haven't heard it, the author-ess demands that you do._

_"With the big fake smiles and stupid lies while deep inside you're bleedin'."_

_However, the author-ess feels much better after listening to My Humps by the Black-Eyed Peas and butterfly by Smile.DK, neither of which she owns._

_As always, the author-ess has incorporated specific real-life events shared with her best bud into this story. The author-ess isn't sure yet, but she thinks that she has finally found a plot. Yatta! What to look for in the next chapter: frozen lemonade that tastes strangely like Mountain Dew, and (oh the author-ess' gosh) a possible revelation of the plot._


	6. Gayer by the Second

"Please keep arms, legs, and all other body parts in the tram at all times," the automated voice said over the PA system. Naturally, I then proceeded to stick all available body parts out of my side of the tram. Sasuke and I were sharing a row, and were the only two in it. Tsunade was sharing a row behind us with an overeager kid and his nauseous looking sister, and looking absolutely thrilled about it. Wouldn't you be, too? Having a kid that was literally bouncing all over the place on one side of you and a girl who looked like she was about to spill her guts on the other side would be so much fun!

"No more than five adults per row," the PA system continued on.

"You heard them, Naruto, so get off before you break this thing!" Sasuke said, pushing me lightly, but not hard enough to actually push me out.

"Hey, you weigh more than me! You should be the one to get out," I yelled, and pushed him back. This resulted in a mini-slap fight.

"Please keep all infants and children under six in the middle of the row," announced the oh-so-lovable automated voice. I mean, I could listen to it all day and never get tired of it.

"Come on, Naruto," Sasuke said, and grasped my forearm. "Get in the middle of the row." He then pulled me literally over himself, nearly onto his lap, and into the seat on the other side of him. I gaped at him for being so bold and straightforward as to actually move me into the seat next to him while the tram was in motion, but my gape soon turned into a pout.

"What are you talking about? I'm no infant," I pouted, crossing my arms over my chest and sticking out my lower lip in what one would call a puppy dog pout.

"Physically, no, but you do have the mental capacity of one," Sasuke countered. In the most grown up and mature way that I knew of, I stuck my tongue out at my best friend and blew a raspberry t him. He made a face at me in response. Aren't we the mature ones?

"And remember: this is a family-oriented park; please refrain from provocative clothing and suggestive dialogue. Please enjoy your visit," finished up the automated voice.

Sasuke and I simultaneously turned to look at each other; he had his (signature) feral grin on while I had my (newly acquired) evil smirk on, no doubt picked up from hanging out with Sasuke too much.

"Mind if I start?" I asked in what he claimed was my scary-polite voice.

"Be my guest," he responded in a similar tone, sweeping his arms out in what would have been called a small bow if he had been standing. We exchanged one last feral grin/ evil smirk before we donned our dramatic faces and poses.

"Oh Sasuke," I said passionately, and loudly I may add. Even though I am horrible when it comes to lying, I am surprisingly good at improvisation as long as it's strictly for dramatic features, like shocking the tram shitless.

"Please, make love to me as the ferris wheel stops at its top rotation!" I pleaded, grabbing his hand and being as sensual as I could muster. Which, as my friends know, isn't very sensual in the least. But that didn't matter, because sensual or not, I now had the attention of the entire tram, including the overeager brat and woozy sister behind us, not to mention the fact that Tsunade had her own signature wild leer as she watched us.

"I cannot, my beloved Naruto," he replied in a voice that naturally sent shivers down my back. Very pleasant shivers, I might add. "I already have…a previous engagement."

"With whom?!" I demanded in fake shock. So dramatic was I being that I even used correct grammar. I summoned as much fake tears as I could and choked out in the most desperate voice I had, "Am I not your, and I quote, 'beloved Naruto' no longer? Have I been replaced? Do I mean that little to you?"

"No!" he denied, totally into his character. I glanced out of the corner of my eye to see what affect this had on our rather small audience. Two girls in the seat in front of us, a stocky blonde and a tall brunette, were staring at us as if we were the best thing they had seen in ages. In fact, they kinda looked like they were going to jump us, which was pretty creepy. The boy who was sitting next to them, a short dark haired one, had covered his face with his hand in embarrassment, either at us or at the girls beside him. But beside them and the occasional disdainful look, all the other faces I saw were pretty much open-mouthed gapes, which could have been negative or positive and I wouldn't have known.

"You are still my beloved Naru-chan, and no one can take that title away from you. You mean the world to me. But…this previous engagement I spoke of. Well, I can no longer avoid this encounter, for you see…as the ferris wheel stops at its top rotation this night, I must…"

As Sasuke paused for dramatic suspense, I, to my utmost surprise, heard a simultaneous intake of breath come from the general direction of our audience. Wow. They must really be getting into it. But man, I wish Sasuke actually meant those things he said. I mean, I understand that I'm the only Naru-chan he knows, but he'd never say anything as sappy and romantic as that to me….Or would he? Naw, he wouldn't.

"…fuck my hand," Sasuke continued, still amazingly keeping a straight face. It took me a few moments to take in this new data, and a few minutes more before my resolve completely shattered.

Sasuke and I completely collapsed in hysterical laughter. The blond girl in front of us let out a moan of disappointment before joining her brunette friend (and Sasuke and I) in hysterical laughter as well. The boy, after a moment of having to put up with it, smacked them both upside their heads and told them to make sure they had their stuff, because we were at the park.

"And it's not that funny!" I heard him shout at them.

"Aw, that's only because you're not as open about it as they were!" the blond blissfully responded, probably hinting at something because the boy immediately turned a bright shade of red and smacked her upside her head again. She clutched her head and whined, "Ow, Joshie-kun, you're so mean to mee—"

"And stop calling me that!"

By that time the tram had stopped completely at the gates of the park, and Sasuke and I had pulled ourselves together just enough to get off the tram. Sasuke had quieted up by the time we reached the ticket sales booth, but I was still in giggles. Rabid giggles. Rabid, frothing at the mouths giggles. Rabid, raccoon-just-bit-my-dog-and-now-I-must-shoot-it-no-Old-Yella-don't-leave-me frothing at the mouths giggles. Oh so rabid!

"So boys, now that you've got _that_ off your chest," Tsunade said, coming up behind us and pausing for emphasis. "What are you going to ride on first?"

"Whatever," Sasuke replied animatedly (not), shoving his hands into his pockets, a light shade of pink dusted across his oh-so-tanned cheeks. Not really. I mean, the blush was there, but there is no way you could call Sasuke tan. He's pale as death. But hot damn, death is sexy!

"I want to ride a roller coaster!" I announced to the world. Now normally, I don't like heights, but there was rhyme and reason for me wanting to ride a roller coaster. I would get scared while riding the coaster and have a perfect alibi for squeezing Sasuke to death. Wow. I had no idea that I was so scheming.

"Oh, you could ride the Loch Ness Monster!" Tsunade said, probably plotting to get rid of us for the rest of the day. "It's close to the entrance, and has two loops! You brats would like it, wouldn't you?"

At the mention two loops, I could feel my face fall and the blood leave my face. It had the exact opposite effect on Sasuke. He had immediately perked up at the mention of two loops and was even looking, dare I say, eager to ride. I gulped. Damn, now if he likes this Loch Ness Monster, he's going to make me ride it at least two times, and go on the other roller coasters. Crap! I wanted to squeeze Sasuke but at this rate, I'm probably gonna be scared dead and he's gonna be squeezed in half.

"All right, let's go on that," Sasuke said, probably trying to conceal his excitement. But with Sasuke, you could never tell on those things.

"Right, here are your tickets. Keep those little flap thingies, they're for free meals, but you can ditch the flap thingies on the other side because they're for parking, and you guys don't need to park anything. I'll have my phone on, so call me if you need me, but please: don't need me," Tsunade lectured us, handed us the tickets, and strode to the park entrance. After pocketing both tickets, I looked at Sasuke.

"I bet she's going to play games the whole time," I commented. Sasuke nodded his head in agreement, then began pulling me by the wrist to the entrance. I yelped and stumbled after him, trying to keep up with his fast pace.

I presented the tickets to the person at the entrance gate, and they opened for us. Sasuke accepted a map from a person standing by the gate and took a moment to study it, occasionally looking up to judge which direction we were facing.

"This way," he said and began pulling me down the cobblestone road. Eventually I got used to his pace and didn't trip as much. Of course, with my luck being, well, _my _luck, when I did get used to his pace, we were at the Loch Ness Monster.

It was huge. It was green. It was terrifying. It was a large booger that really should have been washed off this shirt before now. Honestly, I was only staring at my shirt because I was too scared to look up at the roller coaster. So, I let Sasuke drag me into the line. Lucky for me, the line was rather short. In two trains, it would be our turn.

"Isn't this fun?" Sasuke asked, saying something that was very un-Sasuke like, but saying it in a tone of voice that made it Sasuke like.

"Thrilling," I replied sarcastically, thankful that I hadn't eaten anything recently. Wait, had I? No, I don't think so. Good.

"What's up with you?" he asked, looking at me with concern. "I thought you were the one who wanted to ride a roller coaster in the first place."

"Yeah, well I still don't like heights," I retorted, looking away. I heard Sasuke sigh, and looked back over at him.

"If that's what's got your thong in a knot, you could just close your eyes on the way up, and I could talk to you to get your mind off the incline," he suggested. It sounded good to me, so I nodded.

When it was our turn, Sasuke made sure that we were in the same row of seats. There were only two seats per row, so that made me feel a little bit better. I followed Sasuke into the car and pulled the safety-thingie-majigger over my head. I gripped it until my fingers began getting cramps. Sasuke looked over at me and sighed. He gently pried my fingers off the safety-harness-thing and grasped my hand in his own. I was tempted to smile my goofy, druggie smile at the warm feeling of my hand in his, but I decided against it.

I emitted a tiny squeak when the train left the station and began its upward climb. Remembering Sasuke's suggestion, I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to think of something to talk about.

"So what was up with your brother this morning, with playing that music over the phone?" I asked nervously, saying the first thing that came to mind.

"I don't know. I never know with him, really," Sasuke replied, still keeping his hand over mine. "Lately he's been pretty into Euro-pop groups, like Smile.DK, Aqua, and, scarily enough, the Spice Girls. I've always known that his mental state was...flexible...but there is a limit, even for him."

"I resent that," I said, "You know I like that song Wannabe. And Smile.DK in general, and that Barbie Girl song."

"God, Naruto, you like more gay songs than I do! I thought I was supposed to be the homosexual one here. Are you hiding something from me?" he asked in a teasing tone.

"No, I—AHHHGGGG!" Depending on how you look at it, I had some sort of luck there. Good luck that the roller coaster decided then, of all times, to drop so I wouldn't have to answer Sasuke's _awkward_ question. Bad luck, because I was caught by surprise and ended up probably breaking Sasuke's hand I clutched it so hard. Poor Sasuke.

Halfway down, I ran out of breath and had to screw up my face (and further kill Sasuke's hand) or else I felt like I was going to implode.

I couldn't really describe the rest of the ride, because it went so fast and was terrifying in a good way, but I guess it was fun. But I don't know. When the train finally pulled back into the station I was actually kind of smiling (and sort of laughing maniacally, but that doesn't count). My legs were pretty jelly like once I had taken off the safety-harness-thingie-mabobber, and I had to lean on Sasuke for a few moments before my feet had gained their bearings, but you didn't see me complaining. After I the air had returned to my lungs after being screamed out, the first thing I said to Sasuke was,

"Let's go again!"

He fired an all knowing grin at me. I stuck my tongue out at him. I seem to be doing that a lot lately.

The second time around wouldn't be as frightening, I told myself as I stood in line. Once again, Sasuke and I had gotten a row to ourselves. There were two girls in the row in front of us. I remembered them from the tram ride. The brunette seemed to be introducing someone to the blond.

"Annie, meet Harrison," she said, pointing to a tall boy with messy brown hair who was in the row in front of them, sitting next to the short dark haired boy who had been with the girls on the tram. He kind of struck me as a skater punk.

"Ohayo, Harri-san," the blond, now identified as Annie, greeted. I looked at Sasuke to see his reaction to her improper use of the Japanese language. Well, I could only guess that it was improper because Sasuke groaned and covered his face with his hand.

"She's an idiot," I heard him mumble under his breath. I grinned; no doubt this girl had only heard the Japanese language off of some show she had watched on YouTube; now, I'm not saying that I know more than her, I'm just saying that the least she could do was a little research.

"Ohio?" the boy repeated, confused. The two girls laughed, a very annoying sound. The skater punk looked confused, but then again, skater punks generally are confused. And the other boy looked like he wanted to murder them all and get on with his life. I feel sorry for that boy. They all looked around thirteen, so that meant that the boy still had a couple years of torture to go.

The roller coaster started up again, and Sasuke and I started a new conversation.

"So, how has work been?" he asked. It kind of reminded me of all the family sitcoms I've seen on television. The family would sit down to a meal and the wife would ask her husband how his day was. Except instead of sitting at a table eating a meal, we were riding a roller coaster. And we didn't have three kids. And prerecorded voices didn't laugh at us every time we say something funny or a pun arises. Good thing, too; those prerecorded voices are scary. Worse than the voices in my head.

"Eh, same as always," I replied. "We put the cheese on the cardboard, we cook the cheese on the cardboard, we serve the cheese on the cardboard to the unsuspecting victims who think they are eating better than cheese on cardboard."

"Oh, so no major dramas? Lee wasn't caught youthfully making love to the deep fryer? Sakura wasn't found pole dancing on a bathroom stall? Ino wasn't seen making out passionately with the soda fountain? Chouji wasn't—"

"I don't want to hear what you think Chouji was doing!" I shouted, grinning nonetheless at my best friend's oh-so-perverted mind. "No, no major dramas. No sex life with the deep fryer, no strip club in the bathroom, no affairs with the soda fountain, just the normal Lee pursuing Sakura and Sakura obviously playing hard to get."

Sasuke shook his head and tsk'd. "When will she finally realize that they were meant for each other? They've known each other for forever, had a pretty good relationship, never got into any fights. We all know that Sakura has major moodswings, but she never takes it out on Lee. We all know that Lee has…special issues, but he never goes into a full-blown episode when she's around. You'd think that'd she it before now, but she haSNT!!!"

The last part of the word was pretty much a scream as the roller coaster began it's steep descent, and the ride continued on, same as last time, but still pretty thrilling. My knees were nearly as wobbly as last time, but I still took the opportunity to lean on Sasuke. The annoying girls from the row in front of us awed. Sasuke glared. They stuck their tongues out. I stuck my tongue out. They made faces at us. The dark haired boy smacked them upside their head, again, and dragged them away by their ears, the skater punk following them like a lost (confused) puppy.

We walked out of the Loch Ness Monster area and into what the map called New France. I looked around, thirsty.

"Sasuke, I'm thirsty!" I whined, tugging on his shirt sleeve. He rolled his eyes at me, but I could still see that he smiled.

"Well, then find something to drink," he responded as if it were the most logical thing in the world. Which, really, it was. I scanned the stalls and booths until I found one that captured my interest.

"Sasuke, I want some frozen lemonade!" I whined once more, tugging him in the direction of the blessed frozen lemon drink. He let out an exasperated sigh, but I met no resistance in tugging him to the booth.

"Fine, I'll pay, but we're going to have to share the largest size," he said. I nodded my head happily. Maybe we could share a straw. Yay! Man, have I ever mentioned how much I love indirect kisses? Well, I love them to bits!

I'm sounding gayer by the second. Shit.

We got in the line for the frozen lemonade. There were at least five other people in line before us. When it was finally our turn, Sasuke ordered a large Frozen Lemonade. Yes, I capitalized it on purpose that time because I was so thirsty.

"Don't you want two?" asked the guy at the counter as he filled up the cup with the yellow slush…eew, I hope it's not like yellow snow!

"No, we'll just share that one," Sasuke replied, holding out a five dollar bill.

"So, does that mean you are…" he purposefully trailed off, nearly waggling his eyebrows at us suggestively. I felt my face heat up.

"Yes, want us to make out with each other to prove a point?" my best friend asked sarcastically, holding out his hand for the change.

"Yes, please!" replied a squeaky voice from behind us. I turned to see the blond girl and her friends. As sad as it was, both girls had their phones opened and turned our direction; oh, God, they were camera phones!

"What are you guys, stalkers?!" I demanded, looking at the dark haired boy, knowing he'd give me a straight answer.

"Thankfully, no," he replied. "But sadly enough, these two would NOT shut up about how, and I quote, 'kawaii' you two are." I saw Sasuke shudder.

"Did they, by any chance, mention anything about yaoi?" he asked the smaller boy.

"Mention it? They would not stop screaming it at the top of their lungs!" He shook his head.

"Then please tell them that I was being sarcastic, and that we," Sasuke pointed from himself to me, "are nothing more than best friends."

"Oh, but deep down, you both know that you want to be more, but are too scared that the other doesn't feel the same way," the blond said, giving us an all-knowing look, probably attempting to look wiser than her years. I bet a three year old was wiser than her. However, the girl had amazingly struck a nerve, and I felt my face grow hot with a blush to rival the size of Brazil.

"Why won't you be quiet?" the dark haired boy demanded, turning to whack the girl upside her head for the…fifth time?...that I had seen today. He turned back to us. "I have no idea how they talked me into going."

"You're talking as if we aren't standing right here!" the blond said, putting her hands on her hips, her camera phone away now that she was sure that there was no action to be caught on film. That blond girl is creepy.

"Yeah!" the brunette backed her up. Then, she turned to the skater punk who (as always) was looking confused. "I'm bored; wanna go get some roast beef for dinner?"

"Sure," he replied. Wow. They have short attention spans. But I bet mine's way shorter! So take that, munchkins! The fact that the brunette is taller than me does not matter.

"Well, I'm sorry you have to deal with them," Sasuke said, finishing his conversation with the dark haired boy, and taking the frozen lemonade from the guy at the counter.

"Me too," the boy replied.

I took the frozen lemonade from Sasuke as we walked away from the stall and began sucking on the straw. There was only one straw. Yays! As soon as I tasted the drink, I looked at it a while before turning to Sasuke.

"This tastes like Mountain Dew!"

Throughout the day, we rode two other roller coasters, the Alpengeist and the big Bad Wolf. We rode the Alpengeist twice, because I found it so fun and literally dragged Sasuke back in line before any more people got in line. Sadly, the wait each time was about forty five minutes, but we found ways of entertaining ourselves.

"Gosh darnit."

"Moose!"

By the time we actually got on the Big Bad Wolf, it was dark out and we could barely see where the roller coaster was going; there were no lights on the track. Tsunade had called earlier, telling us to meet her in the Italy section at ten thirty; the park closed at eleven. Sasuke said that we had enough time to go on the Flying Swings, and get some food before then.

"Yay, Swings!" I said, and took off in the direction of the swings, which were located in the section of the park labeled Germany, pulling Sasuke along behind me. The Flying Swings have always been my favorite ride; it's pretty much the only ride where there is a height issue, but I don't feel afraid. And besides, I just love the feeling of wind in my hair!

Sasuke chose a blue chair while I naturally chose the orange one that was right next to it. I've never realized it before now, but Sasuke's and my favorite colors are complementary colors; blue and orange. That's weird…maybe it's a sign! Opposites attract! Never have I believed in that saying so firmly as I do now. I wonder if Sasuke has noticed yet…

The ride lasted for about a minute or two, and I had probably the most fun on that simple ride than on any of the roller coasters. Now, that can mean of two things: either I had an obscenely boring time here at the park, or I had an abnormal obsession with the Flying Swings. With me being me and knowing me, as I am of course me, the answer would be the latter.

Giggling like the happy giddy gay (by which I mean happy high homosexual, not happy happy happy, because that makes very little sense) child I was, I exited the ride area, swaying a little on my feet due to sheer ecstasy. Sasuke rolled his eyes at me and pulled me over to a bench where he sat me down until I was (slightly) calmer.

"Now, we're going to go eat. I'm hungry, and with you being…you…I'm sure at least three times as hungry as I am," he began, a small smile on his lips even as he gave what, if it had been any other person, would have been considered an insult. I nodded my head in agreement, though. "Right, well, we have those free food pass things, and there's a place nearby here (I think it's got a German theme) that we can go to, so if you're ready—"

"Yatta!" I shouted, and pulled him in the direction he had indicated.

"Would you stop killing my language?!" Sasuke demanded, covering her ears in disgust. I grinned happily with a slight touch of feral.

At the food place—I was too hungry to really notice what it was as I rushed in—I got some mashed potatoes, some sort of cooked meat, and some rice. But why would they have rice in Germany? Last time I checked, rice came from Asia, not Europe. I voiced my concern to Sasuke.

"Dobe," was his oh-so-intelligent reply. I shrugged and began pouring my barbeque sauce over my food. Yes, all of it. Potatoes, meat, rice, and all. I can't eat rice without barbeque sauce. It's like, taboo. And icky. Tabicky.

Just as we were both finishing our meal, a tune started up; a very familiar tune, indeed.

"Oh my God, it's the Chicken Dance!" someone in the back shouted. I had this scary instinct in my gut that told me it was the blond stalker girl. I turned to Sasuke.

"Why would they start up the Chicken Dance at…ten oh two at night?" I asked him, looking down at my cell phone to see the time.

"Who knows? Quick, let's get out of here before we get pulled into that can-can line," Sasuke said. I looked over to the stage and to my utter horror I saw several guests up on stage, doing the can-can. To the tune of the Chicken Dance. Periodical pauses filled with four claps each were often heard at the appropriate times. Now was the time to run.

Stealthily, like ninjas, we crept to the edge of the room, trying our best to keep to the shadows. After several agonizing minutes, we made it to the outside. I looked at my phone again. Ten oh five. We had twenty five minutes to kill.

"Wanna go play some games?" I asked Sasuke, who nodded. We made our way to what the map labeled Oktoberfest, where most of the midway was held. I scanned the vendors' stalls, looking for prizes that I found interesting. My attention was caught and held by a very large fox plushie that looked exactly like Kyuubi, only…bigger. Sasuke must've seen it too, because he immediately began walking toward the basketball hoop game, fishing out some money.

"Sasuke, you don't have to…" I said, trailing off weakly as he gave me the, I'm-doing-it-because-I-want-to-and-you-can't-stop-me look. I sighed, knowing that I couldn't stop him now, and began walking around a little more before spotting something else that held my focus.

It was a dark blue wolf plushie. It wasn't as big as the fox plushie, but it was still rather large. Well, if Sasuke was going to get me a plushie, then I'm gonna get him one, too, darnit! Thank God that it was a game I could easily win. It was the squirt gun game. I loved that game. It'd take three wins for me to win that plushie, but it was gonna be worth it.

My first opponents were a family of four; an eight-ish looking boy, and a twelve-ish looking girl, and two dead tired looking parents. I won easily, and got first. The second round of opponents looked to be part of a biker gang; they were heavily muscled and both had matching leather jackets. It was a close finish, but I still won. No one can beat me, for I am Naruto Uzumaki, horny confused teenage boy extraordinaire.

However, I nearly met my match in one five year old boy. We glared at each other for a full minute, my nose twitching every now and then, and him pausing to wipe a trail of snot off of his upper lip. Then, we simultaneously turned and readied ourselves at our respective squirt guns. When the bell sounded, we both pressed the two red buttons on top of the guns, and aimed carefully. Beads of sweat had broken out my forehead and I was concentrating as hard as I could. Suddenly, the bell rang out, signaling a winner. I crossed my fingers and prayed.

"Lane 13 is the winner. Please pick your prize, sir," said the vendor, looking and sounding extremely bored. I looked up in surprise; I was lane thirteen, naturally, but I honestly thought I was beat by the snot nosed brat. Proudly, I pointed to the wolf, and the employee handed it down to me.

My pride having swelled after winning the prize, I hopped off the stool and began strutting back down the midway, heading to the basketball hoop game where Sasuke was waiting, unsurprisingly with an orange fox plushie in his arms.

"You won that?" he asked incredulously, obviously surprised that I had enough focus to win all those games.

"Yup!" I said and proudly held it out to him, grinning. He took it, staring at it intensely. "For you! Because clearly you were going to be a stubborn bastard and get that fox plushie, and I wanted to get you something too."

"Whoever said this was for you?" Sasuke asked, but held out the fox to me nonetheless, a tiny shade of pink on his cheeks. I stuck out my tongue at him, but hugged the fox to my chest all the same. Sasuke looked down at his phone and cursed.

"Shit. It's ten twenty five. Think we can make it in time?" he asked, looking back up to me. I grinned.

"Of course we can!"

Italy was a small section, when compared to Germany or New France. It was pretty easy to find Tsunade baachan; look for the nearest bar, and she's there. Lucky for us, she wasn't too drunk, meaning she could drive us back to the hotel without passing out or crashing, and we could easily pull her out of the bar.

"You brats have enough time for one more ride," she said, putting a hand on each of our heads. "What will it be?"

"Water ride!" I said, pumping my fists into the air. Sasuke shrugged and pointed to a nearby sign that read, Roman Rapids This Way. I grabbed Sasuke's wrist with my left hand, stuffed my foxy under my arm, and grabbed Tsunade's wrist with my right hand, pulling them in the direction the ride. There was virtually no line, and we left the plushies in the care of Tsunade, whom I had not been able to talk into riding with us.

The seats were already pretty wet when we sat down, and an involuntary shiver raked my body as the cold water seeped through my pants. Sasuke sat in the seat next to me, and we had to share a seat belt. I was nearly vibrating in excitement; I don't know why, so don't ask me.

Long before the ride was over, Sasuke and I were completely soaked through. We had somehow hit all the waterfalls, got splashed, and had lions spit at us. They were mean lions.

I was shivering as I stepped onto the rotating dock thing, and I'm pretty sure Sasuke was too. We both glared at Tsunade when she smirked triumphantly at us and commented on how dry she was.

"Shut up," I said, pressing my body against Sasuke while using the excuse that we were sharing body heat. Besides, he didn't seem to mind. Plus he seemed warm enough for the both of us; his cheeks looke red and warm. We slowly began our wet way to the park entrance/ exit, dripping a trail that reminded me of the Tale of Hansel and Gretel.

We rode the tram in near silence back to the Ireland parking lot, and got off near Ireland forty one. Just as we were about to get into the car, we heard a shout and looked up.

"Good bye, our prey!" Whap! "Owwie, Joshie-kun!"

"Leave them alone, Annie! … And stop calling me that!"

"But we dun wanna! They're too cute together to leave them…not together!"

"Stay out of it, Hannah!"

"I'm wet."

Sasuke and I both sweatdropped at the preteen's antics, and continued our way back into the car. We buckled our seatbelts, and gently placed the plushies in the back. Tsunade started up the engine, and pulled out of the now nearly deserted parking lot. Not three minutes into the ride, I began to feel drowsy.

Yawning, I slyly began to lean on Sasuke's shoulder. He didn't seem to mind anymore than when I leaned on him…all the other times I did today. In fact, he even slowly lowered himself to the car seat, causing me to be draped over him. I blushed a little, but still kept up the pretense of being asleep, or at least close to it. Sasuke's breathing had evened out, as had mine, so I barely even registered his arm being draped lightly over my waist.

But I still noticed it, and smiled.

I managed to keep awake long enough to reach the hotel. Sasuke changed into dry clothes and crawled sleepily into the bed that we were going to share, while I took the time to take a short bath. I cursed my lack of smartness for making me forget to pack an extra pair of boxers as I stood in the middle of the hotel bathroom in nothing but my towel as I blow-dried my boxers until they were no more than slightly damp. Then, I pulled them on, and dragged my sorry ass to bed. Sure enough, I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. It was a good day, was my last thought.

* * *

_The author-ess pumps her fist in excitement, thanking God that she FINALLY finished this chapter. It took FOREVER. Probably her longest chapter thus far, she muses. At least two thousand words longer than the minimum of four thousand she has set for herself. And she is really sorry, but she felt the undying need to throw in herself, her friend, her friend's boyfriend, and her own crush. She doesn't know why. She just did. Probably just to annoy the heck out of Naru-chan._

_And with the blow-drying of the boxers: th author-ess once forgot to pack an extra pair of underwear, and had t blow dry her wet pair dry. _

_What to look for in the next chapter? The author-ess doesn't know, but really should. She would guess it would have something to do with the plot and oh! Someone will be punched in the face while asleep!_

_The author-ess was in fact writing about her experiences in Busch Gardens, which does not belong to her, nor does Naruto. Many inside jokes were included in this chapter, so if you don't get it, the author-ess doesn't blame you._


	7. Queen Pwns All

_The author-ess is sorry for this author-ess' note at the beginning of the chapter instead of her usual ending, but she has a few things to say. The first and foremost would be the "Holy Shit"-worthiness of her email inbox. She logged in for the first time in thirty six hours and there were nineteen unread messages (sure, sure, five of them were for MySpace, but that doesn't matter at the moment). The author-ess thanks you all from the bottom of her pancreas (the heart gets too much attention) for your support. The next point would be that the author-ess is going to Kansas the twenty second of this month (June) and will not be permitted to bring her laptop (probably because her mother doesn't want it to corrupt the author-ess' many female cousins). As for the barbeque sauce on the rice: the author-ess does in fact eat her rice like that. She was first introduced to this method of rice eating by her friend, who is decidedly against SasuNaru, so his name will not be mentioned. LoL, the author-ess has been having MAJOR writer's block. Also, the author-ess has been reading some fanfictions that say "thank you blahblahblah for beta-ing"…the author-ess would want to know if you, the readers, think this story would be better off with a beta. If the majority says yes, or if one specific reader has an awesome point, the author-ess will be looking for a beta. She'd also like some information on betas, so if you could help her with that, she'd love you forever. Thank you for bearing with the author-ess during this sudden author-ess' note._

* * *

Being punched awake did not put me in an ultimately good mood. Being punched awake in the middle of possibly the best wet dream I had ever had put me in an even worse mood. Being punched awake by the star of possibly the best wet dream in the history of wet dreams was downright depressing to me. In fact, the one good thing out of being punched awake by the star of possibly the best wet dream in the history of wet dreams was the fact that I didn't have the chance to make a mess in my boxers (which meant that I would have to blow dry them dry…again!) or the bed, which would have led to a very awkward conversation with my best friend, aka the star of the wet dream.

However, it did leave me with a …little…problem. Okay, who am I kidding? It was a freakin' huge problem. Aw, darn. Now I'm gonna have to take a cold shower.

Wincing, I sat up in bed, pushed the comforter off my body, and swung my legs to floor. I turned to look first at the clock – it was eight fifteen – then to look at Sasuke (known to the world as my best friend, known to my pornographic, horny, and totally in love brain as the star of my wet dreams). The hand that had punched me in the face was now lying across my pillow while the other was gripping the sheet, his breathing sounding erotic. I smiled a feral grin, something I had been doing a lot lately, probably because of the sudden flip turn of my emotions and trains of thought, and leaning over him. It was quite clear that my best friend was not having a nightmare; in fact, I would deem it quite the opposite. I wonder who he was dreaming about.

"Sasuke-koi," I whispered as lustfully as I could (and since it was Sasuke, it was _very_ lust-filled) and using one of the Japanese suffixes he had taught me. I hope I used the correct term.

"Nrrrggggg…doh," he moaned, or groaned, or something else that ended with '-oaned' that was usually used to characterize lust or love or whatever. I rolled my eyes. The least he could've done was moan out the name of whoever he was fucking in his dream. Sure, it would have hurt, but then I could have taken out some of my frustration on them.

I don't think the maid would've liked cleaning up after the results of – judging by Sasuke's moaning – a very good wet dream. Especially when she knew that there were two boys sharing the bed. I knew she knew because I met her briefly when we dropped the bags off yesterday before going to the park. Once she saw that Sasuke and I were going to have to share a bed, she began groaning about something or another, not even pausing to acknowledge the possibility that we were brothers. How rude!

I began poking him. Sasuke usually doesn't like people poking him. It didn't seem to work, so I paused to rethink my tactic. A particular vicious plot entered my mind, and I stopped for a second to pat myself on the back mentally for thinking up such a creative and original idea. I leaned in close to Sasuke's ear and summoned up the most wavering voice I had.

"Sa-sasuke? I…I lied." I laughed as quietly as I could when I saw Sasuke's face frown in his sleep. "I…I'm not…er…I'm a girl, Sasuke."

"Naw, yer a boy…" he slurred in his sleep and lust induced voice. It was a very odd combination, and very few people could pull it off while making me even more turned on than I was. Speaking of which, I really ought to go take care of that. As in a shower, not…that. But I had promised myself that I would wake Sasuke up first, which he should be doing in three…two…one…

"AHH!" he screamed, sitting straight up in bed, panting heavily, his eyes widened in what I could only assume was fear of finding out that whoever he was in bed with in his dream was not in fact of the preferred gender. I grinned my now-signature feral grin, and patted him on the head.

"Did wittle Sasuke-kun have a bad dweam?" I asked in my baby voice, very annoying indeed.

"Did not-so-little Naru-chan have a _good_ dream?" he retorted, looking…down. I glared at him while I slid of the bed, and headed for the bathroom, fully intent on getting my cold shower now that Sasuke was awake and fully functioning…or as close to it as he was now.

"Yes, and by your moaning, you did too. God, you would _not_ stop moaning his name!" I said, stretching the truth a little bit: hey, I knew he was moaning someone's name, I just didn't understand. Once I was safely in the bathroom, I stuck my head out again to look at Sasuke who was still sitting in bed, his shoulders slumped, almost, his eyes still widened in shock, but his hands had moved to cover his mouth, and he seemed to be shaking his head. "Wow, Sasuke, I didn't know you felt that way," I said, still totally making things up, and ducked back into the bathroom to avoid a flying pillow. Thank God Tsunade baachan was a heavy sleeper.

I turned the shower to an icy-cold temperature, and stepped in, but not before removing my sleepwear. Because seriously: who takes a shower in their clothes? Well, actually, I once read a book about mental asylum patients who were, you know, mental, and did stuff that mentally stable people normally wouldn't, like shower in their clothes, rub toothpaste on their acne, and other stuff like that. Scratch that. Sakura once told me that rubbing Crest on your acne helps get rid of it because of some chemical or another, but I think the people in the book used Colgate. Or some other toothpaste that definitely wasn't Crest.

After my…problem…had been reduced to normal size, I turned the shower off and stepped back out. I took my own sweet time towel-drying my hair, and spent extra time making sure my illegally-tattooed whisker marks, three on each side of my face, were perfectly dry. In fact, I would have spent even more time drying the other parts of my body if Sasuke hadn't of suddenly banged on the bathroom door, sounding quite desperate.

"Come _on_ Naruto! I really, _really _need to use that God damned shower!"

I sighed, and gathered up my sleepwear, slipping on my boxers, and wrapped the towel around my waist. I unlocked the door, and turned the knob. I let gravity simply do the rest of the job. See, I'm all psychic like that. I knew that Sasuke was leaning heavily on the door, and would therefore push the door open as long as I had unlocked the door and had turned the knob. It was all a matter of scientificology. And see, I earned a Masters for Scientificology way back in seventy two, after six years of studious…studying…of several importinant subjects like the debate between whether or not publicly cross-dressing in Miami effected the greenhouse effect, and that three year study of whether sleeping in a chair would effect one's chewing habits or not. Ah, yes: scientificology, the raw shit that makes the world go round like some ice skater on crack, knowing that they weren't getting any later that night. The ice skater was probably gay, too.

Wait. What?

Dang. I only start rambling like that when something incredibly embarrassing happens. Or when I've hit the back of my head hard on some sort of bathroom tile, or something like that. Oh look. Sasuke's sprawled over me in a very suggestive position, and we're lying on the cold bathroom tiled floor.

"Hullo, Sasuke," I said, looking up at my best friend, who had a light blush dusting his pale cheeks. I doubt my face was any less blushed.

"Hello, Naruto," he replied as carefully as ever.

"Hey, Sasuke?"

"Yeah, Naruto?"

"I lied." I can honestly say I had no idea what I was doing, thinking, saying, or anything else like that.

"About what?"

"I didn't understand the name you were moaning during your very wet, wet dream."

"Oh."

"So."

"So?"

"So how did you end up on me?" Ah, the moment of truth. But seriously. I totally blanked out after Sasuke barreled into me and spent me flying backwards, making me hit my head on the cold bathroom tiled floor…oh. Right.

"Um…Scientificology?" he said sheepishly, despite the fact that Uchihas do NOT say ANYTHING sheepishly. Even if they are talking of a large herd of woolly ewes.

"Class of nineteen seventy two?"

"Uh…yeah…" Don't ask me how we had somehow tuned into the same radio channel, but apparently we had. I let my head fall back gently onto the tiled floor, and my eyes lazily surveyed my surroundings, taking in very little, except for the fact that the roll of toilet paper had been put in upside down. Wow, the maid must really hate us or something. Oh, yeah. There was something else that I noticed.

"Ah, could you, um, remove thy knee?" I asked, wiggling a little due to my discomfort. He heaved himself a little by placing his arms on either side of my head, and pushed up. Seeing how painful his knee was being, he rolled completely off me, pushed himself completely up off the floor, and bent down to help me.

After I was stably on my feet, he handed me the clothes I had dropped, and oh-so-gracefully shoved me out of the bathroom. I grinned when I heard the water start up almost immediately. Putting away the dirty clothes, I pulled out my 'It's a Blonde Thing, you Wouldn't Understand' tee shirt and threw it on, along with a pair of khaki shorts. Tsunade was still in bed, her hair mussed up, and desperately clutching her pillow, snoring all the while. She was curled up around the pillow she was clutching, and a small (not really) puddle of drool had pooled under her mouth. It was nine fifteen—how long were Sasuke and I on the floor, and more importantly, how the hell had Sasuke kept his problem in check all that time?—and I figured she'd want to get breakfast at ten or something. Meaning, it was time to wake up Baachan! Joy!

Not really. Baachan was—is—a bear when she wakes up. She'll eat me alive if I wake her up at the wrong time. I needed a plan!

And so Operation: Don't Get Killed By Baachan While Waking Her Up began. I liked to call it ODGKBBWWHU, but for short I think I'll call it WHUP for some reason that is thus far obscure to me. Oh, maybe it stands for Wake Her Up Please? I may never know. Anyway, I didn't exactly have a plan, but I knew it had to consist of gambling and slash or beer.

"Baachan get up or I'll never loan you money, or talk Sasuke into loaning you money, for your gambling and bar debts ever again!"

There. I incorporated both beer and gambling. Needless to say, Tsunade baachan sat right up and, no matter how groggy, began hustling around the room, gathering everything that she had somehow unpacked from her two heavy suitcases. Sitting cross-legged on the bed I slept in last night, I picked up Sasuke's laptop case, pulled out the computer, plugged it in, and started it up. While Sasuke was in the shower and Tsunade was cleaning up her own mess, I planned to play Zoo Tycoon. As the game loaded, I suddenly felt something brush my lower back, and I shrieked, startled.

"What it is?" Tsunade demanded after hearing my shriek. I looked behind myself, and back at her with wide eyes.

"The pillow just tried to rape me!"

"You brat!"

"You don't even care about your own grandson's mental state of mind and virginity?!"

"Okay, one, you're 'mental state of mind' is already shot, and two, you're just gonna lose that virginity of yours to Sas—"

"LALALALA, THIS ISN'T HAPPENING!"

"Oi, you in Room 313: Shut the FUCK UP!"

"Same to you, bastard!"

"That wasn't nice, baachan!"

"Sucks for them."

I sighed, and looked back at the computer screen. It was on the start page, and just for the heck of it, I clicked 'Continue Zoo' taking me to the last zoo Sasuke had used on there. Just as the zoo had loaded, a message popped up. I read it out loud, stunned.

"'Congratulations! Naruto has given birth'?! What the heck?!" I demanded, looking up from the screen to Tsunade who was laughing hysterically.

"Sure explains your recent moodiness and cravings for chocolate and peanut butter, huh?" she was able to gasp out between bouts of laughter. I glared at her. I delicately, for no particular reason that comes to mind at the moment, unfolded my legs and strode purpose-fully towards the bathroom, where I rapped on the door. Before Sasuke could open it, I said in an accented voice,

"Sasuke, you gots some 'splainin' to do!" I could hear what, if it had been anyone but an Uchiha, would have been called a snort come from the other side of the door followed by a,

"What do you want, moron?"

"Sasuke, I just gave birth!" I announced, and I heard a loud thud followed by hysterical laughter.

"It's not my fault!" Sasuke said. Oh, how wrong he was….

"But the only other zebra in the habitat's name is Sasuke," I replied oh-so-innocently. Actually, I just named it that. It made me feel happy. Yay. Sasuke and I have a child. I wonder whose hair color he got. Sasuke, previously known as Plains Zebra 32 (how many had Sasuke killed off?) was the proud father of Naruto's baby, Plains Zebra 37.

Another thud was heard in the bathroom, as well as a muttered, "Oh shit!" I stepped back as Sasuke slammed the door open, and jumped onto the bed with the computer. He clicked on a few things, then looked up at me rather sheepishly again. It was then that I noticed that his hair was dripping wet, as was his chest; he only had on some sexy black silk boxers (kinky) and nothing else. In fact, he had yet to style his hair. Hot damn, my best friend is sexy. Cue nosebleed. No, Naruto! You must control yourself! And your bleeding habits!

"I thought it was a boy?" he offered. I rolled my eyes.

"Enough telepathically fucking, boys," Tsunade said. Seriously: where does she come up with this stuff? "It's time to go."

"Without any breakfast?" I whined, tugging on her shirt sleeve. She was dressed in khaki capris and a shirt with the word 'Sexy' in rhinestones on it that was definitely too small for her chest area. She rolled her eyes at me, and shook me off her arm.

"No, you brat, we're gonna be stopping off at Cracker-barrel's for breakfast, and maybe some fudge," she responded, gathering up her bag. She turned to us. "So get your bags packed and throw away the used condoms. No, scratch that. The maid already hates us, so it's not like we're gonna have to hear her complain."

"Give up on the fuckin' jokes, baachan," I reprimanded, then totally winced at the pun. Sasuke sniggered at me, and I pushed him off the bed. He growled at me. I gave him the cutest little foxy grin I could muster. He picked himself off of the bed, and went back into the bathroom to restyle his hair and whatever the hell else he does in there in the mornings. Ooh…kinky thoughts…no! Go away! Not in the mood now! What am I talking about? No one knows…

I think I'll spend summer vacation in the insane asylum.

I closed up Sasuke's computer, and packed it away. I made sure everything I had brought with me was in my duffle, and straightened up Sasuke's a little. Not really. Sasuke's such a neat freak; he doesn't need anybody cleaning up after him. The prick. The oh-so-lovable-and-not-really-fuckable-or-molestable-but-what's-the-word-I'm-thinking-of-oh-yeah-please-fuck-and-molest-me-yeah-that-works prick.

Hoisting the duffle bag's strap over my shoulder, I grasped Sasuke's computer bag, and took the elevator down to the parking area. I dumped the bags into the back-back, alongside Tsunade-baachan's, and somehow teleported myself back into the hotel room using my mystical mind powers that were granted to me by the HamHam-Sensei, all the while gnawing on a large sunflower seed, my eyes growing to the size of dinner plates and becoming over-shiny.

I took the stairs.

When I got back into the room, Sasuke was done with the bathroom and dressed in a tight green shirt that had in pink letters across the front 'You Talk Too Much'. I think it was directed at me. I shrugged and walked back down the stairs with him now that his bag was repacked. We waited in the middle-back of the station wagon (might I add, it was one of the newer ones not the one you see families from the eighties or something cruising around in) while Tsunade checked us out and all that stuff.

It was a five minute drive to Cracker-barrel, not too bad at all, and I entertained myself by singing.

"I spent all my years believin' you—"

"Shut it, brat!"

"No! You cannot NOT love the powers of Queen!"

"I love Queen just fine, it's you I don't like singing."

"You pain my heart and wound me deeply!"

"Oh, for God's sake, cry me a river, build me a bridge, and get over it!"

"Touché."

I happily skipped into the restaurant, Sasuke in tow, once baachan had found a parking space. We walked up happily to the waitress who was to be seating us, and informed her that there were three people eating this very fine day. She very happily popped her gum in our faces, grabbed three menus, and led the way out of the store that was in the front of the fine eating establishment (they sold fudge here!) and into the actual dining area.

"Oh my God, it's the prey!"

Oh…

Shit.

And there, sitting at the table in the corner, were our little yaoi-fan girls A and B, the reasonable one, and everybody's favorite clueless skater punk. Yaoi-fan girls A and B tried to leap out of their seats, no doubt to glomp me and Sasuke, but reasonable one managed to keep a strong grasp on both of their shirts despite the fact that he was a good six or seven inches shorter than them.

"Let go, Joshie-kun…we want to lock them together in a closet!"

"Yeah, a closet with video cameras!"

I darted behind Sasuke in fear. The waitress looked at us in sympathy, and took us to the table farthest away from the fan girls of a different nature.

"Don't worry about them," she said in a strong southern accent. By then Tsunade baachan had joined us, humming a tune that I distinctly recognized as a Queen song. "They may be completely insane, but they wouldn't hurt a fly—"

"It's a fly! Drown it in the honey!"

I looked at the waitress with wide eyes. She gave me an apologetic smile. "Okay, they wouldn't harm anything larger than a tarantula. My niece and her friends are actually quite smart—they're all in advanced classes, even Harrison—they are just interested in some things that most people their age…aren't."

"Like guys making out on camera?" Sasuke asked dryly. The waitress shrugged.

"They claim they have a—what do they call it?—a gaydar." The woman rolled her eyes. "They claim they can spot a gay guy, whether in or out of the closet, a mile away. Crazy, huh?"

"Yeah…crazy…" I laughed nervously. Sasuke merely raised an eyebrow, and probably would've said something else, but was interrupted by the shouts of a couple of insane yaoi-fan girls.

"I just remembered something important!" the stocky blond girl shouted to the world.

"What was it?" demanded the tall brunette, her voice loud enough to deafen those in Finland.

"I read somewhere that male foxes are bi!" I choked and spluttered on the complementary orange juice that the woman had brought us. Sasuke just snickered at me, and I glared. We both knew that foxes were my favorite animal, and that I had often been described as a, pardon the pun, foxy little boy.

"That's hot!" The waitress from before strode over to their table and whacked both of the girls upside their heads. They whined piteously, but the woman paid no mind.

"Annie, Hannah, you two stop harassing those poor boys!" the woman scolded.

"But Aunt Angie—" the blonde whined, clutching her head. It seemed a lot of people tended to hit the girl on the head. I would like to try one day. "We weren't even talking about those boys over there."

"Even if that cute blond does look like a fox!" the brunette added. They paused to look at each other and grin before saying in unison, "He's foxy!"

I let my head fall to the table. It was painful.

The rest of our breakfast passed without too much trouble, except for the fact that I ran out of syrup for my pancakes, and had to ask for more, but then again, that wasn't very troublesome, so…yeah.

"You two have five minutes to spend in the store before I'm gone," Tsunade said once we had finished our breakfasts. She handed Sasuke a five dollar bill. "Take Abe here and get me some fudge. Something with nuts."

"We won't do your man-shopping for you!" I pouted in a lame comeback. Sasuke ignored me and took the bill.

"Come on moron, let's go get some fudge."

"With testicles," I grinned. He rolled his eyes at me. At the fudge counter, we saw the yaoi-fan girls, but they didn't look too rabid anymore. They saw us when they turned, a small package in the blond's hands. She gave us a small smile.

"Sorry for buggin' you. Normally our gaydar's not wrong, but…" The blond shrugged. "Aunt Angie told me to get you an apology gift or something, and we thought—"

"Hey, who doesn't love fudge?" the brunette supplied.

"—so we got you this," the blond finished, handing it out to me. I raised an eyebrow at it. "It's chocolate-peanut butter," the blond prompted. I practically jumped her for the fudge.

"Oh my God I love you!" I said, cradling the precious fudge.

"The way to a man's heart—" the brunette began.

"Is apparently the same exit ramp as the one for a woman's," the blond finished. They were really creeping me out, the way they finished each other's sentences. Giving us a small wave, they went back into the dining area, where the reasonable one and the clueless skater punk were waiting for them. Sasuke got the fudge-with nuts-and dragged me out to the parking lot.

We got into the car, and Tsunade pulled out of the parking lot. Thus, we began the journey that changed all of our lives. Not really. Well, actually…I don't know. I'm not psychic, and I don't think Scientificology will help me here._  
_

* * *

_The author-ess is sorry for the long wait, but she got her computer taken away in the middle of this, plus you add the writer's block, and yeah. One time, the author-ess' best friend and here were sharing a bed and the author-ess got punched awake because of her best friend._

_Either in the next chapter or the chapter after that, there will be an orange. An orange? What is that? You will see. You will all see._

_Shameless self-promotion:_

_Possible side story-ish fanart: www dot deviantart dot com slash deviation slash 57880185_

_Queen is too powerful and awesome to belong to the author-ess._


	8. Chocolate Peanut Butter Fudge with Lube

"Fuudge," I chanted, holding the precious package of chocolate and peanut butter mixed personal piece of heaven close to my chest, the medium sized box occasionally bouncing in my grasp as the station wagon hit a bump on the highway. Sasuke had given up on telling me to just shut up and eat the damn thing, because not only did I ignore him when he said that, but I shunned him. Yes, I shunned the love of my life (thus far) in favor of chocolate peanut butter flavored fudge. What? Fudge is good. I shall now go into a long-winded rant on how good fudge is.

But first, I shall tell you why chocolate is good. It is nearly physically proven that chocolate does in fact make you better when you're sick, plus doctors (the ones who tell us wine is good for your heart) say that dark chocolate is very healthy indeed. But I don't like dark chocolate. I much prefer milk chocolate and, the gods' gift to the humans from the heavens, white chocolate. Now don't get me wrong: I'm not racist against chocolates, I just like the creaminess and abnormality of white chocolate far better than the bitter-sweet taste of dark chocolate. Seriously. When you think of chocolate, you immediately envision the milky brown color; thinking of the creamy white color isn't as popular as the alternative. Chocolate is good because there are just so many varieties. Kisses, bars, king-sized bars, mini-bars, and, my personal favorite for obvious reasons, peanut butter chocolate cups. Oh, my precious, precious peanut butter chocolate cups. How I love thee. They same chocolate is a girl's second best thing (next to diamonds), and I would firmly debate that it is a girl's first best friend, except for the fact that I am not a girl. Even if I did wear a cami. And I do state now, and will continue to steadily support the fact that camis are not only for girls.

Anyway, fudge is good because it has chocolate in it. Chocolate-peanut butter fudge is even better because it has PEANUT BUTTER in it, as well as CHOCOLATE!

Ah yes, that was so long winded wasn't it?

"Sasuke, what would chocolate-peanut butter ramen taste like?" I asked, thinking about the three loves of my life: Sasuke, ramen, and chocolate-peanut butter. We can't leave out the precious ramen, now can we?

"I don't know what it would taste like, nor would I like to find out, thank you," Sasuke replied, not even looking up from his Mario Kart Racing. "And I thought you were shunning me."

"Well, now I'm not," I said, sticking my tongue out at him in the most responsible and mature way I could think of.

"Brilliant comeback," he muttered, pressing several buttons at once for some sort of combo. "And sometimes I wonder why you aren't already a senior."

I, being the genius I am, ignored him, and decided I should eat my fudge. Because fudge is good, and needs to be eaten before it melts into fudge soup. And even though fudge soup is just as good, I had with me no spoon. So sad. I shall mourn my lack of spoon.

Taking my own sweet time, I began gently unfolding the covers of the box, my mouth already watering at the very thought of the melt-in-your-mouth chocolate-peanut butter artificially flavored fudge. Once the box was completely opened, I looked down. There was my fudge, but next to it was an unidentified bottle. Confused, I picked it up. Sasuke happened to look up at me at that exact same time.

"Naruto?" he asked carefully. I looked at him. Why would he say my name carefully? It's not like he could drop it and it would shatter like glass. My name is made out of a very hard wood. Something you can't break. You can only saw it in half with a very large chainsaw…chainsaws are fun. "Would you mind telling me why there was lube in your fudge?"

It took me a couple of seconds to register that.

"Oh. My. God!" I screamed, holding it out as far as I could, pushing my body up against the car door in an attempt to get further away from it.

"Don't give it to me!" Sasuke shouted, also pushing himself against his own side of the car.

"You're the one who's most likely to use it!" I countered, even though I hoped that he would use it…on me.

"I've got my own thanks!" Cue awkward silence. It was soon broken by Tsunade's near-hysterical laughing. Sasuke and I both clutched the car doors as the station wagon swerved a little on the road.

"Nice!" she said, directing the comment at Sasuke, who was now blushing furiously, as was I.

"Shut up, you old hag," he muttered. She frowned at him.

"Oh, come on Sasuke, no one can have too much lube!" she called over her shoulder, though her attention was at least sixty percent focused on the road. "I mean, think of how much you want to use on—"

"I said shut up, you old hag!" Sasuke practically yelled, his eyes widened completely, his face extremely red, and his head going left and right desperately.

I pouted. Sasuke liked someone else? Great. I could try and out-seduce him, but I don't think that's work the way I'd like it to. What was it that Kiba said Tuesday? 'Nothing that a gallon of alcohol and a big bed can't fix'? And didn't Sakura say that there was going to be a lot of alcohol at the party tomorrow night? Hm…this could be something I could look into.

No, that wouldn't work either. I sighed a great heaving sigh. Why'd you have to do this to me, Sasuke.

I could really use that fudge right about now, I though and broke off a piece from the box, nibbling at it.

The rest of the road trip passed quickly, filled with at least two more rest stops, several sing-a-longs, including songs by the All American Rejects, Gavin DeGraw, Linkin' Park, and yes, even the Eagles, and falling asleep oh-so-subtly on Sasuke. It was a productive car ride, if I do say so myself. Before long, Tsunade was pulling up into Sasuke's mansion's driveway. Surprisingly, there were two other cars that neither me nor Sasuke could remember anyone we know driving them.

"Whozat?" I asked Sasuke, pointing at the cars. He shrugged.

"I dunno. Wanna come in and find out?" he asked, unbuckling his seat belt. I nodded.

"You guys go on in, I'll just sit and wait here," Tsunade baachan said, cutting the engine. Sasuke reached into the back-back and grabbed the giant wolf plushie and his computer bag, leaving me to grab the pillow and his clothes bag. We piled out of the car, using our respective sides (Sasuke scrambling over me to get out on my side, me sliding over to his side) and made our way to the grand front door. No, we used the back door, because the front one is always locked, and besides no one ever used that since the funeral.

When we walked in, we saw Itachi leaning on the kitchen counter, a cup of apple juice in one of his hands, chatting amiably with three other men (or so I could assume, since Itachi was known to befriend feminine males…). That in and of itself was disturbing. Itachi himself was wearing a fishnet shirt, and tight black jeans. His long, black hair was pulled into a low ponytail, and I could see purple finger nail polish on both his finger and toenails. The next man I noticed was very tall, and his skin was, oddly enough, tinted blue. He had what looked like gills tattooed on his cheeks, and his hair looked like it was died a dark blue. His tee shirt, which had ripped sleeves, had a picture of a fish on it, and he wore some baggy jeans. He too had purple nails. The most feminine of them all (Itachi included, and that's saying a lot) was a little bit shorter than Itachi, and had long blonde hair, some of it pulled up in the back, some let loose, and some covering his left eye. His blue eyes (eye…the only one that I could see, at least) were nicely accented by some black eyeliner, and he wore an outfit similar to Itachi's, fishnet shirt and jeans-from-the-teenaged-girls'-department.

The strangest (but overall, most friendly-looking) of the men was a fellow who looked like he could have been a cousin of Sasuke's. And a cousin of mine. I say that only because he seemed to be obsessed with the color orange, much like myself. His black hair was spiked, and had orange-dyed tips. His tee shirt, also orange, had black lines curving out of dot on the right side; it looked much like the hurricanes I had to draw in fourth grade. He wore brown cargo pants, and was about the same height as Sasuke. Even his eyes were similar to Sasuke's. Maybe they're related…

"Little brother!" Itachi squealed, dropping his glass, and running over to squeeze Sasuke within five years of his life. "I thought you died!"

Okay, so remember when I said that he lived with his older brother who honestly didn't give a crap whether the younger boy was alive or not? Well, what I meant to say was that Itachi was extremely bipolar, and mental. Half the year, he was crazy, in the bad way, and the other half he was the sweet, lovable, almost childish older brother that everyone would kill to have.

"Uh, Itachi?" I said, looking over at Sasuke, who was steadily beginning to look like the blue guy, meaning that he was turning blue, not growing gills. Itachi paused to look over at me. "I think you're strangling him…he can't breathe."

"Oh, you're right, Naru-kun!" he said, using some Japanese suffix, and immediately dropped his little brother, who flopped about, gasping for air, much like a fish. Once he had regained his breath and composure, Sasuke turned to Itachi.

"Oh brother mine, who, dare I ask, are these people?" Sasuke asked in his 'business voice,' gesturing at the three men; the orange-obsessed one was annoying the blonde one, and the tall one was looking at us in amusement. Itachi looked at Sasuke blankly, before dawning a look of understanding.

"Right!" Itachi practically pirouetted over to the blue man, and hung off his arm; the taller man rolled his eyes, but didn't give any other signs of not encouraging the mental man. "This, baby brother, is my boyfriend, Kisame. Kisame, this is my baby brother Sasuke and his boyfriend, Naruto."

Both of us turned red at Itachi's introduction, and Sasuke immediately spluttered, "H-he's not my boyfriend, he's my best friend."

Itachi scoffed. "Best friend, boy friend, not much difference."

Sasuke wisely changed the subject. I sighed in relief. "I didn't know you had a boyfriend," he commented.

"I thought I mentioned to you a couple days ago that my boyfriend and a couple of my friends are moving in…" Itachi mused, half to himself.

"A couple days ago, I was at Naruto's," Sasuke said.

"Oh! Maybe I was talking to my reflection…"

"Whatever, so who exactly are your friends?"

"Right!" Itachi then flounced over the blond haired man. No wonder gays get those stereotypes; just look at Itachi. "This, dear brother and dear brother's fuck buddy, is Deidara. He's an artist!"

Sasuke, who had sat in one of the barstools by the counter had immediately done a face-flop onto the granite countertop at the mention of me and him being fuck buddies. I had the distinct feeling of wanting the earth to swallow me and immerse me in a Sasuke-filled dream.

Taking our silence (meaning lack of vocal comments) to mean that we wished him to continue, Itachi pranced (what's with him?) over to the shortest man. "This, darling little brother and darling little brother's dirty little secret—"

"WOULD YOU SHUT UP?!"

"—is Tobi. I don't know why he's here…"

"He wouldn't let go of my arm, un," Deidara said sarcastically, holding up one of his arms, which Tobi was grasping.

"But sempai," Tobi whined, reminding me of…well, myself, "I already told you: my hand fell into the glue in your studio before we got evicted for paintballing the old lady across the hall."

"That was art, yeah!" Deidara growled. Everyone near took a step back, except for Tobi who, even through he tried, was yanked back because of his hand being attached to his friend's arm. Sasuke stared at Deidara and Tobi for a minute before turning to his brother.

"So who's bottom?" he asked as if it was the most normal thing to ask. Tobi immediately raised his hand and waved it around.

"I am!" he shouted. I felt my eyes widen; no one, except maybe me, was that stupid. Deidara whacked him upside his head.

"You idiot! He wasn't talking to you, un!" the blond man shouted, his face burning almost as much as Sasuke and mine had. Almost. But not quite. He had several shades of red to go before he could even rival my blush, it was just that awesomely red.

"Ignoring the fact that Tobi just ruined whatever secrecy Deidara had hoped for to hide their relationship, to answer your question, little brother, it is none of your business," Itachi replied, causing me to take a few minutes before I caught up with what he just said. I giggled quietly. Naturally, I was the last to laugh, alongside Tobi of course.

"'He who laughs last thinks slowest,'" quoted Kisame. Tobi and I stuck our tongues out at him.

"Are you two related or something?" asked Itachi, looking from Tobi, to me, to Tobi, then back again at me.

"God have mercy on our souls if there are two people in this world like Naruto," Sasuke said dramatically, clutching at his chest. I growled and launched myself at him, fully prepared for wrestling him on the chair, or n the ground. What I wasn't prepared for was him catching me, causing me to end up in a very awkward (not to mention suggestive) position. My legs were slung over his hips, his hands were grasping my waist, and, the most important detail in my opinion, our lips were approximately four inches apart.

There were a few seconds where I had stopped beating, but I could feel my heartbeat speeding up, and I somehow knew that Sasuke's had too, before we both jerked back. However, Sasuke had jerked back at too great a force, and the barstool began slowly, ever so slowly, falling backward. Sasuke's eyes were open just as wide as they possibly could be, his pupils shrinking in surprise. When we hit the ground, I went pitching forward, turning a somersault over my best friend, and ending up with the top of my head barely brushing Sasuke's hair.

Another few seconds of silence passed before Itachi and his friends began laughing hysterically at us. I heard a thump, and guessed that the older Uchiha had fallen down he was laughing so hard. A grinning face appeared before mine, which I vaguely recognized as Tobi.

"Need help getting up?" he asked, holding out the hand that wasn't glued to Deidara (he had pulled a giggling blond man all the way from the kitchen to where we were). I nodded and took the hand. Tobi pulled me up and waited a second before moving over to where Sasuke lay in shock.

"Thanks," I murmured, completely disorientated, through from what I don't know.

"Nice way of proving you two aren't in a sexual relationship!" Kisame called from the kitchen.

Oh yeah. That.

I tried to focus my eyes enough to read the digital clock, but somehow couldn't. "Hey, what time is it?" I asked.

Itachi had gathered himself together enough to stand and look at the clock. "One forty seven, why?"

"Hey, Naruto, don't you need to go to work?" Sasuke asked, having been pulled up by Tobi moments before.

"Oh shit!" I shouted, just now remembering that I indeed had work. I nearly ran into the door in my haste to get back to the car. "Bye Sasuke! Remember, we have to go to Ino's in the morning to help set up for her party!"

"I know, just get your ass to Al's before you're fired!" he shouted at me, even though I was already more than halfway through the door. I sprinted down the driveway, and swung myself into the passenger seat of the station wagon.

"To the Pizzeria!" I shouted, taking on a heroic pose, and pointing forward. "Tsunade just looked at me.

"What makes you think I'll drive you?" she demanded, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh, please," I begged.

"It's completely in the opposite direction," she said, backing out of the driveway.

"Be a good guardian for once," I pouted.

"And you say this to the woman who just took you and your sexual interest to Busch Gardens," she said sarcastically, even though she was driving in the direction of Al's.

"Yatta!" I said. To work I go.

* * *

_The author-ess is SO sorry to make this so short, BUT she wanted to post something before leaving to Kansas for ten days…ten days with no laptop. Sorry!_

_If you think this is rushed, well sorry, it is! _

_No oranges in this chapter, sorry, but the author-ess knows for a fact that once she gets back from Kansas, she will post an uber long chapter with an orange._

_Whatever is in this chapter that does not belong to the author-ess, does not belong to her._


	9. He Can Do THAT With His Tongue!

_The author-ess slowly takes her long wavy blond hair out of its bun and starts swishing it around her in slow motion, causing shojo-heroine sparkles to appear in the area around her; outside her window, several birds began to sing an angelic melody. The author-ess immediately takes out her paint-ball gun and shoots at the birds, silencing their melody. Having taken care of the birds, she dips her hair into a can of blue pain before chopping it all off. That said and done, the author-ess turns and smiles politely at the readers._

_The author-ess has decided that, to say she is sorry for lack of updatedness, she will post a small mini story before the continuation of the actual story. Enjoy, loves!_

* * *

"Captain! We are ascending!" 

"Jolly good! Batten down the hatches!"

"…who, sir?"

"Oh. Go fetch me my first mate and my first-and-a-half mate."

"I can't, sir."

"Why is that?"

"They're playing…fetch, sir."

"Well, why in the name of my great grand uncle Michael are they doing that?"

"Er…you told them to, sir."

"Oh. Tell them to carry on, then."

"Right…so who do you want to batten down the hatches?"

"Ah, get the fellow who normally so youthfully swabs the deck."

"He's preoccupied at the moment, sir."

"Doing what?"

"Well, sir, he was getting motion sickness, so he took some Dramamine—"

"What motion?"

"Ah, excuse me?"

"What motion? We are not moving!"

"But we're ascending, captain…"

"Why did nobody tell me this?!"

"I did, sir."

"Oh, you did? Well…carry on as you were, then."

"Right…so the lad took some medicine, but since then, he hasn't been quite right in the head…"

"Who are you to assume such things?"

"Sir, he was seen talking to a giant turtle—"

"About what?"

"I was about to say, sir…"

"Then get on with it!"

"He was asking the turtle if it knew any reliable online dating services."

"'Tis such a pity that many a online dating service has fallen prey to malevolent stalkers and general do-not-righters."

"Do-wrongers."

"Excuse me?"

"Well, you said do-not-righters, and I thought—"

"You thought what?"

"I thought that an easier way to…say it…would be…do…wrongers…I'll get back to the report, sir!"

"You had better."

"Well, after asking the turtle about dating services, the lad passed out."

"Why?"

"The Dramamine, sir."

"What about it?"

"It was the drowsy formula, sir."

"Clearly. Why else would the lad pass out? Why hadn't you thought of that?"

"But sir—"

"Not now, I must—AUGGGHHH!"

"Sir!"

"Why has no one battened down the hatches?!"

"You haven't asked anyone to, sir."

"Well, you don't exactly need my permission to batten down the hatches."

"But, sir, you're the captain—"

"Which is why everyone must do as I say. Now, go fetch someone to batten down the hatches."

"Yes, sir."

"Now, I must continue on as I was, checking—what is that God-awful noise?!"

"The alarm, sir! The hull has been breached!"

"Ah! Since when did you get here?!"

"I've been standing by your side for the past five minutes, captain."

"And a jolly good job you've done of it. Now go find the cook and make sure he doesn't burn anything that'll alert the smoke detector."

"But sir! The hull's been—"

"Beached. Yes, yes, I know. It's about time we've had a decent vacation."

"Not beached, sir, breached! An intruder, sir!"

"An intruder you say?"

"Yes!"

"Offer him a shot."

"You mean to shoot him?!"

"No, give him a nice shot of apple juice."

"Apple juice?!"

"Grape juice if it is a lady."

"Sir, you are missing the point!"

"I see no point that could be desired…Land ho!"

"Sir, we haven't moved!"

"I though you said we were ascending?"

"We've stopped!"

"Why?"

"We've been breached!"

"Oh, I hope it's Atlantic!"

"Atlantic what?"

"Atlantic Beach!"

"That's it, I call for a mutiny!"

"We do not carry sheep on this ship, you should know that!"

* * *

_The end! The author-ess hopes you enjoyed the drabble-esque dialogue between a self-contradictory captain and his helper. So, onto the actual story! The author-ess is PDS (pretty damn sure) it's gonna be long! So get some popcorn, a vacuum to suck up the popcorn you spewed while laughing too hard, and a drool bucket, maybe (the author-ess suggests a five gallon). If it seems broken up in places, it was probably because the author-ess was too busy reading AkuRoku, Soku, and Zemyx. If you have ever heard of __**The Writer you fools**__, you would know what a surprisingly sweet couple Zemyx is… (The author-ess has no clue what goes on in the KHI and KHII plot lines, so she tries to stick to AU stuff)… ANYWAY:_

* * *

"Thanks for the ride, baa-chan!" I shouted, slamming the door shut as I bounced out of the car. Tsunade had pulled the station wagon up to the curb to let me out, instead of parking, being the lazy guardian she is. She waved a little to me, and drove off, leaving me to make cheesy cardboard pizzas with my friends and coworkers. Joyfulness! I turned on my heel, and took a step forward, fully intending to step onto the sidewalk and happily prance into Al's, where I would be greeted warmly by Ino yelling at me for being late…again. 

However, I stepped too soon, and ended up falling on my knee on the sidewalk, which I had misjudged the distance from. Or something. I fell back onto the street, causing my butt to hurt, and examined my knee. No blood. Darn. I love blood. Not in the freaky, obsessed with making myself bleed, ah I'mma cut myself and lick up the blood, way; but the, ooh, blood! So pretty! I'm gonna go donate lots of blood to the blood bank when I'm old enough.

Beside the lack of blood, nothing much seemed to be out of place, or wrong, it was just a little red and scraped up. I stood up, but winced when I felt a dull pain start up in my knee. When I took a step forward, I ended up limping. Shrugging it off as just a little pain, I hobbled my way into Al's.

"Naruto, you little slacker, you're late! Even after a day off!"

"Thank you, Ino; I feel so special when my friends greet me warmly after I've been gone," I replied dryly, limping over to the counter. Ino appeared at the cash register. She looked different today. New haircut? No…new shoes? I peered over the counter. No…oh, it must be the small (small? Ha!) seedless watermelon stuffed down her shirt. The melon had stretched out the cami, and left quite a bit of cleavage for the world to view and enjoy. All in all, it was quite a sexy site.

For a straight man.

Which I am not.

For I am Sasuke-sexual.

As I've mentioned several times.

"Ino, take the melon out. You're gonna stretch that cami out," I said, sliding over the counter (despite the fact that I had been told at least five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred times not to) and hobbling to the back where I slung on my apron.

"Damn. Sakura, I owe you twenty bucks!" I heard Ino shout from the register. Sakura popped out of nowhere, grinning maniacally. Not that that was unusual, of course.

"I knew it!" she cried, flouncing (in a very similar fashion to Itachi, scarily enough) over to her best friend, and snatched up the two crinkled up ten bills and stuffed them into her pocket. Ino rolled her eyes, and took the melon out of her shirt, lobbing it at Chouji, who barely caught it before it went ka-splat on the ground. Ka-splat. That's a funny sound effect, nearly as good as 'wood.' Seriously, I once read a doujinshi (it was yaoi, now that I think of it; RikuSora, I believe…what?) where two boys were fighting with their swords (not like that…that came later…), which were wooden, and when they clashed, the sound effect for that was 'wood.' Very amusing.

"Keep your drool in your mouth please," Ino _purred_ (yes, purred; it was quite obvious she was flirting; it was about time she did something about that crush of hers…) to Chouji, who was still staring at the blond girl's stretched-out shirt. Oh-ho-ho…good thing there's not a rule against inter-workplace relationships…or whatever it's called. I feel my Inner Matchmaker awakening…

"What's up with you?" Sakura demanded, darting in front of me, and startling me out of my thoughts. "You were chanting something like 'kukuku' and rubbing your hands together as if you were plotting something. Ooh, you were!"

"I was just thinking of how great a couple Ino and Chouji would make," I commented, ignoring the annoying pitch Sakura's voice had risen to. I turned to look at Sakura after she had gone over ten seconds without making a sound; she was staring at me with a weird expression on her face.

"Ino and Chouji have been dating for a month and a half," she said slowly. I mouthed the word 'oh' and blushed a little.

"So what was with Ino, the melon, you, and apparently a twenty-buck bet?" I asked after a moment of chopping some onions (without crying, for I am impervious to their evil tear-jerking ways, the little bastards!). Sakura regained her grin, and I prepared myself for the onslaught of Sakura-ness that was sure to come.

"Well, I bet Ino twenty buckaroos that the next boy to come through the doors was going to be gay!" she announced. I promptly choked on air.

"W-what?!" I demanded. "How could you tell? I mean, how could you tell if a boy was gay?"

"Well, first of all, nice save," she thwacked me on the back, "and second of all, we stuffed a watermelon down her cami and, as you saw, it stretched out, revealing her cleavage. And everyone knows that Ino is pretty…well endowed…and any straight—or bi, for that matter—man would sure as hell pass out from lack of blood."

"Ah…" I began, trying to stall. "Then why hasn't Chouji passed out?"

"He's used to it," Sakura shrugged. "Don't ask."

"Wasn't planning on it," I replied, and turned to cut up a few more onions. "So, who was the lucky boy?"

"You," she said casually. I dropped my knife.

"WHAT?! SHIT!"

"Ino, you own me ten more bucks! I told you that was what he'd say!" Sakura shouted to her friend. I began hyperventilating. Why? I dunno, maybe because apparently the world _did_ Know more than me! It took me half a minute to right my breathing, but eventually it evened out.

"What's with all the yelling?" I turned to see Kiba walking out of the employee's bathroom, flicking a used paper towel into the kitchen's trash bin. He spotted me and visibly rolled his eyes. "Oh. That's why."

"We totally found Naruto out!" Ino squealed, popping up beside Sakura, whose head was totally spazzing out, jerking up and down faster than a speeding bullet.

"About what?" Kiba asked, tying his apron on and walking to the ovens, where he checked a loaded one.

"That he's gay!" Sakura shrieked. I winced and covered my ears.

"Could you be any louder?" I mumbled, my face resuming its impression of a tomato blah blah blah.

"You haven't told them?" Kiba turned to me, a quizzical look on his face. I shrugged.

"I just asked you about it, that's all. I didn't know what to do! WHY ARE YOU PRESSURIZING ME?!" I collapsed onto the ground dramatically.

"It's okay, Naruto!" Lee said, appearing over me.

"Where did you come from?!" I demanded, but, as usual, was ignored completely.

"Love knows no gender! Love, the Springtime of Youth, ah, it is so…"

"Youthful?" Sakura supplied dryly.

"And that is why I love you, my beautiful cherry blossom!" Lee announced, manly tears of whatever spilling down his face, and promptly attaching himself to her arm. Sakura sighed, but made no move to remove him; how…un-Sakura-istic. I heaved myself up and glared at my coworkers.

"Thanks for helping me up guys. Really. You people are such great friends."

"Hey, you were the one who decided to collapse," Kiba replied, shrugging. I limped over to the sauce station. Someone behind me giggled. I turned around to see a grinning, red Sakura. This was not normal, for Sakura was usually pink.

"What?"

"Naruto, are you limping?" she asked in a falsely innocent voice.

"Yeah, why?" I deadpanned. She just grinned more.

"Do you hurt?"

"Ah…" I thought about knee, which was dully throbbing, "…I guess." Her grin widened.

"Is your butt sore?"

"Why do you want to know?"

"Friendly concern?" she pouted, looking at me. By then Lee had let go and was watching with vivid interest; it was all or nothing with that boy. Ino had sidled up to her friend, and Kiba was clearly eaves dropping by the ovens; Chouji had disappeared into the freezer.

"Friendly concern my ass," I murmured, before saying aloud, just to get her off my back, "sorta."

My ears were then promptly killed by a shriek that could have deafened those in southwestern Antarctica, and was nearly knocked to the ground as my pink haired friend assaulted me in what she so proudly calls a flying tackle hug.

"Aw!" she squealed; she was now completely in fan girl mode. "My little Naru-Naru has become a man!"

"Dare I ask what you speak of?"

"You got fucked!"

Oh…

My…

Lord…

Chamberlain's…

Men.

She didn't.

I turned to look at her.

Hell yeah, she did.

"'Sup my bitches!" came a voice I knew very well from the front register. "How are my favorite cardboard bakers?"

"Hot, sweaty, and covered in cheese," I replied, trying to get the attention off me.

"That sounds so kinky!" Sakura shouted, and I thanked all supernatural beings above for the distraction. Sadly, Sakura would not let this new (false) information pass by unnoticed. And worse, she had her own assumptions.

"Bastard with a stick up his ass!" she squealed, and rushed to the counter, where Sasuke had perched himself. Yes, it was Sasuke. Who else could it have been? The muffin man? I think not.

"Hello, insufferably pink thing," he replied, offering a grin to her pout. It was kind of an inside joke, if you will: Sasuke was called bastard with a stick up his ass (which he had been dubbed when he was going through seventh grade and was not very emotional and was very much a prick, if I do say so myself), Sakura was called insufferably pink thing (due to the color of her hair), and I was dobe (which Sasuke swore was dead last in Japanese, since I barely passed any of my classes). Don't get me wrong, we don't hate each other (come on, Sasuke's my best friend, and Sakura's my girl best friend), it's just we enjoy poking fun at each other. And just plain poking each other.

"You seem awfully happy," I mumbled, limping over to lean on the counter beside my friend's ass, which proved to be quite a lovely view, let me tell you that. Sasuke shrugged and banged his feet against the low-cut wall.

"And why wouldn't he be?" Lee announced loudly (as always), inserting himself into the conversation. "Congratulations, by the way!"

"On what?" Sasuke asked, completely unaware at the lurking danger. My eyes widened as I realized what was to come. Sadly, fate hated my friggin' guts.

"On gettin' you some Naru ass!" Ino shouted, clapping him on the shoulder (hard) before I had a chance to shout to Sasuke to run for his life (and my pride).

"E-excuse me?" Sasuke stuttered, his eyes widening as well, an ever so light blush dusting his cheeks. He looked to me for support. I slammed my head onto the counter. No hope left for my pride. It is gone. Hell, it left me once I started middle school. Long story, no time to tell it, ask for it later.

"You _did _fuck Naruto last night, didn't you?" Chouji asked, brushing some frost from the freezer off his shoulder. Thank you Chouji. No really. _Thank_ you.

"Ah, no…was I supposed to?" Sasuke asked, laughing nervously, scratching the back of his head, and blushing full-out. All in all, it was completely out of character.

"Damn!" Sakura shouted at the same time Ino whined, "Yes!" Sasuke looked seriously disturbed.

"Naruto, what was that about?" he asked, looking at me with fear in his eyes.

"I tripped getting out of the car, fell on my knee, then my ass, came in limping, and they assumed things that shouldn't have been assumed!" I whined, pouting.

"Well, we didn't go completely without facts like usual," Sakura retorted, pouting as well (but my pout was far poutier!).

"What facts?" I demanded, rolling my eyes.

"The facts that we found out just moments ago!" she said, clapping her hands. I growled, and prepared myself to pounce and save my dignity (my pride was gone, but I had yet to lose my dignity). "You know, the fact that you're—"

"Shut it, pinky!" I growled, pouncing and successfully clapping a hand over her mouth. She frowned at me, and I rolled my eyes.

"That you're what, Naruto?" Sasuke asked, possibly donning the most uke-esque face he owned. No, I'm serious. It's all like, I'm-confuzed-and-I-don't-understand-and-I'm-just-waiting-for-someone-to-molest-me. His head was tilted to the side, like a cute little puppy, and his lip was jutted out ever so slightly; he was blinking more than usual, giving him the appearance of complete ignorance. Or he had something in his eyes.

"That he's suffering from a deep depression because he thinks his love is unrequited," Kiba put in smugly, walking over from his spot near the ovens. I growled at him.

"I didn't know you were suffering from unrequited love, Naru-chan," Sasuke whined, pouting further. What was _with_ this guy?! Did he actually _want_ to be raped right there and then?! "Why are you hiding something from me? I thought I was your best friend…"

"You know, best friend is only a step away from—"

"Don't make me bite you!"

Sasuke laughed, finally breaking off his uke-fest. Thank God. He turned to Kiba, who had begun the evil, evil sentence. "I'd keep away from him. He's totally serious when he threatens to bite someone. I know."

Kiba's face lit up in amusement. "Did he give you a hi—"

"Oh go fuck your boyfriend!" I shouted at him, my face rivaling the skin of a tomato in redness. A ripe tomato, mind you, not a green tomato. Or a fried green tomato. Those are just plain icky.

"Be fucked, thank you very much," Kiba sniffed, and turned back to the oven, which had dinged. "And for your information, I plan on doing so after my shift."

My eye twitched. Sakura squealed. Ino shrieked. Lee did the Nice Guy Pose (something his martial arts teacher had taught him) and went on about youth…as usual. Chouji nearly dropped the dough he was handling. Sasuke choked on his own spit. The customer at the register coughed politely.

Oh, shit! A customer!

"Ah, if this isn't a bad time…" the petite woman began, nervously twirling her chin-length strawberry blond hair around her finger. She was wearing a pink shirt that read in blue letters, 'You ask me if you think I'd know' and had on some blue plaid knee-length shorts; her shoes were a bright lime green. I believe I'm in love with her shirt and shoes.

"Oh, no, I'm sorry, ma'am, for the inconvenience," Ino said, pulling herself together amazingly well for someone who was just squealing over the hotness of a boy-boy couple getting' it on later that night.

"It's alright," the woman replied, losing some of her nervousness, and straightening her back, proving that she wasn't as petite as she seemed before. "I would like a medium sausage pizza to go, please."

"Five to ten minutes wait, ma'am, if you don't mind," Ino responded smoothly as she pushed Sasuke off the counter and the rest of the workers, me included, into the kitchen. She continued on with standard worker-to-customer chat as I deftly spread the sauce over the smooth dough. Lee youthfully sprinkled cheese evenly onto the sauce, and Chouji scattered just the right amount of sausages onto the pizza, leaving Kiba to slide it into the oven and turn on the timer. It was a ballet of sorts; a ballet performed by lazy stay-at-home-watching-football-in-the-LazyBoy husbands with beerguts to rival the stomach of a ten month pregnant women. Ow. Ten months. Painful. Biologically possible? I dunno.

Once the delicious looking pile of meat, cheese, and cardboard had been given to the woman, Sasuke resumed his original position, but avoided the previous conversation, THANK YOU WHOEVER IS UP THERE LISTENING.

"Ino, where exactly do you live?" he asked her, turning to the blond. She shrugged.

"It's the house on the corners of Butterfly Lane and Pig Run Way. Bright yellow, only house with decent lawn decorations. You can't really miss it."

"Ah, it's just houses away from my own…but then again, my lot is pretty big," he said, sipping some orange soda he had gotten in his own cup from the soda fountain. "I live on the street that's just off of—"

"Well, du-uh! Everyone knows where _you _live!" Sakura said, drawling out the duh. "Everyone in this town has had _at least _one wet dream involving you. Me included. Except I wasn't actually in the action. It was you and—" she gave me a smug look "—an anonymous blond with big blue eyes and a nice ass."

"You knew what his butt looked like?" Lee asked, something entirely un-Lee-like, effectively killing all the squirrels in a one-block radius from shock. No, I'm kidding. Sasuke asked that.

"Now, she never said it was a boy, did she?" Ino pointed out coyly. Chouji huffed.

"This is _Sakura_ we're talking about." Okay, that was Lee. No it wasn't, it was me.

"With those past comments being beside the point, I know because Sasuke moaned it into his ear right before he stuck—"

"Bread in the toaster!" Lee shouted, covering his ears, to prevent any further loss of innocence and youth, God forbid.

"You do know how provocative that is, don't you, love?" Sakura purred in the same tone Ino had used to reprimand Chouji. Lee rolled his eyes and walked back into the kitchen.

"Well, I do believe my brother and his significant other have passed out from overexertion by now, so I do believe it is time for me to head back home," Sasuke announced, looking at his cell.

"What about the other two?" I asked.

"Your long lost twin and Ino's older sister?" he asked, though it was rhetorical. I laughed at the fact that Deidara did look like he could have passed as Ino's older sister. "They're more discreet. I really don't have to worry about them. They don't go at it like bunnies in heat. I'll see you guys at, say, eleven at Ino's tomorrow?"

"Right," we all agreed, and Sasuke walked out the door. Sakura and Ino simultaneously turned to me.

"You need to make your move."

"Soon."

I hung my head and nodded.

---OMG, TIME SKIP, WTF?!---

It was the end of my shift, thank goodness to berries. I tossed my apron into the basket with the others' soiled one and made my way to the door. Just as I pushed the door open, Kiba pulled me aside.

"Whajja wan?" I whined, poking the hand that was gripping my upper left arm. Kiba let go and instead poked me in the forehead.

"Wear that black cami of yours—"

"It's my grandma's!"

"—don't care, just wear it to the party."

"Why?"

"Because that Sasuke guy was totally staring at you why you were eating your breakfast at McDonald's!" Kiba said, waving his arms around for emphasis.

"How do you know he wasn't staring at my breakfast?" I asked, thinking of the yummy breakfast sandwich.

"Because I'm not an idiot like you," he retorted, causing me to growl, but he continued on nonetheless. "I hooked up with my best friend, so you should listen to me."

"Did _you_ seduce _your_ best friend in a cami?" I asked dryly.

"No, I went to a big party with loads of alcoholic beverages, got drunk, got Shino drunk (which was pretty hard, might I add), and somehow got us horny and in an empty room with our clothes nowhere to be found," he said in a smart-ass tone. I stuck out my tongue at him. "Your plan will be similar, I believe, but will include a cami, causing several other boys to look at you. Jealousy is key. He sees other guys wanting you, he wants you more. Got it?"

"Well, how do I know he wants me in the first place?"

"Oh, my poor naïve coworker, _trust me_." Then Kiba unceremoniously shoved me out the door and left me to catch my bus back to the apartment. I sighed. Why, oh why, did it have to be me? Why couldn't be Sasuke who was secretly lusting over me? WHY?

---OMG, MORE TIME SKIPPINGS, LOL, JUST LIKE DURING FOURTH PERIOD, WTF IS UP WITH ALL THESE TIME SKIPS?!---

I glared at the black cotton thing with venom in my eyes; it stared back at me mockingly, daring me to go against its wishes. I growled; it just kept its gaze even, proudly boasting its knowledge that it knew I would soon cave in. I knew I would, too; Kiba had more experience (in many subjects other than the one I was confronting, but that is beyond the point) than I did, and I, sadly enough, trusted him. Groaning in defeat, I grabbed the black cami off the back of the chair and pulled it over my head. I also grabbed and slid into my favorite pair of pants: light brown cargo pants with tons of pockets, very loose, but had a very tight waist. I don't know why I liked them so much; Sasuke tells me that he sees skater girl punks wearing them all the time.

I was dressed, ready to go, and it was ten fifteen on the morning of the day of the party that Kiba practically swore I would lose my virginity at; I didn't need to leave the apartment for Ino's until ten thirty at the earliest. I was bored. So what did I do? I prank called Sasuke. Well, one couldn't exactly call it a prank call, because Sasuke knew it was me, but played along anyway. Now, what prank to use? Huh. Ooh! My phone was out in a flash and I quickly dialed in thirteen; it was the speed dial number for him.

After two rings, he picked up. "_Hello?_" he asked rather groggily, and very un-Sasuke-like; usually, Sasuke would be up and ready by now.

"All right. Do you know…the muffin man?" I asked, pausing dramatically. He caught on immediately.

"_The muffin man?_" he repeated.

"The muffin man," I affirmed.

"_Yes I know the muffin man. Who lives on Drury Lane?"_

"Well, she's married to the muffin man…"

"_The muffin man?"_

"THE MUFFIN MAN!"

"_She's married to the muffin man._" Cue hysterical laughter. Yeah, cuz that's just how Sasuke and I roll.

"So what's up with you, Mr. Grumpy Gills?" I asked in my Dory voice.

"_Now who said I was grumpy?_" he replied, yawning over the phone. "_I'm just tired. I had absolutely _no_ sleep last night._"

"Brother being fucked and screaming out, 'Oh, Kisame! Harder, harder! Oh, yeah, AHHH!'?" I guessed, pitching my voice an octave or two higher for the imitation of Itachi.

"_Oh, no, that was only for the first half of the night_," Sasuke growled. My eyes widened, as did my grin.

"They didn't? Not my long lost twin and the older sister of Ino?" I asked, letting my grin seep into my voice. Sasuke groaned over the phone, telling me that they, in fact, did.

"_The kid is so vocal! I swear, if he isn't screaming, he's moaning, and honestly I think he was giggling at one point. _Giggling_, Naruto! Who giggles during sex? I don't. Do you? No—"_

"How would _you_ know, Sasuke?" I asked coyly, batting my eyelashes at air. There was a moment of silence before Sasuke voiced his thoughts.

"_Hey, Naruto, are _you_ vocal during sex?_" Wow. Random. What's up with that?

"Dunno, wanna find out?" I teased, sounding a hell of a lot calmer than I felt. Seriously, what was up with Sasuke asking that?

"_Sorry, you know I'd freakin' love to but I can't right now. Gotta get dressed, find a couple of pints of Visine for each of my eyes, the normal things. Maybe later tonight when we're drunk off our asses and have no clue who we're with or what we're saying?_"

"M'kay, sounds good, I'll hold you up to that," I said, laughing in a teasing manner. "See you at Ino's." We then hung up.

"Time please, Gertrude. Ten twenty three you say? Why thank you Gertrude. Well, I shall be off now, Gertrude; maybe pick up some McDonald's on the way, seeing as Ino's house is close to Sasuke's and McDonald's is on the way. See you later, Gertrude. Much later, I suspect; Ino's having the party, and it's supposed to last into the wee hours of the morning. What was that, Gertrude? Use protection? Gertrude, you skank!" I lightly slapped the small green house plant's leaves and pulled on another shirt over my cami; it read 'Nature Can't be Restocked' and had a picture of a barcode with zebras in the code on it. I pocketed all necessary items (which did NOT include a condom, thank you very much, Gertrude!), slipped on my shoes (which were never tied nor untied) and left my apartment.

As I had told Gertrude before I left my bedroom, I stopped by McDonald's and picked up a large order of apples and broccoli. No, I didn't; healthy eating is for people who are afraid to die young! I got myself a big-ass helping of deep fried potato sticks (also known as fries). Well, come to think of it, aren't potatoes vegetables too? They are!

After I had swallowed the last of the artery-clogging goodness, I tossed my trash into the trashcan and left the fine eating establishment for Ino's house. As she had said to Sasuke, it was the only yellow house on the corner with decent lawn decorations; there was a cute little gnome riding a frog with a trumpet in its hands, as well as several others. Really, they were quite tasteful when all was said and done. I mean, it wasn't as if there was a little boy and girl gnome doing it doggie-style. No little gnome-lings getting knocked up. My inherited pervertedness beside the point, I walked up to the door and knocked. Lee answered the door. No he didn't. Kiba did. No, it wasn't Kiba either. Haku yanked the door open and smiled at me sweetly, like he did every time he saw Sasuke and I walking down the hall alone (it was as if he Knew something!). No, wait, Haku's off on some beach for the week off…

It was Ino. No, it was Sakura. No, it was both. I'm serious this time. Ino had yanked the door open, but was pounced upon from behind by Sakura, who had squealed in joy (or so I thought) when she saw me. "Hey, Nata!" she yelled over her shoulder. "I forgot to tell you that you were right all those years ago!"

Who was Nata?

"About what I think I was?" came Hinata's voice from further in the house, and surprisingly it had a little bit of excitement in it. I wondered if now was a good time to run. Ino squashed that hope.

"Well, come on in," she said, having picked herself off the floor and from under her best friend, and gripping my arm. I then entered (i.e. was dragged into) Ino's house. Her house was incredibly large, but not nearly as big as Sasuke's. She led (dragged) me into the main living room, where all of the furniture had been removed, and a large stereo system connected to a lap top were in the corner. Sitting at the computer, was Hinata, who looked up to see who entered the room. She squealed much like Sakura when she saw it was me. I tried to bite my arm off to escape.

"I was right!" she said, and came over to pull me to the computer. Apparently I couldn't walk on my own today. She sat me down in a chair beside her own, and began scrolling down what looked like a long list of titles. It was iTunes. "So have you made out with him yet?" she probed in a very unlike Hinata way. It scared me.

"I have no idea who -what- you're talking about," I said quickly, looking away.

"Made out with who?" came a voice at the door to the kitchen. Oh, darn you, Sasuke, Murphy, and Fate. Darn you all!

Hinata's head swiveled to wear Sasuke was standing, giving both of us weird looks. "Sasuke, Naru's in denial," she whined in an oddly singsong voice.

"I am not!" I retorted. She sighed.

"Now he's in denial about not being in denial!"

"I'm not in denial! I've admitted it to myself; I just don't feel like sharing it with you people. Besides, you all seem to Know far more about what I like than I do!"

"Damn right we do!"

"What are we talking about?" Sasuke said, looking hopelessly lost. Poor guy. Great, now he's looking molestably uke…again. He really needed to stop doing that. He was supposed to be the seme of my dreams! Hinata looked briefly back at him before turning to me.

"Except for him," she corrected.

"Obviously." I rolled my eyes.

"Okay, listen, whatever," Sasuke said, waving his hand dismissively. "Can we just get back to getting ready?" he asked dryly, obviously sulking from being left out of something. My poor Sasuke!

"Sure!" Ino exclaimed happily, making sure that we didn't forget about her. "Sakura and I're working in the kitchen getting all the snacks ready. Everything else is good to go, but you guys can help Hinata pick out songs…oh, and boys?"

"Yeah?" we asked simultaneously, looked at each other, then turned back.

"Try not to make the songs too gay," she said happily before prancing to the kitchen where Sakura was awaiting, laughing hysterically. Behind us, I could hear Hinata giggling quietly. Sasuke scowled back at them.

"You're mean!" I shouted after them, standing to shake my fist. Sasuke quickly stole my seat, the bastard.

"Why aren't you screaming 'I'm not gay' after them?" Sasuke asked, smirking up at me. I paused in my shaking of the fist, smacked him upside his head and sat promptly on his lap. He was too stunned to do anything. I was too eager to change the subject than to answer. Hinata was too busy trying to hide her giggles to give me an 'I-told-you-so' look. Pausing in though, I tapped my chin as I went through lists of songs in my head.

"I Touch Myself," I said, finally picking out a song with a good beat. A moment of heavily awkward silence. I began to rethink my choice in song.

"GAH-ah, hah!" Hinata managed out before she snorted and fell to the ground, laughing and rolling around. I myself was pushed out of my 'seat' as Sasuke clutched his abdomen, laughing so hard I couldn't hear anything but great gasps as he gulped in air. He was blushing pretty hard, too, but I guess that was from lack of oxygen. I pouted, blushing myself, and crossed my arms from my place on the floor.

"It's a song, you perverted idiots," I growled. Hinata grasped the seat of her chair and pulled herself up, and I too pushed myself up. But when I went to sit on Sasuke's lap, he pushed me away (even when I pouted at him). So I took the next available lap; Hinata's. She surprisingly didn't mind.

"God, Naru, where does all that ramen and fudge go? You're as light as Hanabi!" she exclaimed, positioning me to better her own comfort. Hanabi was her sister, a gymnast, and very light.

"Whatever, just look up the damn song," I pouted, crossing my arms again. She shrugged, and typed the title in at the search bar with little to no giggling this time. "The Maximes," I said when it looked like she was going to ask who sang it. It was a few seconds until the screen brought up the song I had suggested and Hinata clicked on the button to listen to a thirty second sampling to the song.

"_I want you and nobody else. When I think about you I touch myself…_"

Hinata paused to look between Sasuke (who had a far away look in his eyes) and me (I had kinda spaced out about obvious things and wouldn't be surprised if I were drooling) before giving me a thumbs up. "Great choice in song, Naru! Sasuke, you got any ideas?"

And thus, we found more songs for the party. Sasuke ended up picking some emo German songs, like something that translated into mid-night, and a few others. When I was consulted to suggest a song, I would always pick some of the more unknown songs, but were pretty neat too. Hinata picked rap songs, and other stuff like "Buy U a Drank." I honestly have no clue how to spell it.

"Chloe says that it's a rape song," she commented to us as the song downloaded. Ino had briefly popped her head into the living room to see how we were doing.

"Isn't that the girl who's always telling you to let loose your inner gangsta?" she asked. Hinata shook her head.

"No, you're thinking of Monica."

At fifteen minutes until one, Hinata said that she'd get a few more songs, but that Ino, Sakura, and I should scamper off to work like the good little cheese-and-cardboard-making bunnies we are. Ino and Sakura sadly agreed, but offered me a ride in Ino's car. I waved good bye to Sasuke, promising to see him later at the party, and followed Sakura and Ino out the door in the kitchen that connected to the garage. Once we were safely buckled in in Ino's car, she backed out of the garage and drive way. While she drove, Sakura turned in her seat to grin viciously at me.

"So what are you gonna wear?" she demanded, looking me up and down. I sighed and removed my shirt, showing her the cami; I also gestured at my pants.

"Oh that is hot!" she squealed, and I backed a little into the back of the seat. "Are you going to wear any jewelry?" I fingered the antique jewel necklace that baachan had given me. "Good…now, do you plan on wearing any make up?"

"WHAT?!" I demanded, my face crumpled in utter shock and or disgust.

"Some nice black eyeliner would accentuate your eyes nicely," Ino commented from behind the wheel. Sakura nodded.

"Of course we'd put it on you before the party and after work, not now," she assured me. A sense of doom weighed down on the bottom of my stomach like a rock.

Work was nothing special today. People came, people ordered, people ate, people left disgusted, people puked their guts out at home. We sat around bored, we pretended to be busy, we attempted to make something edible, we tried to look apologetic and ashamed, we laughed at the people behind their backs. Lee assured us all that tonight would be one of the most youthful ones in our lives. I laughed along with the others, but a foreboding sense of foreshadowing hid in one of the dark recesses in my mind, next to where I keep all the formulas in math I forget on the test, but remember when I'm eating Polish sausages. Wait… why are they called recesses? I thought recesses were the thirty minutes of freedom the little munchkins in elementary school got. Oh well. Kiba eyed my outfit critically for several moments before he looked up at me and nodded, grinning.

When it was time to leave (Chouji's dad let us get off thirty minutes early), Chouji and Kiba hopped into Lee's car (a bright green bug, no less) and Sakura and I piled back into Ino's car. Sakura sat in the back seat with me, and pulled out her purse from under the seat. I eyed it suspiciously. I had good reason. She rummaged around in it for a few moments before pulling out what looked like a pen and holding it victoriously. Her heroic pose done and over with, she began slowly advancing towards me (or as much as she could in a car). Suddenly, she tackled me, pinned my arms down with one of her hands, and sat down on my waist, effectively trapping my legs. I began trashing violently until she whacked me with her free hand.

"Oh, stop it Naruto," she scolded. "I realize that normally you would only allow Sasuke to share with you in this position, but bear with me a moment here, and maybe you two can do this a lot more, minus the clothes. Which reminds me," she turned to Ino. "Hey Ino, what goes in dry and hard and comes out wet and soft?"

"I don't know," Ino sighed, "what?"

"Bubble gum!"

"Shut it, and get your feminine torture over with!" I shouted, desperately trying to change the subject.

"All right, all right, Mr. Whiny-Pants," Sakura said, and bent over me, taking the cap off the eyeliner with her mouth. She spit it amazingly back into her purse. "Okay, Naruto, stay absolutely still and don't blink. Ino, avoid as many bumps as possible or we won't be seeing any hot make out action between two sexually frustrated teenagers."

"Who, you and Lee?" she asked smugly, but kept her eyes on the road.

Sakura slowly lowered the eyeliner pen to my left lower lid, and put some pressure, drawing the pen across the ledge of my lid. I tried very hard not to link, and succeeded, but barely. She went back and added more eyeliner to the far corner of my eye, and did the same to my right. Once she was done, she sat up straight, and eyed me before turning to the front seat.

"Success!" she shouted. She grasped her purse and put the eyeliner away before pulling out a hand mirror and handing it to me. I looked in and was pleasantly surprised. My eyes _were_ nicely accentuated by the black eyeliner. No way I'd let her know that, of course.

"Thanks, I guess," I said grudgingly. Sakura smiled, and got off me.

"You're welcome, my little Sasuke-luster," she replied happily. Before I could retort, however, Ino pulled up in a driveway that wasn't hers,

"You have ten minutes," Ino said, turning around to look at Sakura. She nodded cheerfully and hopped out of the car, skipping into the front door. The ten minutes passed rather quickly when Sakura sashayed out of her house, dressed in a long brown strapless shirt with dark floral designs and tight light blue jeans. It all went quite lovely-y with her hair.

"Nice," I said as she slid in.

"Thank you," she replied. Ino backed out and continued on to her own house. When we pulled up and parked, there were already two other cars, including Lee's bright green one and a police car. Wait…police car?

Ino must have seen my distress because she automatically said, "Oh don't worry about them. They claim they're chaperones, but really they're just there to leech off our booze."

"Reassuring," I mumbled before getting out of my side of the car. I walked up to the front door and let myself in. The first thing I saw was a massive amount of green.

"OH, SUCH A YOUTHFUL YOUNG LADY! YOU ARE THE EPITOME OF THE SPRINGTIME OF YOUTH!" I was suddenly caught up in an overenthusiastic hug.

"Rape!" I managed to squeak out before someone managed to pull the Massive Green Thing off.

"No, no, Gai-sensei!" Lee said, reprimanding the Massive Green Thing that happened to be in an officer outfit. "That is not a young lady!"

"Lee! Do not question your sensei!" Oh, so this was the Gai-sensei that Lee was always copying?

"Osu, Gai-sensei!" Wow. Such bonding.

"Lee!" I wonder if Sakura is jealous.

"Gai-sensei!" Where's Sasuke?

"Lee!" I'm too sexy for my shirt…

"Gai-sensei!" They need more variety.

"Naruto!" Hinata said, popping up from behind Lee and Gai. I grinned a very vulpine grin.

"Hinata!" I replied, happy to be included in the shouting of other people's names.

"Kakashi?" came Sasuke's voice. I turned to see him at the door staring questioningly at the other officer, a man who had a good two third of his face covered and had silver hair sticking out everywhere.

"Sasuke," the officer replied politely, never once looking up from his little orange book.

"Kiba?" another voice sounded at the door, a quiet one that I had never heard before.

"Shino!" replied Kiba in a very Fangirl-esque voice before glomping the boy at the door.

"TenTen!" shouted Sakura, who had magically appeared in the house, pointing at a girl in the door.

"Sakura!" the girl shouted back, rushing in.

"Ino!" shouted Temari, who materialized in the door, dragging with her three very unwilling boys, one known to me, the other two unknown.

"Temari!" Ino squealed, leading her friend in.

"Shikamaru!" Chouji explained, addressing his best friend who was in the clutches of his girlfriend.

"Che, troublesome," he replied lazily, breaking the chain of introductions. All who had participated eagerly (me included) groaned at his lack of enthusiasm.

"Well, now that we've all been introduced—" Ino began, but was cut off by the oldest guy in Temari's clutches.

"I wasn't, and neither has he…" He pointed at the other guy, a redhead.

"Who do you think I am, your preschool teacher? Introduce yourselves!" she shouted back, causing the squeaker to reel back, slightly shocked. "Anyway, now that a great deal of people have magically shown up at the same time, let's get the party started! I'm no tour guide, so find food and drinks yourselves. It's in the kitchen. DJ, kick us out some tunes!" A pause; no music. "DJ? Hinata!"

"Oh!" She broke eye contact with the oldest boy Temari had dragged in and seated herself behind the computer in a corner of the room; soon enough, loud music began blasting through the house, and people were moving about, mingling, gossiping, socializing, swaying randomly to the music. I saw Ino turn to the police officer Sasuke had addressed as Kakashi.

"More people will be coming, so just let them in. Of course, don't go against your good judgment and talk to me if you see any suspiciousness, okay?" she asked the officer, and seemed to be satisfied even though he hadn't responded. "And Kakashi? Suspiciousness does not include people eating each other's faces off, okay?" The officer immediately brightened.

"You mean people will do that here?" he asked gleefully. Ino cast a smug glance at me.

"For certain," she replied to the officer's delight. I groaned and went away. Nothing to elaborate on there. I went…away! It sounds so mysterious when you pause and enunciate in the correct places. I…_went_ away! I…went_ away!_ _I_…went away! You get the idea.

"Why hullo there, poor unsuspecting victim who I wish to rape," said someone behind me and I grinned. I turned around to face (a very sexy) Sasuke wearing ripped blue jeans and a casual blue polo, the top buttons…unbuttoned.

"And greetings to you, malevolent stalker who I wouldn't mind raping me," I replied with my normal cheerfulness. For a brief second Sasuke seemed to look at me as if he were trying to say, No you fucking idiot, I am not kidding about this. Or maybe it was just me. Either or, I ignored it, being the oh-so-smart person I was.

Sasuke handed me one of the two bottles he held in his hand. I looked at it. I sniffed it. I bathed it. I dated it. I read it. "'Mike's Hard Lemonade.' Hey Sasuke, why is the lemonade aroused?" Sasuke, being the every caring friend he is, ignored me, and instead popped the lid off both the bottles, motioning for me to drink it.

Which I of course did. It was good. It made me feel happy. Yay.

After a couple a really nice bottles of the very good lemonade (and maybe two hours, give or take fifteen minutes), and some very random rambling which I swear was not caused by the nice lemonade ("_Sasuke, remember to always say please and thank you to the cats or they shall devour your flesh in the wee hours of the morning and feel no remorse_." "_IS THAT CLARISSE?! Oh, no, 'tis but a mere rock._") Sasuke and I eventually found ourselves standing by the DJ (Hinata) and trying to think of a song to request. She was dressed extremely casually (like, to a fault) in a small tube top with palm trees and a sunset printed on it and pants that were at least three sizes too big for her. Suddenly, Sasuke snapped his fingers as if an idea had come to him.

"Got Rice, Bitch?" he said, and I looked at him, appalled. How dare he speak to Hinata in such a way, even if it was sexy as hell? I looked at Hinata, to see her reaction. Surprisingly, she was grinning like a mad woman.

"You got it, cuz," she replied, referring to their loose family ties with each other. She clicked a few things on the computer, and we waited for the beginning of the song. My first impression was that it was rap. My impression by the beginning of the second verse was inferiority.

"_Got rice, bitch? Got rice? Got food, got soup, got spice_?"

Wow. _Someone was bit-ter!_

"Shash-kay!" I lisped-whined, tugging at his arm. "This song is making me feel inferior!" I, having the incredible timing that I did, said that just as the song ended.

Sasuke would have replied, but I immediately shushed him, noticing that Hinata was interacting with a male…and blushing! It was the oldest guy that Temari had dragged in. He looked weird. What type of guy wears _make-up_? Seriously…

"Honestly," the guy was saying (yes, I am an eavesdropper, but Hinata had inserted herself in my lovelife, therefore I was allowed to insert myself in hers), "sometimes I feel like I'm the only person in my house who doesn't like boys like that."

"Really?" Hinata asked over the computer, her chin in her hands.

"Yeah. Ya know Temari, what with her boyfriend being male and all," he said lamely, a bit flustered (good, good; can't have Nata falling for a badass). "And then my younger brother, Gaara—he's the short redhead making out with the guy with the freakishly long hair over there—"

Feeling the need to see who the Gaara fellow's lover was, I turned to look at who the brown haired guy was pointing at. I was shocked, to say the least.

"Hey, Nata," I said, drawing the girl's attention away from the teen's eyes. "Isn't that guy with the freakishly long hair your sister's father's brother's son?"

Immediately catching on, Hinata snapped her gaze away from the boy to look at who the redhead was making out with. Sasuke too caught up with my lemonade-ed (I was not drunk, dammit!) slander and nearly popped his head from his neck when he turned abruptly to look at the two boys.

"The fucker!" he growled under his breath, and started to stalk towards the Hypocritical-One (Neji's name shall not be mention...ed…oh, damn, I said it!) with a killer intent in his aura. I was scared, and turned to Hinata for help.

"One sec, Kankuro," she addressed the teen, hastily getting out of her seat at the computer, "I must either go save your brother's boyfriend (also known as my cousin), or go cheer Sasuke on."

"All right?" he replied, more than a bit confused. Hinata and I cautiously followed Mr. Death-And-Sex-On-Wheels-I-Mean-Legs-And-Dammit-I'm-Not-Drunk to make sure he didn't do anything that the rest of us would regret (seeing as Sasuke himself would probably feel pretty damn proud). Once we got over to the…other side…of the room (which took an infuriatingly long amount of time due to teenagers in various states of drunkenness (I am not drunk)) we saw Sasuke standing oh-too-politely a couple of feet away from the two boys who apparently needed no air.

"Ahem," he cleared his throat oh-too-politely, gaining the attention of the Hypocritical-One and the Hypocritical-One's lover (who does not yet deserve to have a capitalized code name).

"Why Sasuke!" Hypocritical-One said in what could only be described as mocking surprise. Yes. Not mock surprise, but mocking surprise. Because it was obvious the Hypocritical-One was mocking my beloved Sasuke. "What a pleasant surprise!"

"Oh, yes, pleasant!" Sasuke replied in a strained voice. Hypocritical-One's lover had edged away to a rather safe distance and I went to stand beside him.

"You do realize that he is known to cheat?" I commented idly. He gave the slightest impression of a shrug.

"I've been with him for two years," he said stoically, his green eyes relaying boredom. "If I'd have minded, I'd have left him. He has his reasons. I don't mind."

"Ah," was my oh-so-clever response. I stood in silence with Gaara (who I had deemed worthy of being called by his own name) for a few moments watching the UNfriendly banter between my current love interest, and my current love interest's ex-love interest. Or was Hypocritical-One even Sasuke's love interest to begin with? I shall never know…

"You know, you were never even my love interest to begin with."

Oh. Well. That's quite an encouraging thought… What does phantasmagoria mean, I wonder? A shifting series of phantasms, illusions, or deceptive appearances, as in a dream or as created by the imagination? You don't say?

…I honestly don't think I've had enough aroused lemonade. I looked over to where Ne—I mean Hypocritical-One and Sasuke were exchanging pleasantries. Nope, not nearly enough. Thus explains why I suddenly found myself walking—slowly—to the kitchen. Where the fridge was.

"Oh, Sasuke," came the oh-so-evil voice of the Hypocritical-One from behind me. "Better go get your ho before someone else does."

I just kept walking, ignoring the insult towards my virginity and pride (which, as I have mentioned, is killed, so I really should have said dignity) and toward poor Sasuke. However, I did a full one-eighty when I heard the dull sound of flesh punching flesh and the sound of a person stumbling back into the wall. What I saw made me do a giddy little dance in my head.

Sasuke, his fists clenched and shaking by his sides, stood panting heavily, a self-satisfied (if not down right smug) grin plastered across his face merely a couple feet away from the stunned Hypocritical-One, who was absently fingering tenderly at the bruise that was already beginning to form from where Sasuke had punched him. Go Sasuke!

Being absolutely clueless as to what to do now, I turned to glance at the two officers. Thankfully, the Massive Green Thing was lecturing a horrified Lee and Sakura about the 'benefits and consequences of the springtime of youth.' The other officer however…

"Sasuke! What the hell was that about?!" demanded the one known as Kakashi, as he hastily made his way over to Sasuke. I rushed to his side.

"You heard what that bitch called Naruto," he growled, turning to glare venomously at the Hypocritical-One, who was being helped to his feet by Gaara. I took a step closer to Sasuke, prepared to stick up for him if need be.

"Yes, but that was uncalled for—" the officer began but Sasuke cut him off.

"'Uncalled for'?" Sasuke repeated, giving a short bark of mirthless laughter. "Tell me what you would do if someone called Iruka a ho?"

"I'd give them hell," Kakashi said softly, the look in his visible eye an odd mixture of softness and hardness. You know, like, I love him so much I will kill all who insult him. Except Sasuke would never do anything like that, darn him!

"My point exactly," Sasuke replied, giving a rather fierce smirk. Kakashi sighed in defeat and then went on boredly lecturing Sasuke on how to never do that again. Something clicked in my mind, devising a very interesting plot. I decided to go along with it.

"Sasuke, when you said Iruka, you weren't by any chance talking about an Iruka Umino, were you?" I asked innocently, as we got ourselves another bottle of aroused lemonade.

"Ah, actually yes. Why?" he replied, already downing half his bottle. He was beginning to sway a little on his feet, and I was doing no better. In fact, I was so badly off balance, I had to lean on him a little. Not that I was complaining of course. And dammit, I'm not drunk.

"Because I have an uncle named Iruka Umino," I commented absently, taking another swig of the aroused lemonade. "But he lives in Kansas, so we couldn't possibly be talking about the same people."

"Unless there are two Iruka Uminos living in Kansas," Sasuke replied dryly.

"Does the Iruka you speak of live with his sister, brother-in-law, and two of his nephews and his only niece?" I asked.

"Amazingly, yes," Sasuke responded, a note of disbelief in his voice. I grinned. Do not fail me now, oh great plan-producing brain that only works when I'm—I'm not drunk, dammit!—drunk!

"Wow, small world, huh? So…what was Kakashi's relationship with my favorite uncle?"

Sasuke shrugged. "They were best friends…well, yeah, I guess they were. Iruka was always nagging Kakashi to stop being so perverted, and Kakashi was always telling Iruka to loosen up. Eventually, sometime in highschool, they hooked up."

"What happened after that?" I asked, quite entertained with being told a story.

"They had a happy relationship. Have. Iruka had to move to Kansas to help his sister take care of her kids. They still see each other all the time."

"Ah…" Now, to make sure my devious—drunken—plan works out perfectly. Kukuku. "Sasuke, what type of drunk are you?"

"I've been told I'm an affectionate drunk," he replied, and repressed a shudder. I grinned. Perfect.

"Really? People tell me that too. But I've also been told that I'm a logical drunk."

"How so?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. IT'S BLUNT TIME! Or rather, IT'S TIME TO BE BLUNT!

"Simple. You defended me from Hypocritical-One—thank you, by the way—and even punched him in his face. When Kakashi questioned your actions, you asked him what he would have done if the same thing had been said about Iruka. He said yes. Basically. And after finding out that Iruka is in fact Kakashi's lover, I have come to a perfectly logical conclusion…" I trailed off dramatically. It was now or never. Do or die. A wild gamble based on next to nothing. AND HELL YEAH I'M GONNA DO IT WITH NO HESITATION! …shoot, I'm hesitating.

"And the logical conclusion would be…?" Sasuke pressed, a hint of nervousness in his oh-so-sexy voice. I was tempted, somehow or another, to reply, 'That you're a duck,' but restrained myself. I drained the rest of the aroused lemonade and summoned my courage.

"That you love me as much as I love you!"

…

…

Thank you, Hinata. No, really: thank you. Because you clearly helped me loads by pausing the music right before I confessed/ accused.

Someone catcalled.

"WOULD YOU SHUT UP, KIBA? THEY'RE CLEARLY ABOUT TO REALIZE THAT THEIR SEEMINGLY UNREQUITED LOVE IS IN FACT REQUITED, AND WILL ENTERTAIN US ALL BY MAKING OUT AND BEING SEXIER THAN THEY WERE BEFORE!"

Thank. You. Kiba. And. Sakura. Remind me to include them in my will.

I looked at Sasuke, who seemed to be nervously surveying the room as if asking everyone 'Is it true?' Please, o Mr. Death-and-Sex-On-Legs, reply, 'Yes, Naruto, I love you so much and I want to fucking pound you into the mattress tonight.' Please!

"Yes, dammit, yes, Sasuke!" shouted, amazingly, Lee. I'm serious this time. "He did actually fuckin' confess to you at the same time as he accused you! In the name of youth, MAKE OUT WITH HIM!"

"YES!!!" shouted Sasuke victoriously, pumping his fist into the air.

Well. Lee shouting obscenities seemed to assure Sasuke that something good had happened to him. Why do I say that, you might ask? Because my best friend, my longest friend, my love interested, grabbed me by my shoulders and pressed his lips against mine.

I was in ecstasy. But that goes with out saying.

I moved my lips against his, trying to make it seem like I was doing it out of experience, not instinct. Because I was totally experienced. Oh yeah! Experienced Man, that's what people call me! Hey, what's he doing?

Sasuke had just opened his mouth and was licking my lower lip. Sasuke. Licking. My. Lower. Lip. Sexily! I moaned and he plunged his tongue into my mouth, taking advantage of the fact that my mouth was open. Meaning, he rubbed everything in my mouth from my canine teach to my tongue, which was shyly rubbing against his own. I slid my hands into his dark glossy hair, knotting it between my fingers, relishing in all its silky duck-ass-shaped glory. Sasuke removed his hands from my shoulders and slowly moved them down my body until they rested at the small of my back, gently fingering the waistband of my pants. I heard a dull thud come from the crowd of people surrounding us, but I ignored it, seeing as I was trying so hard not to giggle from the way Sasuke had moved his hand against my sides.

Then the mood was broken when I moved away so I could have breath to giggle. Sasuke gave an exasperated sigh, rolled his eyes, then muttered something like "Oh God, he IS a giggler…" I turned to glance around the room, my eyes finally settling on the shape of a body on the floor, surrounded by a puddle of blood.

"Ohmygawd! Who is that and who killed him in the living room with a rope?" I asked, stunned. Ino grinned at me from her position by Chouji.

"It's Shikamaru! You two killed him in the living room with a yaoi fest. He had this massive nosebleed when Sasuke started pulling at your pants and passed out!" she squealed. Wow. _Shikamaru_ did that? Whoa.

"Well, that's just fine and dandy, but Naruto and I must go now," Sasuke slurred, removing his hand from the waistband of my pants and instead gripping my forearm.

"We must?" I asked, hiccupping a little. He leaned down and whispered huskily in my ear, "We must." I shivered happily. "We must!"

---THE SHORTEST TIME SKIP IN THIS CHAPTER BECAUSE YOU ALL KNOW HOW THE AUTHOR-ESS LOSES HER MUSE OFTEN---

I soon found myself slammed against the wall Sasuke's mansion's entry way, Sasuke himself kissing the lights out of me, almost desperately. I, however, was not complaining. Far from it. I pressed my lips feverishly against his, allowing instinct—I mean experience, dammit!—to take over as I gripped his hair in my hands and rubbed my tongue against his, though it was clear Sasuke was domineering.

…yay!

Mmm…Sasuke tastes like coffee…wait…why does he taste like _coffee_ after drinking _aroused lemonade_? I shall never know—oh, God, he can do _that_ with his _tongue_?!

Moaning loudly, I pressed myself harder against Sasuke, eliciting a groan in response, our very prominent…problems…pushing against each other. He slipped his hands up my cami and I shivered in pleasure at how amazingly cool and…arousing…they were. Slowly, Sasuke began backing up, but did not release his hold on me, or my lips. I followed. We haphazardly made our way up the stairs to the second floor where his room was. We somehow managed to not kill ourselves while ascending. Amazing. And no, I am not talking about Sasuke doing such extraordinary things in my mouth with his tongue, however amazing that was.

Whether using magic or some other logic which I am not familiar with, I found myself abruptly in Sasuke's room, the door closed, and lying on my back on Sasuke's bed. Sasuke was straddling my hips with his knees, one of his hands up my cami the other clenching at the blankets near my head. Surprisingly, my left hand had worked its way up Sasuke's polo, while the other one was tangled in Sasuke's shockingly messy hair. Not that mine was in perfect order. Far from it.

We broke apart for a short time to catch our breath before I attacked his lips with my own, causing him to moan loudly, sending vibrations through my mouth and down my spine. I slipped my tongue into his mouth and ravished it, taking in all the detail I could. After a moment more, Sasuke retook control of the kiss.

Sasuke unglued his mouth from mine, and left handfuls of little kisses down my jawline and throat before finding a sensitive place at my pulse. He reattached that wonderful, talented mouth on it and—

"What the fuck?! You_ bit_ me!" I accused, my breathing coming fast, my eyes hazy in lust. Sasuke gave me a drunken smirk.

"It's called a hickey, dumbass. You know, love bite?"

"Oh…carry on, then."

"Gladly."

He soon got quite fed up with my cami, and I must admit that his polo was not in my My Circle of Friends. I began tugging at it, making it quite obvious that I wanted it _off_. Sasuke could say the same thing for the accursed (pronounced uh-curse-sed, because it's sexier) black cotton cami. Briefly detaching his mouth from my collar bone, he nearly ripped my shirt from me and tossed it unceremoniously to some unknown corner of his room, as I did the same to his polo.

Oh, the sexy expanse of sexily pure…sexiness! (Sex.) He promptly connected his mouth with my…ah…chest area, molesting it mercilessly. Not that I was begging for mercy of course.

"More, ahhhh, more, SasuKE!"

Well…clearly I wasn't begging for mercy.

Slowly but surely, Sasuke's mouth made its way down my stomach until he reached my pants' waistband. He placed his hands on the button and zipped, but stopped, looking at me for permission. Feeling my need grow, I nodded my head feverishly. His smiled softly as me, his dark eyes clouded over with lust as well. He pulled off my pants, and somehow managed to rid himself of his own. Staring hungrily at my boxers, he attacked my mouth again with his own, his hand slowly slipping—

_The setting suddenly changes, and the reader finds themselves in a brightly lit kitchen, which they remember seeing Itachi and Company in the previous day; however, unlike way back whenever that was, the large windows looked out onto darkness. After a quick survey of the kitchen—a less-than-shining sink sporting several dirty dishes, the average kitchen appliances one would normally find in a kitchen, a bright yellow paint job, several cabinets and drawers, and a glass cabinet tastefully displaying several beautifully crafted pieces of China—the reader notices a fresh glass of cream—where it had come from is irrelevant—sitting beside two cherries._

_A loud thud, accompanied by a drawn-out moan, from above causes the reader to briefly glance at the ceiling in curiosity before turning their attention to the berries and cream. The fact that the cherries are not berries at all is beyond the point. Another thud from above causes the glass of cream—very white cream—to vibrate a little, edging towards the lip of the counter._

"_Ah, Sasuke! Saaaaasukeeeeeeeeee…that tiiiiiiickllllllles!" giggles a very virgin sounding voice from above, and the reader briefly questions the gender of the giggler. "Eee-YAH!"_

"_Naruuu…Narutoo," moans another voice; however, the reader does not have to question the masculinity of this one. Another thud vibrated throughout the house, the glass of cream slowly moving its way to the counter's edge, the loud thuds moving it. The glass is merely centimeters from falling over the edge. The reader briefly considers saving it, but some invisible force stops them before they can._

"_Ah…ah…chocolate peanut butter fudge covered raMEHN!" shrieks the first voice, apparently moaning their favorite food, however…downright disgusting…it may be. The second voice responds in a groan._

"_Eh…eh…tomaTO-AH!" The reader raises an eyebrow and smirks quietly. The glass vibrates nearer to the edge after a resounding thud…one more thud should do it…_

"_Sasuke…Sasuke…harder…please…"_

_One, final thud reverberated throughout the house, causing the glass of cream to fall and shatter against the tiled floor, the white cream getting everywhere._

"_SasuKE-EE!" the vice shouts, obviously at its climax._

"_AH, NARUTO!" the manly voice from before groans out; he, too, sounded as if he reached his climax._

_Soon after, a silence reigns throughout the house, which is odd because don't four other people live here, too? Oh well. The reader smiles smugly and the setting changes once more, the sunny yellow kitchen shifting into a dark blue room, two exhausted figures draped across each other on the similarly colored bed in the far corner._

I was in pain, yes. Did I care? Let me ask my mind.

Blurble blurble SQUEE blurble.

No I did not care. I sighed in content and snuggled further against Sasuke, who in turn hugged me tighter with the arms around my waist. He was slowly drifting off, ever so often muttering random sentences that I didn't—

"Nuu, the cat stole my tomato and the frog...hogged my…snorkel…"

—even pay attention to. I too was slowly loosening my grasp on consciousness, but I didn't mind in the least.

Because I had my Sasuke sleeping next to me.

* * *

_After squeeing happily, the author-ess promptly dies, her fingers curling up and falling off. That was too fucking long._

_The author-ess has several interesting things to add to her list of things which shoot inspiration into her bloodstream when these things occur. The first would of course be eating feta cheese, followed by being racked (falling on the metal bar on your bike). The third would be…getting a sunburn. And finally, the fourth would HAVE to be falling partially through your ceiling. Yes. The author-ess did indeed fall partially through her ceiling. Only her leg though._

_So, here we have 12013 words, which took…a week and three days to write. Shit._

_Okay, so at the school, a friend of the author-ess is always telling her to open up to her Inner Gangsta. Yes, I know: weird. Word. If you have any questions or whatever, ask the author-ess in a review, kays?_

_All things that obviously do not belong to the author-ess…do not belong to the author-ess._

_And yes, that italicized bit near the end was an Orange, a substitution for a Lemon: as in, replace the scene with that of berries and cream._

_What to look for in the next chapter: the morning after, a smug Itachi, and a sappy incorporation of the title into the story._


	10. Life is Like a Toilet

Physically? I've had better mornings. Way better. With less pain. Ow.

Mentally and or emotionally? This takes the cake for the best mood I've ever woken up with, minus the grogginess. What? The grogginess is part of the package, babe.

So here I am, lying in bed (and in a very, _very_, comfy certain _someone's_ arms), and telling myself, stop being so smug. Actually, not really. I was thinking about how much a needed a shower. And a frappuccino, preferably vanilla bean. Yeah.

Now, you must understand: I never have frappuccinos. Never. So for me to be craving a frappuccino is a major ordeal, but then again…thinking about last night…I deserve it. After my shower, because I, for one, do not feel partial to be sticky the rest of the day. Just…ew. So…shower time! I leapt out of bed a little too spontaneously, and immediately regretted it. Why, you may ask?

Because my ass _fuckin' hurt_. No pun intended.

"Meep," I…meeped, for lack of better word, and hobbled away to gather some dark blue boxers from Sasuke's dresser, and picked up my own black cami. I think I'm getting rather attached to it; the fuckin' bastard who helped set me up with my best friend. As quietly as I could (in an attempt to not awaken Sasuke, who looked dead, he was that out of it) I limped over to the door, pushed it open, and made my way painfully down the hall to the bathroom. I turned the knobs to get the preferred temperature and stepped in.

Okay, time for a little educational lesson here. Sex is fun. Cleaning up after it is not. Sex is pleasurable. There are very few aspects of cleaning up that are erotic. Sex is something you want to do several times again before you die. Cleaning up after it is something you only do so you can have it again. Now that our little educational lesson is over, I will continue on with my shower. And such a nice shower it was. Very relaxing. Very…cleansing. Like, emotionally. Not really. More like physically. Cuz it removed the…icky stuff on my…well, you know…body parts… And the removal of the icky stuff made me happy.

Very happy indeed.

I lathered, rinsed, and repeated (two times, because three is not an even number) with nice vanilla-smelling shampoo, and just stood there under the pounding water (Sasuke's house always had nice water pressure) for a good five minutes before twirling the knobs to the right and effectively shutting the water off. I shivered from loss of warm water cascading in torrents down my body (such eloquent speech for whatever time it was in the morning!) and stepped out of the sliding door of the shower, tugging on the boxers and my cami. Yes, I am now referring to it as mine. Why? Maybe, because I was wearing it on the night of one of my firsts. Well, several of my firsts. First time, first time with a boy, first time with Sasuke, first time not with anybody but Sasuke, first time listening to Got Rice… Ah, yes, my logic; it frightens me, it is so accurate and logically reasonable!

Making my way painfully, but happily nonetheless, down the stairs, I skip-hobbled through the downstairs level, on my giddy-gay way to the kitchen, where I would devour what I damn well felt like devouring. As I passed through the living room, I noticed Tobi asleep on top of Deidara, a rather thick book on the ground looking as if it had fallen as the two fell asleep, the orange (not literally) man's hand still attached to the (CRAZY) blond man's arm. I briefly thought back to when Sasuke mentioned that they'd go at it like bunnies at night, then pondered how the gluing-of-the-hand-to-the-arm could affect their sex life.

"Kinky," I murmured out loud before continuing on. Onward! I passed the dining room, and was surprised to see Kisame sprawled out on top of the table, a small puddle of drool collecting on the surface beneath his open mouth. Beside his face was the same book that was by Deidara and Tobi; it appeared as it his was three-quarters of the way through. My attention span and hunger demanded that I hustle away into the kitchen before I was able to read the book's title.

When I did enter the kitchen, I was ever-so-slightly shocked to see Itachi sitting at the counter on one of the bar stools, his eyes hungrily roving down the page of the book; he was nearly done, I realized. I also realized he must have been up a while; he was surrounded by several empty Starbucks cups, and a few full. After a few moments I came to the conclusion that at the moment Itachi didn't care if llamas wearing fishnets they stole from him stampeded through the house, penguins barged in through the back door and demanded that he hand over his supply of Texas Pete, or if ten squirrels crashed through the windows and threatened to rape him if he didn't give them all Swedish foot massages, he was just that enamored with his book. So I happily skip-hobbled around the kitchen, trying to find something I wanted to eat. Then my eyes landed on possibly the bestest best thing in the world.

"Bread!" I sang, scooping up the loaf up in my arms, and twirling it around, or as much as I could with a limp. A song tune came to mind, as did a thought-train, and I followed it. "Bread, magical bread! Bread, bready-bread-bread bread!" I sang loudly and rather-off key to the tune of Food Glorious Food.

"WOULD YOU SHUT UP?!" Itachi yelled, his already red eyes seeming extra red as he glared at me with much hatred, snapping me abruptly out of my bread-induced reverie. "_SOMEONE_ HERE IS _TRYING _TO FIND OUT IF HARRY DIES!"

"Well so-orry!" I mocked, doing my best impression of a valley girl and, scarily enough, doing an excellent job of it. I pranced over to the wall calendar, seemingly randomly. Well, not seemingly; entirely. Entirely randomly. I pranced over to the wall calendar _entirely_ randomly. So ha.

"It is the twenty-first!" I announced, swinging the bag of bread as I skip-hobble-prance-limped over to the table, and set down my bread. I read the package label and smiled gleefully; it was white. I loved white. I forgot if I mentioned this before, but I am in no way racist based solely on my chocolate, ice cream, bread, and cake preferences. No wait, I'm pretty sure I have. Oh well. I happily munched away on a piece of bread. I reminded myself of a hamster. A happy hamster. A happy hamster that just got laid. Except I couldn't fit a lot of stuff in my cheeks. I know. I've tried. Sadly I only got to fourteen grapes. Sakura could get up to eighteen jumbo marshmallows.

A loud snap—which sounded _extremely_ similar to that of a book being closed forcefully due to extreme disappointment in the ending—brought me back to the real world. I turned to look at Itachi, who appeared to have forcefully closed the book due to him extreme disappointment in the ending. He sniffed and wiped a few tears off his face.

"All my years, faithfully shipping them, and they don't even work out in the end! I mean, I would have understood if one of them had died, but noo-oo, they had to go and not get together and be—and be—and be straight!" he whined, crossing his arms and pouting, looking extremely childish in his footy pajamas (how he got them in his size, I'd rather not find out) with the pink penguins on them. I sighed and faced him, a mock pity look on my face.

"Did Ron and Draco not work out?" I asked, still mocking pity.

"They were so canon, too!" he cried. I rolled my eyes.

"So I take it you were at the book release party last night? You, Kisame, Deidara, and Tobi?"

"Well, Deidara didn't want to, but Tobi did, and since they were glued together and all…" he trailed off purposely. He looked at the book, then up at me. Suddenly his face brightened. "I will tell unto you all the deep dark secrets of the book!" he squealed in joy. My face turned to one of utter horror. I clapped my hands onto my ears.

"NU! Nu spoileries for Naruuu!" I wailed, rocking back and forth, as if to ward away all rumors to the newest book.

"'Nu'?" he repeated, confused. "'Spoileries'?" he questioned, bemused. "'Naruuu'?" he asked, amused. I was getting sick of all the words ending in -oozed. Please note that it only sounds like oozed, but is not spelled like it.

"Oh shush, you smug person, you," I reprimanded, not at all heart-felt, and turned my attention back to the bread, which truly deserved it. I could feel Itachi giving a combination of a pout and a smug look behind me.

"That's not a very nice thing to say to someone who has an extra—" he brandished one of the Starbuck's cups in front of my face, "—vanilla bean frappuccino!"

I gasped. "You manipulative bastard!"

"Profanity," he chastised, poking me in forehead; I squealed in protest and slapped his hand away before reaching desperately for the frappuccino. He chuckled, and held it just out of my reach. "No, no, Naru-kun, not until you tell me what happened between you and my darling little brother last night. Now don't give me that look, it's merely a woman's intuition."

"You do realize you're not a girl right?"

"Same concept applies for older brothers," he shrugged. "Plus your limp was a dead giveaway."

"I thought as much," I replied, shocking him by my lack of indignity, and snatching the frappuccino goodness out of his grasp. "For you see, my dear, dear soon-to-be sister-I MEAN BROTHER-in law, I am in a particularly good mood this morning, as you can see. Now please leave me alone with my bread, and my frappuccino."

Itachi paused a moment, letting the implied information sink in, because grinning gleefully, and skipping off in a very sleep-deprived fashion, but not before calling out, "Kays!"

He is so gay.

Like totally.

I daintily stirred the frappuccino, before picking it up and sipping, my pinky extended.

Totally gay.

Now…what to do now?

What to do, what to do…

What.

To.

Do.

Lalala, so bored.

Soo-ooo bored.

Pronounced bor-red.

Because it's much awesome sounding.

Like cursed.

Cur-sed.

Accursed.

UH-cur-sed.

Yeah.

Damn, where was Sasuke when you need him?

"Urg, my head!"

There he was!

"Sasuke!" I cried happily, swiveling around in my seat, the frappuccino cup still in grasp. My grin was so bright, it could have blinded a vampire! No, wait…that's not what I meant… "You're up!"

"Yeah," he moaned, sitting down at the seat that was so recently occupied by his older brother, wearing only a pair of boxers. He clutched his head. "Ugg…what happened last night?"

I felt my grin falter. Please don't tell me… "You mean you don't remember?"

He looked at me quizzically. "What was I supposed to?"

…

_Ka-splat_.

"Ah! Naruto, would you watch it?! You just got your frap all over he floor and my feet! What were you thinking?!" His words were just a blurred background noise to me. How could he? _How could he_?! The best night of my pitifully short life, all but forgotten to him!? I swear if I turn emo and suicidal, and start cutting myself, I will blame him in my suicide note. I will, dammit. There it'll be, scrawled across the paper in blood, '_If anyone asks why, I blame Sasuke-Fucking-Uchiha, who gave me the best night of my life, then forgot about it the morning after. But really, Sasuke: thank you. Now I know better_.' This will be slightly ironic, seeing as that is so long, I will probably have bled to death by the time I finish writing it. Oh, darn you, irony!

But wait. I am getting off topic.

I got up out of my chair, and turned to Sasuke, who had stopped ranting about the spilled iced coffee. I narrowed my eyes, and turned my back on him, heading for the back door, purposefully over exaggerating my limp. I paused to speak without turning to him. "Try thinking about it real hard." Then I walked out on him, slamming the door behind myself, perfectly happy to be walking out of his life at the moment.

Then I walked back into it, grabbed the bread with a mumbled, "Forgot the bread," and exited once more.

Feeling no undeniable need or wan to go back home, I plopped down onto the top steps of the deck, and regretted it immediately; for I had a sore ass, and, as is implied, sore asses are assuredly sore. I wasn't crying. I knew I would eventually, I just…wasn't, now. Tsunade-baachan had always said that when it came to these sorts of issues (those which caused great sorrow) I tended to become fairly stoic. Judging by my reactions thus far, I'd say I have to agree with her.

I had sat on the steps for about five…or three…minutes before I heard the door open slowly, as if the opener of the door was hesitant to approach; if that was the case, then the opener had damn well get his ass out and do something, or go back in to do whatever he had been doing before. I didn't look up when I felt someone's presence behind me. I didn't flinch when the same person sat beside me.

"Naruto?" I heard him ask quietly; his voice wavered and cracked. Throughout puberty, Sasuke's voice cracked only once.

I still didn't acknowledge him. Only when he reached towards me did I scoot as far away as I could, clutching the bread to my chest tightly, pressing against the railing. "Don't touch me," I hissed. "Or my bread," I added as an afterthought. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Sasuke's fingers drop uselessly to the wooden planks that made up the deck. The were trembling, and alternated between slightly clenching and releasing.

After a seemingly endless period of silence, Sasuke sighed, and brought his hand to rest in his lap. "You probably hate me right now." I laughed mirthlessly.

"Stop giving yourself so much credit," I said softly, noticing Sasuke flinch. I sighed, and further crushed the bread. "I kinda wish it were that simple."

"Life is a toilet," he said suddenly, causing me to look up at him. He stared out over the vast amount of land (not really, it was only one or two acres) the Uchiha family had chosen to bestow their great smexiness upon.

"Why, because it has so much shit in it?" I asked. He laughed a little bit.

"Well, that, and it's when you drop your favorite toy in there, and flush the toilet, wanting to give the toy a little ride; taking a chance. The key is you have to pull out the toy before it's swept away to the sewage."

"But what if the toy is too big gets stuck in the pipes?"

"Then you get an emotional back up, or something, and I don't know!" He flopped backwards onto the deck, never mind the fact that he was naked from the waist up, and pressed his palms against his eyes. I frowned at him.

"So basically you're saying that we threw our friendship into the toilet to take a chance and go for a little fun ride, rode it out a little too long and it's getting close to the bottom?" He removed his left palm to stare sorrowfully back at me.

"If it isn't already through the pipes," he said in that hopeful, uplifting, optimistic manner of his. Note sarcasm.

We sat in silence for another tension-filled moment before I ventured to speak. "Do you think it's too late to save it?"

He smiled hopefully up at me.

**-The Author-ess Deems This an Appropriate Time for a Time Skip and to Beg for Mercy-**

The next day found us seated at the same booth we did only a week ago (was it only that long ago?), munching on various fast food shit. I wore the black cami, and some borrowed pants of Sasuke's. He wore a high-collared dark blue tee, and off-white khaki pants. His dark, almost blue, blue was spiked up in the back, much akin to that of a duck's arse. My blond hair was messy as usual, and needed to be cut, as it hung in my eyes and would not stay out whenever brushed it to the side. Not much had changed since a week ago.

Except for the fact that we had been late for the breakfast, and had to get something off the lunch menu.

Oh yeah: we were officially dating.

But really other than that nothing had changed.

In fact, if you asked Sakura, she'd say that things had gone back to normal, if anything else. She had finally given into Lee's pestering, and had to agree on a date. Hinata had set up a date with that Kankuro fellow she met at the party. And Hypocritical-One and Gaara were off doing who the hell cares.

And to think I learned all that from one text message.

I popped the last chicken nugget into my mouth, chewed, and swallowed, mewing happily. Sasuke gave me a gentle smile, his eyes already at half-mast, before he leaned forward and capture my lips with his own in a tantalizingly slow kiss. It was easily the sweetest one yet.

You must be thinking, Gee this guy sounds like such a girl.

Well you know what?

Romantic thoughts are not only for girls.

For that matter, neither are camis.

Camis are not only for girls either.

So ha.

**-Is This The End? No, Dear Readers, for There are Two More Epilogues Yet! The Author-ess Exclaims Gleefully-**

"Hello Sasuke," a boy with long dark hair and distinctly feminine features greeted, his eyes turned up as he grinned gently at us as he approached us in homeroom. "Hello Naruto."

"Hi, Haku!" I exclaimed, not in the least over eager. No siree. "How was your week off?"

"Oh, wonderful," he replied dreamily. I grinned full force.

"'Dja manage to wrap the quarterback around your little finger?" I asked, referring to Zabuza, the senior quarterback, and the only reason Haku attended football games. Haku blushed a slight shade of red, but managed to keep the grin on his face rather small.

"Yup," he said, trying his very best to keep the pride out of his voice, and failing. But the kid gets credit for trying. He then shook his head a little and returned his attention to us. "I'm sorry. I've been hogging all the focus. What kept you two busy this past week?"

"Nothing much," Sasuke responded in a monotone, before I could say anything. I pouted at him. He turned off his pout-radar, and ignored me.

"Oh, come now," Haku reprimanded, and I couldn't help myself; I began laughing hysterically. Haku stared at me for a moment before looking to Sasuke, worried. "Is this normal?"

Sasuke sighed. "Sadly, yes." I, meanwhile, was still laughing.

"Y-you said, you s-said," I stuttered, trying to control my giggling, but failing miserably. Taking one large gasp, I was able to force out, "Y-you s-said C-COME!" And then I collapsed in another fit of wild guffaws.

Haku tittered a little, as much as he would allow himself (because deep down, we all knew he was a far worse pervert that Sakura and Sasuke merged into one giant perverted beast named Steve), before hiding his giggles behind a delicate hand. Sasuke gripped my arm and jerked me up, slapping me upside the head once I was stabilized.

"Ow," I whined clutching my head.

"Oh, shush," Sasuke chided. Haku giggled softly before commenting,

"You two act like an old married couple."

I gaped while Sasuke began, sardonically, "Funny you should mention that—" But I abruptly cut off Sasuke's dry comment with my own shocked exclamation.

"How in hell, have you not heard about us?! And in a school like this?! With a student like Sakura?!"

Haku smiled. "So it is true!"

"Eh…?" I was bemused.

"There were rumors flying through the air like mosquitoes this morning, and I needed to find out if they were true," the feminine boy admitted, having the grace to look at least a little sheepish.

"O…kay."

The bell rang, signaling that all supposed bad boys who secretly did not have the guts to skip class had better haul ass and get to homeroom that moment, and the kids in our class mulled about before finding a seat and getting out the required materials for the class.

The teacher walked in, not one of my favorites by a long shot, and stood in front of the class, pushing his dark round glasses farther up his nose. "Though you just got back from a break after your end of the year finals, do not think that you're going to be let off that easy. Now, open your textbooks to page three hundred thirteen. Feudalism. Please copy what I write on the board into your notes. A serf…"

And thus I was lulled away into one of my Sasuke-filled daydreams.

Except this time, there was a fairly good chance that this one would repeated in real life…

Well, maybe not the ninjas one…that one's just plain silly! Kinky and hot (shurikens and kunai, tee-hee) but silly nonetheless.

* * *

_The author-ess shields herself from flying fruit that is aimed at her from the reviewers. She truly is sorry she was a lazy ass and didn't write anything for three weeks, but things came up, and she was forced to put stuff like this aside while she, sadly, dealt with real life. One of those things was the death (cough, murder) of her aunt's new ten-week old Maltese puppy. The author-ess' dad's dog got him. GOT him, dammit Clem! Not DEVOURED. And, sickeningly enough, the author-ess was present when it happened. She would rather not relive it by typing up the details (plus she'd have to up the rating), so let's just say she had to flee the room screaming hysterically and had to take a shower._

_Another thing that deterred her from the writing of this would have to be the book release party of Harry Potter. She just HAD to read it. She finished it the Monday after it came out._

_Okays, so the author-ess stayed up later than usual finishing this. You people better like it. See the part up near the top that says, _Now that our little sex education lesson is over,_ that was wear she was when she started earlier last night (for it is now six in the morning)._

_The author-ess racks her brain desperately for something else to say so this will be four thousand words long. Oh yes. The author-ess has somehow talked herself f into ScorpiusxHugo, so she'll probably write one of those, maybe another Zemyx, and she NEEDS to get a SasuNaru comfort/hurt/friendship/romance thing out of her system, so don't be too worried if CANOFG doesn't get a new chapter for a while._

_Well waddaya know, the author-ess reached the double digits. Except she expects this to be over in one more chapter. Will Neji make a malicious reappearance?! Only the author-ess knows until then._

_Yeah. The author-ess is extremely lazy, as you all should know, and doesn't feel like checking for grammar issues. Enjoy figuring it out on your own! Sorry!_

"_The thing I like most about being a writer is that if you read a book or story with an ending you can't stand, you have the courage to write your own," the author-ess muses before passing out. A blanket, seemingly out of nowhere, floats down and covers her body. Much log sawing action befalls the author-ess._


	11. Epilogue De Furst

I'm pretty sure I cried myself to sleep last night. The last thing I remembered was sobbing uncontrollably into my pillow, and when I woke up this morning my pillow was soaked through. Then again, that could just be my drool; I was known to drool like a garden hose turning on full power when I'm asleep. But be that as it may, I could still distinctly smell the saltiness of tears in the cotton. And my eyes were red and swollen when I woke up. Or maybe it was because I stayed up too late…

Whatever, I'm still pretty darn sure I cried myself to sleep.

And not just quiet sniffles, either. Like, loud gasping sobs complete with the annoying snot-running-out-your-nose factor. Ew. At one point the next-door neighbors called and demanded to know if they should call the police…or whatever… Tsunade-baachan assured them that all was well. ("What the fuck do you care?! You couldn't give a damn if he was being devoured by pi-fucking-ranhas!") But I was still crying.

Cause you see, I was up late reading some well written stories (I wasn't looking for ideas between Sasuke and I, honest!) on this website, and I was reading some stuff for this video game, Kingdom Hearts. There was this one where Sora and Riku were in the hospital, and…but anyway, Sora ended up DYING! And I just burst into tears, and crawled into a ball on my bed (but not before closing out the window and shutting my computer off and placing it on the floor by my bed) and…did whatever I did before I fell asleep.

…no, I am not a sissy.

Seriously!

_You_ would've cried too!

…

…

…

I sighed, flopping my head down (painfully) onto the desk I was slumped behind. I really ought to stop talking to random people in my head. 'Tis not good for me health, methinks.

"Mr. Uzumaki, I realize that it is the last day of this school year, but it would make me feels so much better if you would exert just a tiny bit of energy and _actually listen to what I have to say_."

I yawned, and looked up at the teacher, careful to support a dull, glazed look in my eye, supporting the ever existent "I really wish I weren't here right now" button prominently on my non-existent vest. …Damn, I need to stop watching the yellow square _singing_ thing with Sasuke (and he had the audacity to claim that the yellow thing and I had similarities…!)… That beside the point, I do not feel the need to point out that I enjoyed pissing off teachers immensely.

The teacher sighed, rolling her crimson colored eyes that would've looked damn freaky if it were anyone else, pushing one hand through her long dark wavy hair, the other placed on her hip. "You're so damn lucky I've already printed out the report cards, or you would so get a zero for the day." Several students snickered at her blatant use of profanity, but I merely blinked slowly at her. She blinked back before throwing her arms in the air in mock frustration. "Okay, seeing as _some of us_ are unwilling to participate in _actually listening to authority_, I hereby announce the rest of the class to be spent doing whatever the hell you want. But I ask of you to please not reach beyond the noise level of a jet engine."

Oh, there she goes, trying to confuse us all with her fancy-shmancy long words. Little does she know…I have no clue what she just said.

So for the rest of that class period, me and the other little juvenile delinquents happily caused orderly mayhem while Ms. Kurenai sat boredly at her desk, reading something that looked suspiciously like a gay manga I saw at Barnes and Nobles recently. Wow, who knew that she had a gay fetish?

Sasuke happened to be in the _honors _English class, and was therefore not in this class with me, leaving poor ole' Naruto unhappy and alone and…and…and…

Bored.

Extremely.

And it gave me nothing to _doooooooooo_.

Except maybe sleep, gossip, or further socialize with my friends, but I don't really _feel like it_ at the moment. Well, the gossiping and socializing; I'm nearly always up for sleeping (unless Sasuke suddenly decides that he wants to have a hot make out session…which hasn't happened yet. He keeps says, "I want to take it slow, Naruto." And that makes absolutely no sense to me because, _hello, _our sexual relationship because we got _wasted and slept with each other_. I really don't think there's any way to take the relationship further, so what's there to take slow? Gosh, sometimes that adorable little bastard is so confusing!).

So laid my head on the desk with the perfectly respectable expectation to go to sleep until the bell, but something stopped me. Rather, someone. Someone annoying. Someone…that I didn't even know really.

"Hey thar lover-boy!" sang out the one and only Kiba as he catapulted from his seat to my desk, landing on what I had, a second ago, been laying my head on, instantaneously breaking Class Room Rule Number 21, No booties on the table. Class Room Rule Number 21 was just after Class Room Rule Number 20, No drawing in class, and just before Class Room Rule Number 22, No humming or making any other distracting noises.

"Kiba, we're in _English_ class, so shouldn't you actually attempt to use proper grammar and words that actually exist?" I asked, poking his stomach a little causing him to lean backwards precariously and flail his arms around like a large uncoordinated flightless bird. Like an emo. I mean emu. Once he had regained his balance, he grinned at me, showing the canines that he so _obviously_ had filed down, and rumpled my messy blond hair. I swatted at his hands, and made…this really…weird…sound…that I don't even know how to describe.

"Oh, silly Naru-uke, the teacher is not teachering, so I dun care what I pronounce wrong, say in the incorrect order, or blatantly kill grammatically," he announced.

"Wow, those sure are some long words. Has your brain melted down yet from the overuse?"

"Hardee har har." He sat in silence for a moment, idly kicking his feet over the edge of my desk, before suddenly perking up. "Oh yeah! I came over here to tell you something!"

"You did, did you?"

"Shut up and listen, blondie! Anyway, like Saturday night, Shino went out and rented that Will Ferral movie for me 'cuz I was still recuperating—don't give me that look, I know what it means—and got some popcorn. But anyway it was called, like, Blades of Glory, or something, and it was so fucking funny! You and Sasuke should so totally see it! I mean, it was kind of a put off that the cute blond ended up getting a girlfriend when he was so brilliantly flaming, but I mean whatever, there were enough sexual innuendoes in there for me. It's like, halfway through the first part of the movie, Shino leans over and points at Jimmy and whispers to me, 'He is _such_ a fag' in this really awful gay lisp, you know, like the stereotypical gay guy lisp, and I just burst out laughing, and Hana was screaming at us to shut up, but we couldn't because it was just so funny and-and-and NORTH KOREA!"

At this point Kiba had fallen off the desk he was laughing so hysterically, and a good portion of the class was looking at him warily; it was quite likely he had rabies, after all. Abruptly, he stopped laughing, and shot up to his feet. The rest of the classroom watched in anticipation. Then he opened he mouth and—

"Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your junk? I'm gonna getchu, getchu drunk, getchu drunk off my lady humps!"

"OH DEAR LORD MY EARS! THEY BURN!"

**-XxX(yay)z(yay)XxX-**

Art! Yay art! Oh wondrous, joyful art!

Too bad I can't draw worth a damn.

Yeah that pretty much sucks.

Well I mean people are always coming up to me and yelling in my ear, "Oh mah Gawd, Naruto! You are such a good artist! I wish I could draw as well as you! How did you learn?!" And I'm always going, "No I'm not! I'm horrible! I suck at realism! Shut up and go away!" But then they **don't **and it's just _so_ annoying!

However, it's completely different when Sasuke says stuff like that, because then I'd flutter my eyelashes, and ask in a hopeful voice, "You really think so, Sasuke? I think your pictures are much better though," even though we both know mine are better than his.

With it being the last day of school and all, me and the other art students were going through the containers of markers, throwing away the dried out and crusty ones, and trying to guess the color of the really messed up ones. Sakura was in this class with me, so she helped.

"I say this is blue."

"You blond idiot! It's clearly yellow!"

"Well, Miss Herbal Essence, how about you prove that it's yellow!"

"Well, how about I do, Mr Sheer Blond!"

"Are you insinuating that I dye my hair?!"

"And what if I am?"

"Oh no you di-n't!"

"Oh yes I di-d!"

"Well bring it on Pinky!"

"OH IT'S BEEN BROUGHT!"

"Um…Sakura? Naruto? That marker's red…"

"Oh…thanks Ten Ten!"

Nonetheless we still had to throw the whatever-color-it-was marker out. It was icky and crusty and dried out and capless and generally not pretty to look at. Unlike Sasuke. Who is very pretty to look at. And drool at.

**-XxX(yay)z(yay)XxX-**

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

Darn you, clock, move faster!

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

Faster I say!

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

I, the master of time, command ye!

Tick.

Tick.

RING.

Bwuzzah!

With an eagerness that will never be associated with attending school and doing its pointless work, I jumped out of my desk, scattering various papers that sure as hell didn't matter to me anymore, and flung myself to the doorway. Sadly I missed.

"Ow! Shit! Pain!"

**-XxX(yay)z(yay)XxX-**

I skipped merrily down the halls, utterly and completely happy. I mean, who wouldn't be? It was the last day of school! In fact, the bell rung, like thirty seconds ago, so school is over! For three months! Woo!

Last night (before reading those well written stories) I had talked to Sasuke and he said that his brother was coming to pick him up, and he said that I could bum a ride off him too…yay! No evil bus ride home for me!

As I rounded the corner, a felt a sudden strong tugging at the collar of my shirt (it was a nice orange color with the words 'Flippin' Sweet' on it) and I was reintroduced to Newton's First Law. Or was it Second? Third? Oh well, either way, I was the moving object, and some force had stopped me, blah blah, and something had to do with inertia, because my body kept wanting to go forward, but I couldn't because of the force holding me back, and so it was painful to my neck.

"GAKT!"

"How articulate, Naru-uke."

"Why is everyone calling me that?!"

"Well I find it extremely adorable and quite the turn-on." I grimaced.

"God, Hinata, you've been spending too much time with Sakura and Ino. I liked you better when you knew nothing of the world of teenaged boys making out with each other."

"Well that's too bad for you then. Hey, can I get you to drop me off at my house?"

"How would I do that?"

"Well, you're riding home with your precious Sasu-kins, aren't you?"

"How'd you know?"

"Call it a girl's intuition."

"I was screaming it during gym wasn't I?"

"Have you ever realized that a person looks the same constipated as he does orgasming?"

"…ew Hinata. Just ew."

She waved me off with her hand, the other flipping one braid over her shoulder. She had tied a bandana around her head, had on a tie-dye crop top with a ribbed tank underneath, and some bell bottoms. She looked like a hippy.

…I may have to borrow those jeans some time…

Anyway.

I continued my merry skipping out to the front of the school, Hinata following like the stubborn little person she had become over years of…doing…stuff…yeah. Sasuke wasn't out yet (probably crying over his gym locker or something….he's just that sentimental…even though we're coming back in three months) but Itachi was pulled up to the curb in his really ugly-colored 70s Cougar. I mean, the car was awesome, but the paintjob…wasn't. It was a darkish green, and was peeling. Sasuke wanted to paint it black. Kisame wanted it blue with sharks. Deidara wanted it to have various explosions on it. Tobi wanted it orange. I agreed with Tobi.

It had a date with a detailer in a couple days to be painted pink. Itachi gets what Itachi wants.

Once he sighted me, Itachi leapt out of his cougar like the beautiful fairy princess he was, and pranced over to me before enveloping me in a hug.

"Oh, Naru-uke, I had the worst day _ever_! Okay, so first, last night, I totally forgot to do laundry so I had to wear the _same pair of pants I wore yesterday_, and I feel so dirty! And second, when I took my shower today, I noticed I had these icky little pimply things developing in between my man-breasts, and I was totally embarrassed, because they're just so red, and out there! But luckily I still had some of that Mary Kay de-pimple-izer, or whatever it's called, so I put it on, and I think it's looking better (I can only hope so). And then, throughout the day, I was wearing my really sexy tight short, but my nipples just wouldn't stop being perky, and I'm positive that I looked so stupid standing in line at the fabric store in my sexy shirt with my nipples standing out!"

"Oh…I'm sorry," I mumbled out, as I tried to swallow down the bile that had risen in my throat. Luckily I was saved by the Sasuke.

"Oi, Nipple-boy, in the car." I turned to Sasuke with the look of utmost gratitude on my face, or at least I could assume. He grinned at me before proceeding to roll his eyes at Itachi. Itachi had detached me, and bounded over to the Cougar where Kisame was waiting, the song 'Teenagers' blaring through the radio. (I must say that My Chemical Romance was completely, utterly, and perfectly politically correct when they wrote the song.)

"'Nata, you need a ride?" Sasuke asked, looking behind me at my tagalong. She nodded.

"Oh, yes please."

"Hop in."

She did just that.

Sadly (…well, maybe not sadly, per se) the backseat of the car was only made to fit two people, and Itachi was in the driver's seat while Kisame was in the passenger seat. So that meant that someone had to sit on someone else's lap. What with me and Sasuke being officially together, and whatnot, I was elected to be the sitter of the seat, the seat being Sasuke's oh-so comfortable (-y sexy) lap. Once we were situated enough so that we wouldn't go flying out the back, since the top was down, Itachi revved the engine twice before speeding out of the school parking lot.

The song on the radio had switched to 'Show-Stoppers.' I found it immensely appropriate…in a sense…or something…

As we pulled farther away from the school, I looked back, my hair flopping in my face. "Bye, high school…" I murmured.

"Dumbass," Sasuke smirked, "we're coming back in three months. Or something."

"Don't you think I know that retard?!" I demanded, smacking him lightly in the shoulder. Hinata sighed heavily beside us.

"All boys are idiots._"  
_

* * *

_The author-ess laughs maniacally before crying and crawling into a ball in the corner. She blames school. And she got all A's on her three-week report, so you'd better be damn proud of her. And she's up at one-thirty in the morning on a school night, so worship her, bitches. Well, not really, but appreciate her in some manner…the purple button of love is a nice token. Yes, the one in the bottom left hand corner…_

_As far as the length of the chapter, sorry, she couldn't think of anything else. She has a lot of stuff she wants to write SO BADLY but CAN'T because SHE HAS NO TIME. BLAAAAAAAAH._

_Also, she's been drawing shit loads, so if you want to see what she's drawn, her name on deviatART is Mystchiae, but you should know that since she's mentioned it many times._

_ So, if all goes according to plan, there should be ONE MORE CHAPTER and she's done, and off to bigger and better things WITH PLOT.  
_


	12. Epilogue De Last

The blond laughed loudly at some remark the wild brown-haired boy made; the former leaning against a smirking black haired boy as the latter grinned widely. The pink-haired girl sitting across from the blond and beside the brown-haired boy rolled her bright emerald eyes and planted her chin on her fist, leaning against it in a show of annoyance; however, it was clear that she had found the brunet's remark humorous. The black haired boy, on whom the blond was still sagging against, sighed and turned his head slightly to look down at the blond, raising an eyebrow to which the blond stuck his tongue out at. The black haired boy reached his hand up and ruffled the blonde's shaggy head of hair before smacking it soundly. Whining, the blond flailed his arms about a bit, the pinket and brunet laughing at their friends' antics.

He sighed to himself, and picked at his fries. They were quite disgusting, really: in all honestly, he had no idea why he bought them, or why this particular chain restaurant was part of a chain at all; if this was how they all sold their fries, why the hell did they have enough money to keep from being bankrupt? Absently, he flicked the fry off his tray in the direction of the blond and his friend, half way across the half-empty establishment. Unfortunately, the fry was stopped mid flight by means of a bee hive hair style, which belonged to a woman who appeared to be middle aged, middle classed, and from the mid-fifties. The fry got stuck in her hair.

She turned away from glaring hatefully at the blond and the black-haired boy, the latter having just given the former a small peck on the lips, to turn her glare on him. "Honestly. Young ladies such as yourself should be far more well behaved," she informed him. He raised an eyebrow.

"Excuse me, ma'am, but the only two members of the female gender in this restaurant are yourself, though that does seem like a bit of a stretch, and the pink haired girl over there," he pointed at her table for effect, his deep voice proving to her that he was not, in fact, a 'young lady'. The woman looked appalled, her eyes darting from his waist-length brown hair to his pale, lilac-colored hair; from his tight, girly jeans to his designer top, fresh from Aeropostal. His raised eyebrow climbed ever higher, daring her to say something. Rather than voice her comment, however, she turned away, thoughts along the lines of 'how horrible it is that such _people_ infest our society nowadays' most likely running through her narrow-minded head.

A snort from his left caught his attention, and he turned slightly, looking at the red head whom was slouched over the table, his cheek resting in his hand. The vibrant green eyes were focused on his own pale ones, a hint of amusement sparkling in them. "You get along _swimmingly_ with strangers," the red head observed blandly.

"Indeed."

The red head turned his focus back onto the group of four teenagers at the table across the room. Several not-quite-awkward moments passed before green eyes focused themselves once more on lilac orbs. "You know…they don't know how good a guy you really are."

"You better be glad for that." A red eyebrow arched itself. "If they did, I would be swimming in admirers."

"Mmm," the red head murmured in not-quite agreement. A few more moments passed and then—

"What I do for the sake of love." Green eyes flashed a stronger sense of amusement, and the red head stood up. Pale eyes followed his movements questioningly.

"Oh, get up, you hopeless romantic—" lilac eyes rolled upward in scoffing gesture, "—before this place worsens your mood."

"It can get worse?"

The red head made no response, but simply turned to the door, knowing that his boyfriend would follow. Indeed he did, sighing to himself, and pushing the chair in which he sat back, and dumping his trash in the proper receptacle. As the dirty glass door closed behind him, he failed to notice two emerald eyes following him, a allusion of understanding glistening in their depths.

* * *

_D8._

_The author-ess is so dead, isn't she? Yes…yes she is…_

_The author-ess weeps silently to herself. And this chapter…this one final chapter…it's so horrible! The author-ess is aSHAMED. ASHAMED, you hear?! She continues weeping loudly. After a moment, she stands, blinking. She brushed off the imaginary dust her dog hair-covered jeans, tucks in the strands of hair that have fallen out from under her hat, and straightens her pre-wrinkled shirt. _

_So. The author-ess understands if you hate her. But please, if only to say I HATE EWE, drop a review? The author-ess would like that…she wants to know if you think her writing is better…or worse…or…what?_

_THE AUTHOR-ESS LOVES YOU ALL. SHE REALLY DOES. (And she is quite disappointed that she was unable to drag this on until a chapter 13 emerged.)_


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